After a recent conversation with a client I recommended meditation as an option to relieve her of the anxiety that she currently has.
She replied, as so many people do, that she finds it difficult to clear her mind to be able to meditate.
This is just one of the misconceptions about meditation and I feel that more people might be open to trying it if they understood that it isn’t about clearing the mind.
Our mind has often been described as a chimp that won’t stop jumping around, chattering and sometimes being a little mischievous. It won’t stay still. This is your ‘monkey mind’.
Your monkey mind won’t go away, but you can retrain it.
I meditate using lots of different methods but a trusted way of doing this is by using a guide. Lots of guides are available on YouTube, with Jason Stephenson being my particular favourite. Because the guide gives you direction during meditation, they are helping you to retrain your pesky, fidgety chimp, not get rid of it.
And of course, even with a quiet moment to yourself, soothing music or a meditation guide, the chances of thinking about what’s for the kid’s tea is pretty high! That’s totally normal.
Change the word ‘meditation’ to ‘think’. It might help you in your approach to your ‘thinking’ time.
Try thinking about you in 6 months, a year, 5 years and beyond. Think about your family and friends and your aspirations. Think about the dream holiday, house or job. Think about yours and your loved ones health.
Of course, you might still hear the clatter of the monkey in your head distracting your thoughts. It might even take you to events from your past and moments you prefer to forget. The more you try to escape your monkey, the more you become angry at it. Instead, stand tall, smile at it and, over time, even make peace with your monkey. Befriend it.
Meditation doesn’t have to be an over elaborate ritual with candles. It can be just sitting and lying down with a cuppa. Thinking positive thoughts. You’ll never clear your mind, but you can retrain it.
The Xinjiang highway fascinates me. Stretching for 6214 miles and winding up and down mountainous cliff sides, it is said to be China’s longest highway. It is quite treacherous too. The weather conditions, high altitude, wild animals, a lack of water, food and fuel for miles and miles can make this road a difficult journey.
But when I see images of this road, it reminds me of something else. It reminds me of your journey towards your goals. And mine of course.
So this is just a quick message to remind you that your path to success will not be linear.
During my training I can get a run of some great days in the gym. I feel strong. I stay an extra half hour to get out a few more sets. I feel good. But some days it feels like I’m travelling up hill and turning back on myself on a dog leg bend.
I’m currently devoting a lot of my time to learning Portuguese. And again, there are times when I’m cruising to being fluent and bilingual. But then come the moments when I can’t even remember how I would greet anyone in Portuguese. I feel like giving up some days, but I have to remind myself of the reasons for doing it. I HAVE to, so I will do it.
It’s important to know that you will suffer the same in whatever goals you want to achieve. And just because the path seems to wind into a different direction, don’t panic. If you have faith in the journey then follow it.
Prepare yourself in the best way possible. Know the distance, fill the tank with fuel, take plenty of water and food, rest often and bring along a mate going the same way if you want and you’ll reach your destination.
My gym journey, building a new business, being a good husband and father and moving to another country all need a consistent and considered approach.
Whatever the pitfalls each one delivers (and they do) if I live by the rule of consistency then I will eventually find a conclusion that works for me. It might not always be the best or most perfect outcome. I’m a realist. But it will, at least, enable me to move forward and continue my plans to reach that elusive ‘perfection’.
What helps me keep consistent is two main factors. The first is the question ‘Why?’
Why do I do what I do? Why bother with the gym every day? Why put the effort into my relationship with my wife and children? Why start up a new business? Why move to a different country?
The truth is that I would be immensely unhappy if I didn’t.
Some days I really don’t fancy going to the gym, but I enjoy the endorphins and the way it makes me look.
Some days my kids are driving me mad! But if I shout and lose my temper then I am teaching them that being kind and patient does not work.
And some days I really don’t want to deal with solicitors, VISA applications or business plans. But if I don’t do it then the move to Portugal can’t happen and therefore the new business can’t happen. I’ll be back in a commercial gym faster than you can say ‘500 quid a month rent’.
I don’t want the alternative, so I have to be consistent in how I get things done. Having a few days off is not on the table. And this leads me on to factor number 2.
These actions are non-negotiable. I cannot let the consistency slip. Now, I’m not talking about missing the gym for an emergency, bickering with my wife or watching Coranation Street instead of working on my business plan. I’m talking about serious procrastination that begins to turn itself into a lifestyle.
In a year’s time I don’t want to be overweight and miserable. I don’t want to be snappy with my kids and push my wife away. I don’t want to still be in the UK paying double on my mortgage and losing my freedom of movement just to rub salt in the wounds.
Consistently doing these activities gets me to where I want to be, so they are non-negotiable. I have to do them.
So I must address the one major problem I hear from people when they talk about changing their habits or lifestyle and working towards a goal. They tell me that they’re not motivated enough.
The problem with motivation is that it is a fleeting emotion. When it arrives it is fantastic. You’ll book the gym classes, write out a shopping list consisting of lots of fruit and veg, you’ll start to look at other job opportunities. Ones that will make you happy. You’ll call your friend or family member who you’ve been meaning to make contact with again. That’s what motivation can give you.
But what about when it isn’t there? If you haven’t answered your ‘why?’ and created a set of non-negotiables then you won’t get any closer to your happiness. You have to keep waiting for that glimmer of motivation that comes around now and again.
It is those cold, dark mornings when you get to the gym when you really don’t feel like it that edges you closer to a goal. It’s working through an online open university course on an evening when your friends have gone out for a few drinks that gets you out of your mundane work life rut. Motivation, on its own, won’t do that.
Take a moment to write down five things that you would like to achieve in the next 12 months. Next to each one, write the question ‘why?’ Honestly answer it. Dig deep and give your most honest answer, however hard it is to read it.
Then implement one thing that you will do to work towards each goal. It doesn’t have to be life changing, but whatever it is must become your consistent non-negotiable. You must do it when you say that you will.
From now until your 12 month goal you will sometimes find yourself without motivation, even demoralised. But keep your consistent approach.
Motivation is like a wind up toy. It’ll give you one big burst of energy or inspiration but eventually it stops. Consistency, albeit not a term that is as sexy or flashy, is the key to unlocking your future goals.
Shay is a Personal Trainer, CBT therapist, meditation guide and lifestyle blogger.
Some days can be a drag. Perhaps the ups of a festival with lots of live music with thousands of people can leave the next day a bit of a come down. It’s a bank holiday but there’s lots to do. A business plan keeps popping up in my mind but I keep procrastinating. I’ve watched Darwin Nunez’s two goals from yesterday a hundred times and I’ve decided to write this blog. Important, but not as pressing as the business plan.
Or is it?
I’m writing down my thoughts of exactly how I’m feeling in the now. Kinda like a diary. Something that I have encouraged many of my clients to do. So maybe it is quite pressing. Except this diary is put out to the world for everyone to read. Still, if it resonates with just one person then I’m happy for this to be seen.
I had to go into my son’s bedroom today to intervene in a dispute on Fortnight. He was upset. This grumpiness is usually a sign of tiredness. We didn’t leave the festival until 11 last night and he hasn’t learnt the art of sleeping in on a bank holiday yet.
After giving advice about how to move forward regarding his dispute he still argued his point to me. Feeling like a Premiership referee with a footballer contesting his red card, I said,”Nobody’s mood is getting me down today.” With that I left his room.
I knew that I was tired and edgy myself first thing this morning. It’s nothing that a coffee wouldn’t solve, but telling my son, myself and what felt like the whole universe, “nobody’s mood is getting me down today,” helped me in developing today’s mantra. The aggressive driver, the rude person in the supermarket barging into the queue, any phone caller trying to piss on my parade or my own kid throwing a paddy over a computer game were not going to get me down today.
Eventually, I have now got my kids to come off of their screens and play a board game. Old skool playing. The game is called The Game Of Life. A classic 70’s game about trying to ‘win’ at life.
Perhaps defiantly stating to the world that nobody will get me down is a little win at life for myself. At least for today.
My wife is good at making homemade ice-cream. Too good in fact. Last week, after inviting friends over to our house, she made copious amounts of the stuff. The flavours were chocolate, caramel and pecan, malted chocolate (which tasted like a malteaser that had fallen from heaven.)
But it hadn’t come from heaven. The leftovers from our gathering were in our freezer. A freezer which needed to be defrosted and sold on Facebook marketplace.
Hmm. How do we begin to clear out the freezer without any food waste? Shay to the rescue!
I wasn’t expecting to eat all three flavours which spilled out of the bowl tonight. I first looked in the top cupboard for some salted peanuts, but didn’t have any. I then checked the crisp cupboard, but the multipack choices were not exciting me. That’s the problem when you win a freebie on the Lidl scratch card app. You end up with the beef, roast chicken and prawn cocktail flavours instead of cheese and onion.
It was only when my wife mentioned that the freezer needed clearing out did I remember the ice cream.
After a tough day at work and only getting snippets of information regarding our VISA and business set up in Portugal from my wife’s texts, by the time the evening arrived I was ready to emotionally eat.
I love coming home to my wife and kids, but I can’t pretend that the chaos of our home, with packed boxes piling up and the certain uncertainties that moving house/country brings can be a stressy time in the Durant-Duckworth household. Emotions are running high. I sometimes deal with that with the occasional emotional eat.
I am, of course, following the Never Give Up Personal Training handbook. I have always told my clients to give themselves a break if they make certain food choices during emotional times in their lives. It’s about identifying your needs.
The term ’emotional eating’ is often seen as a bad thing. It’s a weak act. It’s a crux that we need to rid ourselves of. Instead, we should go for a jog or slog it out in the gym. Sod that, tonight I wanted ice cream. Ok, I wanted salted peanuts or cheese and onion crisps but the ice-cream was more than a suitable replacement for giving me a big emotional hug.
We are emotional creatures. And with such complex needs as ours, is it even possible to eat without emotion?!
But the one big, big rule that we must remember is that the slice of cake, the bowl of cheesy pasta or indeed the serving of half of the freezer tasting of malteasers is that you can identify that this is a moment of emotional eating. It is a perfectly acceptable way to ease your emotions as long as you recognise it as your choice.
You have lots of choices when you are faced with an emotional time. For me, I turn to exercise, meditation, talking to others (usually my wife), watching or listening to something funny, watching football, having sex or having a glass of red. But I cannot deny that eating can sometimes trump all of the above. It is an option and sometimes I use it.
And once you can recognise that this is as acceptable as any other coping mechanism then you will begin to improve on your physical and mental wellbeing.
Identifying your needs for every given situation will be different. This is because every situation will pose very different challenges to the next. Just know that you have options. You are in control. You get to choose.
Go to the gym. Have a run. Meditate. By all means do all of those positive things. But never feel guilty about an occasional bowl of ice cream to give you an emotional pick up. And enjoy the whole damn thing!
Finlay, my 7 year old son, is currently enjoying Charlie And The Great Glass Elevator by Roald Dahl. I like that he is now at an age where he can read the books of Roald Dahl as it brings back so many memories for myself as I was also an avid reader of his work as a child.
This particular book, in true Dahl fashion, has the chapter about a pill invented by Wonka that makes you look younger. The Wonka-Vite. Finlay read the chapter with me and announced, “You need one of these pills daddy.”
Oh how brutally honest children can be! “Yes, sometimes I feel like I could do with a Wonka-Vite.” I replied.
It is concerning, however, when manufacturers, advertisers and the media are as brutal as a child when they try to flog their pills and potions. I’m sure that they want us to feel old and fat and insecure because insecure people are often willing to spend money on finding a cure for their insecurities. Almost daily I see an advert or link to a site that sells weight loss tablets.
And these little gadgets in our hands are now the conduit which connects these companies straight to us. These ads know who we are, what we look like, what we search for and what we want. They’re happy to oblige.
Another ad that regularly crops up on my social media feed is the miracle cure for baldness. So if any of you don’t know by now, I’m bald. The interesting thing here though is that they declare that they can ‘cure’ me.
Am I sick? Have I got a disease? Should I tell people to stand two metres apart and wash their hands while singing to Oasis if they accidentally touch my folically challenged smooth head? Is it life threatening? Please, tell me, doctors on my FB page, how long have I got left?!
Kids make the same diagnosis as these ads. Having worked with kids for the past year, I know that they are very keen to point out that I’m bald. I play on this, of course. I’ve been losing my hair for long enough to not care one bit about it. As we get caught in the rain playing football I will suggest that we go back inside so that I don’t get my hair wet. The chorus of kids shouting back at me ‘But you’re bald!!!” will forever amuse me.
And when I ask for a second opinion my own kids confirm the diagnosis of this baldness disease. They’re astute. The future of the NHS is safe.
These pills, potions and magical cures can be very costly. But one thing is free. The ability to love oneself is free and available to everyone. It’s sometimes difficult to find, but it can be found.
If losing weight is a goal then loving yourself at the beginning of the process makes the journey so much easier. We forgive those that we love. We wish the people we love the very best. We stand in their corner when they need someone to cheer them on. We give them good, honest advice.
So I don’t really need a Wonka-Vite to feel younger and I don’t need a cure for baldness. I already have a potion that makes me dance like a young John Travolta and sing Rock DJ like a top of his game albeit a little arrogant Robbie Williams circa 2000….
Before I was introduced to singing bowls or anything at all that represented meditation I was very sceptical about the benefits. Because of this, I feel that I’m in a pretty good place to encourage you in using a singing bowl.
After all, it is easier to convince a skeptic if you’ve been one yourself, right? Well, I think so.
It was no surprise to me that the Personal Trainers who had made body transformations and had made life changing acts themselves were the ones who were the most successful in recruiting new clients in the gym.
They had experienced both sides of the journey. They knew why people were failing in their fitness journey and they knew, going by their own experience, on how to put it right. No matter how good a PT is as a sales person, real life examples where a PT can give background to their story were always a winner.
So, back to the singing bowl. Sort of.
First of all I need to point out that I have always lived as an atheist or perhaps I’ve been also known to be called a humanist. I don’t believe in a god or the afterlife. Certainly not the afterlife that we have been taught by any religion that I know of.
The definition of humanism, according to Humanists UK, describes that ‘in the absence of an afterlife and any discernible purpose to the universe, human beings can act to give their own lives meaning by seeking happiness in this life and helping others to do the same.’
That said, then, how could I possibly entertain the possibility of owning a singing bowl? After all, didn’t they originate from Tibetan monasteries, owned by the monks? It certainly didn’t seem like something I could be enthusiastic about if it had a religious background. If I were to find happiness, I never felt that any religious practice would help my plight.
However, with further research into the singing bowl, I discovered that this isn’t the only reason why it is used. Other than the spiritually fuelled rituals that can be dated back 5,000 years in Mesopotamia, it also has a healing power that can be backed by science.
Ah! Science! Back in my comfort zone. Phew!
Researchers have discovered that, when filled with water, the vibrations of the singing bowl will lift and manipulate the water, causing droplets to dance across the surface in a choreographed way. Researchers found this by filming the process and slowing down the imagery.
Since humans are made up of around 70% water, it begins to make sense that these vibrations made by the bowl can manipulate the human body. The body can begin to harmonize with the bowl presenting opportunities for balance, healing and grounding.
Today’s western use of the singing bowl is often seen in yoga studios, where they can be used in yoga classes but also in sound baths, which is becoming increasingly popular as a form of sound healing along with gongs and chimes whilst meditating.
This isn’t just becoming more popular for adults. As you can see with my youngest child, Finlay, he is perfecting his technique with the singing bowl as he finds it a relaxing experience.
So, have I convinced you to own a singing bowl?
If so, it is important to do your research when purchasing one. Of course, as soon as they know that it is a profitable business, retailers are clambering all over each other to sell you any old tat that has no connection to their origins. They may be a little bit more expensive, but you will love the quality and sound of an authentic bowl hand made in Nepal from a reputable source for instance.
I like to look out for anything that could be useful for my business at the car boot sale. Kettlebells, dumbbells and anything gym related can be often found at these places especially since COVID lockdown. Many of us decided to buy bits of equipment when the gyms closed in order to remain fit and healthy. These items have now found their way to charity shops, online auctions and car boot sales.
Never did I dream of finding a punch bag in such good condition for £15! It looks like it is an ex bag from a boxing gym.
Padwork has always been incorporated in my fitness sessions. I’m qualified in ‘boxing for exercise’, which is the official title on the certificate. This means that I can train people in padwork and boxercise type exercises, but I can’t train the next Tyson Fury. Below is an example of my session in the gym.
How I aim to train people away from the gym, however, will be totally different. Especially with a punch bag to hang up. This, in theory, and with the correct insurance (!) will enable visitors to use the facilities without my presence. After all, the price difference will be considerable for me doing padwork with them or them using a bag on their own. So giving people the option will be good.
And talking of cost, as long as you have a willing partner, padwork is a very inexpensive way to have fun whilst exercising! Hanging a bag up in your garage is also an option, of course!
So here’s the bottom line. You don’t always need a gym, a PT, lots of cash or time to exercise. Having a good eye for a bargain in a charity shop or car boot sale could give you just what you need.
I guess lots of budding authors, film makers and vloggers create content on certain blog sites and social media platforms to monetize their skills. They hone in on their skills and target audience, pay great attention to their editing, hashtags and algorithms and eventually have a product worth reading, viewing and selling.
My wife and I, on the other hand, have just spent two hours trying to get my Instagram account as admin to the new Road To Tranquility page which was set up on my wife’s account. We still have no clue on how to do it.
You see, we’re finding that we are becoming the aforementioned content creators by circumstance, not by our talent.
As small business owners who need to promote our products through exposure and without a team of media people to manage our accounts, it’s up to us to navigate our way through the digital world like The Chuckle Brothers putting up a tent.
Ah, tents. That’s a more familiar world. And, even though we will still hit the snags of setting up a glamping site in Portugal such as VISA, licencing, cost, weather conditions and language, nothing can be more difficult than syncing a bloody Instagram account!
But it makes me think, ‘why do I do it?’
Why bother setting up an account to document our adventures in setting up our business in Portugal? Why create a meditation podcast? Why write this article right now?
Well, the reason is simple really. I’m able to reach out to people like you. It allows me to communicate to like-minded people who also might have an interest in health, fitness and wellbeing. Other people might also have an interest in reading about my journey. There might be somebody who can relax to the meditation podcast. I might be able to make someone laugh. Perhaps something I do or write about might strike a chord in somebody else’s life. And for this reason, the tinterweb is fantastic.
But I can promise you one thing. I won’t be signing up to Threads!
It’s not often we agree on a movie to watch on our house movie days.
For example, I will suggest something edgy like Indiana Jones or Men In Black. Ok, maybe it isn’t that edgy but for 9 and 7 year olds who run out of the room when the bird lady appears in Home Alone Lost In New York, then anything that is a 12 plus is edgy.
My wife usually suggests something with a talking bear or mouse befriending a middle class family.
Jonas, my 9 year old, would probably go for The Spy Next Door every time and Finlay loves The Bee Movie and Flushed Away. But I used to know every scene of Flushed Away after lockdown so I’d rather not sit and watch it again any time soon!
As a family though, we can all agree on one movie that we have been desperate to see. The Super Mario Bros movie has been much anticipated in our household. We didn’t get a chance to see it at the cinema so when it arrived on Amazon video to rent we declared a house movie day!
The usual house movie day goes like this…
We debate the movie that we will watch for an hour or two. The movies mentioned above are all in the mix every time.
My wife and I tip bags of crisps into bowls, get some popcorn on the go and allow the boys a can of pop each. I say ‘allow’ because fizzy pop isn’t something we would usually have in the house. So movie day is a real treat for the lads!
The curtains get drawn, the picnic blanket goes on the sitting room floor, cushions and soft teddies get strewn about for good measure and we all take our positions for the beginning of the movie.
A few years ago, house movie day would have been an invitation for me or my wife to fall asleep halfway through the film. Indeed, if it was Flushed Away for the twentieth time it would have been rude not to. But there was no chance that would happen for Super Mario Bros.
My wife and I have fond memories of Super Mario while growing up. The simple game play on the now very retro consoles that I had as a kid reminds me of good times. Tetris, Sensible Soccer, Donkey Kong and Pacman too just take me straight back to me in my bedroom as a kid.
So when the Mario Bros music started at the beginning of the movie it triggered the memories.
I want my kids to have similar memories that, when they’re adults, will just transport them to innocent times of being a kid.
The theme tune to a favourite cartoon, the smell of a book, the noises of the arcades at the seaside, the face you pull when you put a fizzy sour cola bottle sweet in your mouth, hearing mum and dad laugh.
It doesn’t need to be Disneyland or a trip to Lapland that makes memories. I can still smell the caravan that I stayed in at Skipsea like I was there yesterday. And the great experiences that I had there will stay with me forever.
I hope that our house movie days can do that for Jonas and Finlay.
Never Give Up PT 