Above is a link to my recently recorded meditation guide I entitled Goal Setting.
We get so fixated on the goal sometimes instead of the little challenges that we overcome to have to reach the big stuff. Those little steps, the 1%, amounts to great things if you perceiver and confidently follow the process.
Every day there should be a time to reflect on your goals and expect that some days won’t always be the best. But as long as you acknowledge them and move on then you will still get to where you want to be.
Here is a link to my Calm Mind meditation that I recently recorded. A bit wierd meditating to my own voice! But I’ve done it a couple of times and find it quite relaxing.
If you can remember Brie Vandercamp from the US drama Desperate Housewives, you would get the idea of what my wife is like in the lead up to an event. Whether it be one of our boys birthday parties, Christmas day or as it was on this occasion the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee street party, Lou will spend hours in the kitchen baking and making the day really special for everyone.
Lou and Jonas at the Jubilee street party
Our boys get involved in the baking too, but on the whole, they have to put up with Lou stressing in the kitchen and me running about trying to be sous chef. Our two boys, aged just 8 and 5, are very patient with us!
They understand pomp. I hate pomp and I hope that our kids do when they grow up too, but they understand that it is something that grown ups do sometimes. We entertain guests. We show off our freshly baked buns. We take a neighbour to see our newly fitted kitchen. We invite friends round to watch the footy on the 60 inch state of the art TV on Sky. Us grown ups love it.
For some it’s a case of showing off a skill at something and being able to showcase it to our friends. Or perhaps it’s splashing the cash to appear affluent or doing well in life. For others it might be the regalia of dressing up and enjoying the limelight.
At some stage, our boys have seen this from us as parents and from others around them. Yet, although the event is important at the time (after all who wants an over baked bun) it is nothing but pomp and circumstance. It means nothing.
I’m not interested in my eldests new footy skill or spelling results. I’m not bothered about when my youngest first ties his shoelaces or his table manners.
As I tucked my youngest into bed tonight I whispered ‘Thank you. Thank you for being you.” I don’t care what anybody else thinks he is good at or not good at, I just love the person that he is. He should know this. He should love himself. He should love himself for being himself. I know I do.
Finlay being Finlay
So far, I have two boys that believe in God, love the UK royalty and what they stand for and want Aston Villa and Barcelona to win everything. I don’t have the same views. But I will facilitate their own beliefs, views and wishes without my own prejudices. I am not always right in what I believe in, but it’s right for me. The same goes for them. They still believe in Santa. If they still believe in Santa when they’re 30 then I’ll be jealous because they haven’t become a sinical old git like me.
I have been accused before of shunning the Union Jack flag. I don’t wave it with patriotic pride. But I wouldn’t wave any countries flag with pride. I’m proud of being an Earthling. I just think that flags and anthems can be a barrier to being a better Earthling. So today, as much as I appreciate that I am privileged to live in a relatively safe country, celebrating an institution I consider outdated was out of my comfort zone. But I did it because my family wanted to be a part of a celebration that was important to them.
I will teach my boys right from wrong. But I want them to make their own minds up on so much about what life will ask of them on their own. They will make mistakes but the biggest mistake they could make is being afraid of making one at all. Make decisions. Make choices. Make bad ones. Make good ones. But son, make one and learn from it.
They’ll get caught up in the pomp and circumstance of life as they get older. They’ll want a bigger Christmas tree than the Bennetts from number 39 one day. They’ll strive for 5 bedrooms rather than 4 when they’re a home owner. They’ll want to show off their first ever car to a partner. They’ll want adoration from somebody else.
I just hope that they realise that getting someone else’s approval shouldn’t be what makes them happy in life. Their happiness depends on their own perception of themselves, not what others allow them to believe.
We aren’t going to go through life faultless. If I could give my younger self any advice it would be this. We make mistakes, but the biggest mistake of all would be not to use that lesson and improve on what we have learned from it.
I missed so many opportunities to learn.
Being guided by experience shouldn’t be a case of dwelling on your past though. Looking back for too long can give you neck ache. And although looking to the future can be helpful, trying to plan your next 10 years can often be a hindrance too.
Sometimes, just knowing what you are going to do in the next 5 minutes is enough. A positive 5 minutes can lead to another positive 5 minutes, and so on.
Just seeing the end game doesn’t allow us to create a strategy on how to get there. The next 5 minutes is your pawn. The right moves along the way allow us to make check mate.
No matter who you believe to be your enemy aren’t really the ones holding you back. You are your own opponent. You are the only person who is capable of defeating yourself.
And yet within just 5 minutes you can draw on your experiences to create a better, clearer outlook. Not perfect. Never perfect. But clearer.
You don’t have to be perfect. Trying to be perfect is boring. Actually being perfect, well, I’ve never ever known such a thing. But that sounds pretty boring too.
We need these imperfections to challenge us and grow as we experience the many different aspects of life that will undoubtedly provide moments of difficulty.
So, your next 5 minutes can be a positive experience or a negative experience.
Although you can take a Habit Loop situation into any aspect of your life, seeing as I am a fitness coach I will apply this to your fitness journey for the sake of this article. A Habit Loop consists of a Cue, Routine and Reward.
But before we get to your fitness journey, I will initially point out an of example of a habit loop in my recent experience.
My 8 year old son is learning a set of 10 words each week at school for a spelling test. Studies show that he will have to read out these words around 30 times before each word will stay with him.
Cue… We encourage that he reads and writes these words for just a short time each day, usually after dinner.
Routine… He acknowledges that this will happen every day and he is prepared for this task.
Reward… He is encouraged by his spelling test results at the end of each week. By Monday, with a new set of words, he will be happy to begin the loop again.
But it is important to note. He might not get 10/10 in his test. He sometimes gets 8 or 9. It is his job and that of his parents and teachers to focus on the 8 new words he has learnt rather than the two he got wrong. He needs to praise and reward himself for his achievements, as does his guardians. This will connect the loop much easier.
We have to be able to accept that we will not always be perfect in what we set out to achieve. 10/10 will happen often, but it is the 8’s and 9’s that can make us stronger if we channel it into our loop correctly.
A Habit Loop must be formed when you are committing to a fitness goal. Ask yourself, ‘what is my cue?’
Your cue needs to be that first step. Joining a gym, buying the trainers and joggers, finding nutritious recipes to try, dusting off the kettlebells if your cue is to exercise at home, employing a coach or asking a friend to join you. These are all really good starting points.
Once you have taken that first step you need to develope your routine and plan when and where you will carry this out. Meeting a friend for a jog every Tuesday and Friday, booking gym sessions in advance or setting aside 30 minutes each evening to cook a nutritious meal are examples of your routine beginning to take shape.
Then you need to reflect on your work. You can do this daily or at the end of each week. How has your cue and your new routine made you feel? You might feel a little lighter and fitter, more energised, confident and pleased with yourself. Focus on your wins. Any failures don’t matter. Once you start the loop again you have many opportunities to put them right.
Forming new habits is difficult. In doing so, you are trying break old habits that aren’t working for you. And these old habits might have been festering for years. I ask my clients to reward themselves after a workout or at the end of each week. This doesn’t have to be anything materialistic or indulgent. It could be just reflecting on their performance and being proud of themselves.
Think about how to start your loop today. What will your cue be?
Kudos to the Personal Trainers out there that had to change their entire business plans and jump on the Online PT idea when the first lockdown hit in 2020.
I’m late to the party and, as always, I’m going to be totally honest as to why I was late…and explain why I have no regrets.
When the gyms closed due to the first lockdown, PT’s had to make a decision if they wanted to remain in the profession. They could continue via zoom video calls, use a fitness platform or freeze their clients payments until they could see see their clients in person again.
I didn’t want to do zoom and here is my brutal honesty. I saw lots of videos online of PT’s doing exercise routines and the links weren’t great, the sound was unclear and they looked uncomfortable, which was understandable, they wanted to keep earning money and had to leave their comfort zone. I didn’t do it because my house is where I was home schooling and entertaining the kids and there was somebody doing it better than anybody for free on YouTube. Joe Wicks smashed it during the first lockdown.
I had a fitness app long before the first lockdown, but I was never happy or confident with it. I’m not great with technology, but it felt clunky and bland to me. It would’ve been a poor replacement for my 1-1 clients had I put them on the app.
So I decided to freeze their payments and wait until we were able to meet in a park or on the beach. I stayed in touch through regular messages and phone calls if necessary, but I took no payments until I could meet them in person again. There were times where my wife and I worried as our savings dwindled down, but we didn’t really care about that. Our children needed us to guide them through the craziest of times and we needed to keep our heads in the game too if we were to succeed in giving them a positive experience. So I have no regrets about my decision.
Rather than rushing into becoming an online coach I dipped my toe into the world of technology and try out a few different fitness platforms on trial periods over the course of a few months. I knew that, to develop my business and be able to reach out to more people I had to go online. My previous gym that I trained at, based in the centre of Leeds, had 6,000 members. But when we moved to Scarborough the biggest gym had 2,500 members which is where I began training. It has been clear for some time that my reach had to be much greater and I love training people! I want a hundred happy people training with me at affordable prices rather than just a few who can afford it. I needed to give the masses a challenge!
I have currently got a number of challenges set on my fitness app that are being enjoyed by my clients. My newest one, which I have developed this month, is one that I know all about from my own experience. I’ve called it the 60 Day Dad Challenge.
I understand that having residence in a gym might give me an advantage in enabling me to work out and ‘keep fit’. After all, I’m not booked solid with back to back appointments. I have gaps in which to train myself. Most people don’t have that luxury. This is why I can develop any type of workout for any particular goals. This can be done at home, in an office or at the park and time needn’t be an issue. A workout can last just 20 minutes a day if it is designed and executed correctly.
Our lives don’t suddenly get any easier or slow down and when we become parents our one year old learning to walk is suddenly scoring top bins in his under 8’s football team. Where did that time go? It’s easy to forget that you have your own life too. I became daddy. I wasn’t a PT at the time and my own fitness was the last thing on my mind. I just wanted a decent nights sleep and, to make our lives easier, a takeaway for tea. I had always been active. From being a teenager I would regularly go to the gym. My physique and mental health massively improved because of it. But becoming a dad at 34 made me forget about myself and my own needs. It was fine for the most part. Hearing their first laugh and just cherishing their every move makes up for any sacrifices we make as parents.
But, for me, there was a moment of panic. My jeans started to not fit so well. I hated passing a mirror and if I did I’d breathe in. Getting up and down the stairs seemed a little tougher. My worry was that, if this is me now when my kids are toddlers, what will my fitness be like when they start school, become teenagers or become adults? It started to get me down.
I guess it scared me so much that it prompted me to not only get to the gym but become a Personal Trainer too! Obviously not all dads will take my path, but I designed a 60 day challenge so they don’t have to. He can work hard, give his love and support to his partner and children and feel great about himself without it having to take over his life. Dads can have support too. Dads can look good. Dads don’t have to worry about playing football in the park with their kids. Dads can be fitter and stronger than they were before they were dads, not just from when they were knackered being up half the night with baby.
I enjoy meeting my clients face to face, but I have come to love my online work equally. I still see their results. We can celebrate the wins and tweak the bits that need to change just the same as working with them 1-1.
Sat alone or in good company in a safe space can be a perfect time to think, contemplate, dream, breath…
(sigh) I need to breath. When the weight becomes too unbearable to carry, my breathing makes it lighter. Every single breath. Inhale deeply my hope . Exhale sharply my worries.
I meditate to let it all go and bring in new challenges and restored belief to my life. To keep me grounded. To allow a vision into my future with past thoughts disabled and to think of my mortality.
My wife has just come back from a weekend retreat to the Madhyamaka Meditation Center near York which was, by all accounts, a great way to reset the mind. I’m hoping to go soon so I will tell you of my experiences when I return. Although this is Buddhist practices I am happy to engage with this type of meditation. I’m not religious. I’m very much an atheist and a weekend retreat to any religious facility won’t change that. However, there are many rules, practices and beliefs that an atheist humanist will live by that run parallel to many religions. Being kind to one another, being charitable, treating everyone equally, not focussing on materialistic things should all be stuff that we live by, religious or not. And meditating, perhaps something similar to prayer, is another that I choose to do.
The Madhyamaka Buddhist Center
Yet, my meditation is not asking anyone else or anything for help or advice. I’m asking myself for strength, clarity, a direction and sometimes closure.
When we lived in Leeds most of our friends where we lived were Christians. I guess as we became friends with one couple with a child of the same age it opened it up to begin friendships with their circle of friends too. I was often left a little jealous at what a great community they had formed with family gatherings, fêtes and trips. We were often invited and we attended some events so my envy didn’t stem from exclusion. It was simply that they had a bond and a belief together that was mightier than what we had with them. In my mind we would always be the outsiders.
As a kid I would pray for my family to live forever, or to do well in an exam, or for Charlotte who sat at the front of my class in Maths to at least look at me. I remember praying for Liverpool to win the Premier League too. Perhaps if God does exist he thinks that I did wrong so he put Pep Guardiola in the Premier League to punish me.
But that was my only experience of praying to a God and, just like with the bond that our friends had, there were slight envy towards those who prayed and felt reassured by it.
But I can’t pretend to believe in a God and my ‘spirituality’ only extends as far as science can offer an explanation. Whilst many religions believe in some sort of afterlife or reincarnation, my intrigue lies with the physicists who claim that our ‘energy’ continues after death. And if we are to believe the first law of thermodynamics then energy cannot be created nor destroyed. Energy can be transformed from one form to another or from one place to another but the total energy will remain unchanged. Therefore, every bit of heat, vibration and every wave of particle belonging to each and every one of us will be a part of the universe forever.
My method of meditation calls upon this energy. Sometimes I need to ask myself to find this energy to find the strength at certain times in my life. Perhaps this is how people feel in prayer? As a theist believes that there is a God out there to give them strength, I believe that there is energy and my moments of meditation is a chance for me to find it.
Traditionally, mine and many others methods to meditate will be to find a quiet place and focus on breathing. This is how I was first taught to meditate. Yet over the years I have found that the gym is also a perfect place. This might seem absurd to people. After all, we think of peaceful environments, not listening to grunting men and Dua Lipa blasting out of the speakers. But there are similarities to meditation and training. And the term ‘training’ is important here, as when we workout we are training our body to breathe correctly as well as the mechanical movements that we ask of it. We repeat the process over and over. The same motions, time under tension and our breathing techniques are practiced to give you change, strength and confidence in ourselves. To master it you need to practice for years. Training the body works alongside training the mind. Therefore I often train in a half meditative state. That is my focus. Oh, and in no way do I think I’m superior when I say ‘to master it you need to practice for years’. I’m not a master despite my experience. I’m a student and probably always will be.
The only times I truly appreciate my breathing is during training and meditation. Which is crazy when you think that this important function keeps me alive!
Whatever your beliefs, I think that we can all agree that finding your space and your time away from the daily grind is important. It might be in a church during prayer, in the gym or a quiet room at home. Moments of calm can give us a little bit of energy to find our strength to carry on. It becomes YOUR time. And if your life seems out of control sometimes, I’d schedule it in to your diary as a very important appointment. An appointment that you cannot afford to miss.
Have you ever walked into a fitness class and wanted to just turn around and go home again? The participants all looked keen, fit and ready for an hour of Burpees. Have you ever felt out of your depth going into a fitness class?
I have…and I was the bloody instructor!
In my early days as an instructor I would walk up to the class hall repeating in my head,”I’m the instructor. I’m the man! I know what I’m doing!”
And of course, I did know what I was doing but it didn’t stop the nerves. It didn’t stop me from scanning the room and thinking, ‘Most of these are younger than me, they look fitter, they all know each other.’ Lots of fitness class attendees are hardcore who book their classes early, stand in the same place with their equipment at their feet, ready for the instructor to enter. My first class felt like I was walking into a western saloon bar. The doors creaked open, the music paused, everyone stopped talking and looked towards me. Only it was nothing like that. It was my own anxieties playing out a completely different story.
I have learned to take away the magnifying glass when I teach a fitness class now and I no longer have these insecurities. The nerves will always be there. If the adrenaline stops I might as well as look for a different job. I need the participants to feel my adrenaline. That’s the exciting bit.
But this magnifying glass was something that was with me in every aspect of my life. Everybody else had a better life than me. They were happier, better dressed, had better jobs, more money. And when social media came along and I looked up my old pals from previous jobs and school…you guessed it, they were all more successful.
I had to do something about how I felt about myself. If I were going to be a success without comparing myself to anybody else then I needed to address this magnifying glass. And by success I mean a good dad and husband, a job I enjoyed and somewhere to live and prosper. Success is not a jet set life to me. If our potatoes grow in the garden this year that is a success story!
Our magnifying glass makes anything appear amplified. I often saw everything in anxiousness and fear but now I look for hope, happiness and confidence.
Poet Alexander Pope wrote, “The greatest magnifying glasses in the world are a man’s own eyeswhen they look upon his own person.”
I stopped looking at everyone else and looked at me. My own dreams, my own aspirations, my own successes and my own life. The magnifying glass is always there, I just need to know where to direct it.
If you are apprehensive about entering the gym or going to a fitness class for the first time, put the magnifying glass firmly on yourself and focus on how fabulous YOU are.
Our days are often played out at a hundred miles an hour. When we begin our working week it speeds through so quickly we can look back and regret not having time to commit to your workouts, talk to friends, give your granny a call or prepare nutritious food.
We can make it slightly easier for ourselves if we plan our week. Going into a new week without a plan could be the reason why you don’t stick to a nutrition plan or an exercise routine. Here’s my top tips to get you focussed on your week ahead!
1.Batch Cook.
I would recommend dedicating a couple of hours a week to batch cooking. In this time you can make two or three different sauces that can be used at a later date. I have plenty of takeaway tubs that have been saved over the years that make perfect containers for this. It means that, even after a busy day, you can still create a nutritious meal with little fuss. Just defrost your sauce and add the veg, meat, pasta etc. My favourites are bolognese, curry, chilli and macaroni cheese.
2. Plan Your Workouts And Stick To It.
“I might go to the gym if I have time” usually means you don’t have time. Something crops up or you create a reason not to go, so you don’t get round to going. Make it easier for yourself. A workout doesn’t have to be in a gym. I often post 10 minute workouts on my training app and run programmes that work around an individuals lifestyle. https://www.trainerize.me/profile/nevergiveup2/?planGUI
Planning workouts with a partner or friend with similar fitness goals works because you are able to keep each other motivated and you are less likely to cancel and let them down. Hiring a good PT also adds accountability.
Also, never underestimate going for a walk. This might be the perfect way to start a fitness journey if you can plan and stick to regular walks throughout your week.
3. Avoid A Sunday Night Syndrome.
Sunday night syndrome is also known as anticipatory anxiety. It’s a very real thing to many people. If you get the feeling of dread as you think about entering a new week then try these techniques…
a) Practice meditation on the Sunday evening (or whenever your week is starting). You don’t have to be a Buddhist Monk or spiritual to be good at it. There are some very good apps or YouTube guides that will talk you through it. Just find a quiet place and think about controlling your breathing. Visualize the positives in your life and how these can contribute to your week ahead.
b) Look forward to an event by booking a treatment such as a massage or a spa. Having an enjoyable activity to focus on can get you over difficult times in your week.
c) Avoid alcohol before your week begins. Although you might think that a few drinks on your Sunday evening is relaxing and helps you cope with your anxieties, it actually has the opposite effect. Sleep can be more unsettled, your food choices are not as good and your emotions are in less control. Alcohol can lead to you believing that things are worse than they actually are.
4. Give your granny a call as part of a Sunday night routine. Once you’ve prepped your meals, put the lycra in your gym kit and had a moment of calm, not only will your granny appreciate the call but you will feel a whole lot better for doing it. After all, once you’ve heard about Derek from number 63’s dodgy hip and Maureen from bingos arthritis you’ll feel so much better about yourself!
I walked up to my 8 year old son’s wardrobe with dread. I knew, as soon as I opened the double doors just very slightly a heap of clothes, football shirts, teddies and toys would spill out. As much as we ask him to tidy his bedroom we know that anything on the floor will get thrown into the wardrobe if he can’t find a home for it. We also tackle the cupboard often too. For some reason I’m the nominated football shirt sorter. My wife is the school uniform organizer. There are so many different football shirts so I feel like I’ve got the raw deal here . I put them in their correct place either folded for footy practice the next day by his bed, in his wardrobe or in his younger brothers drawer if they are small shirts. And if they have the shirts to match then the same procedure has to happen for them. The socks too.
But I can’t put all of the blame on our son’s lack of tidying up skills. Also inside of this wardrobe is loads of old clothes that no longer fit the boys. The tractor t-shirt that they both wore as babies, mittens, dungarees, shorts from their first summer holidays, coats from a few winters ago. I remember their first ever snowman that they built in those. I think that this wardrobe would be much more organized if mum and dad could just let go.
We’ve got so much better at not hoarding so much stuff. We’re both sentimental so selling or throwing our kids clothes can be tough but we do have periods in the year where we have clear outs. Certain coats, mittens and dungarees always remain though. They have special memories that we just can’t let go it seems. A tatty old Baby Jake book will always be remembered for the late nights getting our eldest to sleep as a baby. I knew the book by heart. How could we throw that?!
Funnily enough I’m not sentimental about the big, life changing stuff. I’m from Leeds and I moved away about 14 years ago. Apart from fleeting visits to see family occasionally I have no desire to go back. I have not once considered going back to the Corn Exchange for old times sake or standing at the steps of College of Technology all teary eyed. Stepping back in time seems daunting. But for some reason, the feather that my son picked up when he was one and a half remains at the bottom of the takeaway drawer in the kitchen. My mind pictures the moment every time I see it.
I have always wanted to reinvent myself in some way. Standing still or looking back doesn’t sit well with me. If I’m not happy with something I move on. I won’t dwell on the things that make me anxious. I didn’t like my birth name so I changed it. I don’t like where I live or work then I change it. And for the ultimate challenge if I don’t like my body, I change it. Selling up and moving on has come easily to my wife and I. In our 15 years together Scarborough has become our 5th town or city and we’re living in our 6th house. And that’s not necessarily because we disliked where we lived but because we found a new challenge elsewhere.
I have gone from a senior in a day center, restaurant manager, confectionery business owner, market stall holder, support worker, Personal Trainer and now Online Coach in the time that my wife and I have known each other and I know that she has played a huge part in those successes. She has her own success story. As for the failures we take them on the chin and move on.
I proposed to my wife in the Boboli Gardens in Florence. During that trip we created a travel journal and collected receipts, napkins and photos to put in it. Of course, we still have that. Looking back through that feels like a life time ago. I felt young and free spirited. Now, I often feel old with the occasional glimmer of free spirit! But that glimmer comes from my job as a husband, a dad and to my work and while I have those then that glimmer will always be there.
And if it’s an old tractor T-shirt in the wardrobe or a feather in the takeaway drawer that has to remind me, then they are worth keeping.
Never Give Up PT 