As I was getting the kids ready for school this morning I, as always, ran around like a headless chicken from room to room collecting PE kits, lunch boxes etc but there’s an added load of stress at the moment.
Every room is full of half packed boxes awaiting our house move. Going from one room to another is like an episode of Ninja Warrior as I jump, skip and trip my way to the front door with my two kids under each arm ready to throw into the car.
And I’m sure, as I come back home after school drop off, the boxes at home have been breeding. They’ve multiplied. The task looks even more intimidating by the hour. Indeed, time is of the essence. But…
But I stopped looking.
I stopped looking and I lay on the sofa and closed my eyes. I began to recognise my breathing. Witnessing every intake of breath and appreciating the way my chest and stomach expands as I breath in deeply.
And slowly exhale.
The belly softens. My shoulders drop. My body relaxes.
For the sake of ten minutes, listening to my body, allowing my mind to stop, reflect and contemplate, I enabled myself to reconnect to the day.
The day will wait. I will get stuff done when I’m ready. I’ll finish this text, post it onto my site, put my phone down and get the day done as it was meant to be done.
For a few years now Lou, Finlay and I have watched Jonas lift the trophies, receive the accolades and praise of the teachers and sports coaches which has been a joy. But there has always been a sadness in my heart when I sat applauding him as he has his pictures taken with the players at Scarborough Athletic and I look at Finlay and wish ‘when can Finlay have his moment?’
Jonas received his swimming badges before Finlay, he became the school sports star, was known as the class maths whizz, had the striking curly hair that the old ladies loved to fuss over in the street. Finlay has always looked on.
Now, of course, Finlay is two and a half years younger, so Jonas would always reach certain developmental milestones ahead of Finlay. But I could see that Finlay felt overshadowed. Or maybe, it’s us as parents that have felt this on behalf of Finlay. He has always shown support towards his big brother and he has never complained.
However, Finlay became the comedian. His attempts, I believe to stand out and be seen, was to be the ‘class clown’.
And I know this because that was me as a kid and then into adulthood. Even now, I’m never too far away from telling a crap joke. At school I was always one of the first to be picked for sports teams. That was never an issue. But in class and amongst my peers, I always felt on the periphery. I wanted an identity. Being ‘sporty’ just wasn’t enough. I had all this creative energy waiting to burst out of me and as a teenager this came out by writing poetry, stand up routines and comedy sketches. I got more joy out of hearing someone laugh than scoring a winning goal.
Today Finlay received his first ever certificate of achievement at his school. We were invited to the assembly and Lou and I beamed with pride. It was awarded for always giving his 100% in his work.
I want Finlay to understand that he is his own person. He doesn’t have to follow in his brother’s footsteps of being a footballer. I’d much rather he didn’t! He doesn’t have to be good at whatever Jonas is good at. Finlay just needs to be Finlay, doing what he is doing and turning into a wonderful young boy.
It’s a beautiful September morning in Scarborough, England today. The sun is shining, the air is crisp and the sea gently glistens. For all my needs to leave for Portugal, I can’t imagine a better setting for what could be my last ever personal training session in the UK.
The park at Shuttleworth garden once again provides a wonderful outdoor gym. The views are spectacular of the sea and the castle in the distance. The animals came to observe what I was doing too. One squirrel in particular seemed very interested in my kettlebell.
This park is special to me. Once lockdown restrictions were relaxed and exercise in parks were permitted, this was one of the parks I would use. The lady who I trained today is special too as I trained her throughout 2020 and has been a weekly trainee with me for over four years now. So her dedication has been fantastic. Next week, if the weather is as lovely as today and I have the time in-between packing etc, I’d like to think we could get one more session in at Shuttleworth garden.
I like to live in the moment so I often forget to take pictures. I also didn’t want any unnecessary movements to scare the squirrel away, but I think I captured the moment that the squirrel scurried over to see what I was doing as I set up my equipment.
Maybe he wanted to join in, but that would be nuts.
The empty Mr Bean DVD box has been hanging around the house for years. And when we do find the disc, we can’t find the box to put it in. This has been happening since 2020. I only know that because a lot of things got stored in unusual places during several DIY projects in the first lockdown. Things that were scattered about wherever the kids like to hang out were pretty much scooped up and put into random cupboards and drawers. Just the other day a plastic piece of joke poo jumped out at me as I opened the kid’s wardrobe. At least, they tell me it was plastic poo.
But during a time when I have loads to do in preparing for a move to Portugal, including packing stuff we actually need, booking consulate appointments, liaising with the solicitor to set up our business and work appointments, searching for a Mr Bean DVD was not a priority. It certainly didn’t warrant 2 hours of my time!
I think I’ve figured out the problem with me here. I’m overthinking the process. I can’t see the wood for the trees. And yet I’ve simplified the process slightly by hiring solicitors to guide us. It’s why we decided to hire them. We were told that we could save money by doing the VISA and business set up ourselves, but we need to get it right otherwise money and time could be lost in the long run.
Just like hiring a car mechanic to service your car, a plumber to check out your dodgy boiler or a personal trainer to program your fitness journey, sometimes it is reassuring to know that a professional has your back.
But our solicitor won’t help me find the Mr Bean DVD. These are the finer details that I’m concerning myself with because I feel overwhelmed by the big stuff. That’s my problem. And I realise that this happens to so many people in regards to their health and fitness. I’ve heard everybody’s ‘Mr Bean Volume 4 DVD’ stories. They can’t find their gym trainers. It’s too warm or too cold. They’ll wait for when their mate can go with them. They can’t afford a membership (despite finding money for alcohol and takeaways) or they’re injured.
Most of the time, they’re just looking for a DVD that has no impact at all on what their actual goals are. They’re not wanting to face the real truths of what has to be done. They want it. More than anything! They want to feel fitter, stronger, happier. But some days it is difficult to find a starting point. Planning is useful. Hiring a PT is great. Booking gym classes helps keep a schedule. But that pesky DVD needs to be found, right?!!!
Well, no, it doesn’t. But at the time it does. At the time it feels like the most important part of the process.
I know what I have to do and I do have the reassurance that, if I am not providing the correct information for the likes of the Portuguese Consulate, I have a solicitor guiding me through it all.
But from time to time, I just need to look for the Mr Bean Volume 4 DVD.
My gym journey, building a new business, being a good husband and father and moving to another country all need a consistent and considered approach.
Whatever the pitfalls each one delivers (and they do) if I live by the rule of consistency then I will eventually find a conclusion that works for me. It might not always be the best or most perfect outcome. I’m a realist. But it will, at least, enable me to move forward and continue my plans to reach that elusive ‘perfection’.
What helps me keep consistent is two main factors. The first is the question ‘Why?’
Why do I do what I do? Why bother with the gym every day? Why put the effort into my relationship with my wife and children? Why start up a new business? Why move to a different country?
The truth is that I would be immensely unhappy if I didn’t.
Some days I really don’t fancy going to the gym, but I enjoy the endorphins and the way it makes me look.
Some days my kids are driving me mad! But if I shout and lose my temper then I am teaching them that being kind and patient does not work.
And some days I really don’t want to deal with solicitors, VISA applications or business plans. But if I don’t do it then the move to Portugal can’t happen and therefore the new business can’t happen. I’ll be back in a commercial gym faster than you can say ‘500 quid a month rent’.
I don’t want the alternative, so I have to be consistent in how I get things done. Having a few days off is not on the table. And this leads me on to factor number 2.
These actions are non-negotiable. I cannot let the consistency slip. Now, I’m not talking about missing the gym for an emergency, bickering with my wife or watching Coranation Street instead of working on my business plan. I’m talking about serious procrastination that begins to turn itself into a lifestyle.
In a year’s time I don’t want to be overweight and miserable. I don’t want to be snappy with my kids and push my wife away. I don’t want to still be in the UK paying double on my mortgage and losing my freedom of movement just to rub salt in the wounds.
Consistently doing these activities gets me to where I want to be, so they are non-negotiable. I have to do them.
So I must address the one major problem I hear from people when they talk about changing their habits or lifestyle and working towards a goal. They tell me that they’re not motivated enough.
The problem with motivation is that it is a fleeting emotion. When it arrives it is fantastic. You’ll book the gym classes, write out a shopping list consisting of lots of fruit and veg, you’ll start to look at other job opportunities. Ones that will make you happy. You’ll call your friend or family member who you’ve been meaning to make contact with again. That’s what motivation can give you.
But what about when it isn’t there? If you haven’t answered your ‘why?’ and created a set of non-negotiables then you won’t get any closer to your happiness. You have to keep waiting for that glimmer of motivation that comes around now and again.
It is those cold, dark mornings when you get to the gym when you really don’t feel like it that edges you closer to a goal. It’s working through an online open university course on an evening when your friends have gone out for a few drinks that gets you out of your mundane work life rut. Motivation, on its own, won’t do that.
Take a moment to write down five things that you would like to achieve in the next 12 months. Next to each one, write the question ‘why?’ Honestly answer it. Dig deep and give your most honest answer, however hard it is to read it.
Then implement one thing that you will do to work towards each goal. It doesn’t have to be life changing, but whatever it is must become your consistent non-negotiable. You must do it when you say that you will.
From now until your 12 month goal you will sometimes find yourself without motivation, even demoralised. But keep your consistent approach.
Motivation is like a wind up toy. It’ll give you one big burst of energy or inspiration but eventually it stops. Consistency, albeit not a term that is as sexy or flashy, is the key to unlocking your future goals.
Shay is a Personal Trainer, CBT therapist, meditation guide and lifestyle blogger.
It’s been really difficult in the past to get Finlay to try new foods and will usually stick to what he knows and likes, mostly cheddar cheese and milk!
However, we had a breakthrough moment tonight as he tried a snail! In fact he ended up having two and then spat a third one out because it was a bit grainy.
I don’t think we’ll be adding them to the shopping list again though, but at least he attempted something new.
Before I was introduced to singing bowls or anything at all that represented meditation I was very sceptical about the benefits. Because of this, I feel that I’m in a pretty good place to encourage you in using a singing bowl.
After all, it is easier to convince a skeptic if you’ve been one yourself, right? Well, I think so.
It was no surprise to me that the Personal Trainers who had made body transformations and had made life changing acts themselves were the ones who were the most successful in recruiting new clients in the gym.
They had experienced both sides of the journey. They knew why people were failing in their fitness journey and they knew, going by their own experience, on how to put it right. No matter how good a PT is as a sales person, real life examples where a PT can give background to their story were always a winner.
So, back to the singing bowl. Sort of.
First of all I need to point out that I have always lived as an atheist or perhaps I’ve been also known to be called a humanist. I don’t believe in a god or the afterlife. Certainly not the afterlife that we have been taught by any religion that I know of.
The definition of humanism, according to Humanists UK, describes that ‘in the absence of an afterlife and any discernible purpose to the universe, human beings can act to give their own lives meaning by seeking happiness in this life and helping others to do the same.’
That said, then, how could I possibly entertain the possibility of owning a singing bowl? After all, didn’t they originate from Tibetan monasteries, owned by the monks? It certainly didn’t seem like something I could be enthusiastic about if it had a religious background. If I were to find happiness, I never felt that any religious practice would help my plight.
However, with further research into the singing bowl, I discovered that this isn’t the only reason why it is used. Other than the spiritually fuelled rituals that can be dated back 5,000 years in Mesopotamia, it also has a healing power that can be backed by science.
Ah! Science! Back in my comfort zone. Phew!
Researchers have discovered that, when filled with water, the vibrations of the singing bowl will lift and manipulate the water, causing droplets to dance across the surface in a choreographed way. Researchers found this by filming the process and slowing down the imagery.
Since humans are made up of around 70% water, it begins to make sense that these vibrations made by the bowl can manipulate the human body. The body can begin to harmonize with the bowl presenting opportunities for balance, healing and grounding.
Today’s western use of the singing bowl is often seen in yoga studios, where they can be used in yoga classes but also in sound baths, which is becoming increasingly popular as a form of sound healing along with gongs and chimes whilst meditating.
This isn’t just becoming more popular for adults. As you can see with my youngest child, Finlay, he is perfecting his technique with the singing bowl as he finds it a relaxing experience.
So, have I convinced you to own a singing bowl?
If so, it is important to do your research when purchasing one. Of course, as soon as they know that it is a profitable business, retailers are clambering all over each other to sell you any old tat that has no connection to their origins. They may be a little bit more expensive, but you will love the quality and sound of an authentic bowl hand made in Nepal from a reputable source for instance.
I parked the car and sat in silence to what seemed an eternity, staring at the brick wall in front of me. I felt almost paralyzed. Stuck in a time warp.
Suddenly with a large gasp of breath my body moved. I blinked. I snapped out of the motionless loop.
I calmed my breath, picked up my phone to write this and felt a sudden release for the feelings that my head was able to pour out.
In half an hour, I am meant to walk into the gym for what will be one of the final times to conduct a PT session. It’ll be a great session. It has been planned and my client is always willing to do their very best. The gym is nice too. It has some lovely people to meet.
Half an hour. Hmm. I’d best tap down my words with ultra speed. I haven’t got long. My hand is shaking which isn’t helping. Thank goodness for auto correct. My vision is cloudy. I blink a few times and I stare at this screen. Other than my eyelids and a tapping thumb it feels like an eternity since I last moved. My back will scream at me once I do. Once I can.
Half an hour. I’d best put my best face on which, if I’m being totally honest, feels lost right now. Will I find it in the glove box? Maybe in the boot of the car? No. But if I dig deep enough into my soul I know that I will find it. 8 years a PT, three years at the front of house in a busy restaurant and many many years supporting vulnerable people means that I have become very good at finding it when I need to. People rely on me. I commit to times and appointments and I keep them. My kids. My wife. I find it all the time.
Come on best face. I know you’re in there.
If only this feeling of adrenaline in my belly would go, perhaps I would be able to operate better. We know it better as ‘butterflies’. It’s currently whooshing up into my head which isn’t making it easy to think. Damn butterflies.
The more I try to place logic onto my current mood, the more it frustrates me. Here I am, now fifteen minutes away from stepping out of my car, walking the same path and entering the same building that I have done for the past four and a bit years and yet I feel that if I were to attempt it now, right this very instant, my feet would not move.
15 minutes. No *checks clock*, 13.
Franz Kafka wrote,”I was ashamed of myself when I realized life was a costume party, and I attended with my real face.”
My best face is my costume. I realized that my real face wouldn’t sell PT and would put the diners off of their meals at the restaurant. The only people who would truly understand my real face are the vulnerable people who I supported. They were often misunderstood by society too. Maybe that is what made them vulnerable. It has nothing to do with their behaviours or abilities, it’s just that society doesn’t understand them so it labels them ‘vulnerable’.
Vulnerable to what? Social media? War? Corruption? Too fucking right. Then perhaps we can all empathize with this vulnerability.
5 minutes. I need to bring my breathing back to its normal pattern.
4 minutes. I look outside of the car window. This time out of the passenger side. At least it has people mulling about out there. A sign that the world is continuing outside of my car.
3 minutes. I need to wrap this up. I hate being late.
2 minutes. I hear my mantra. ‘I am in control. I am in control of my body and my mind.’ Repeat, repeat, repeat.
1 minute. I’ll promise to give the best version of myself today and smash it.
Never Give Up PT 