humour – Page 2 – Never Give Up PT

The Parka Coat

I always seem to arrive late to a trend. Although I’ve made up for it since, I never watched Friends when it first aired in the UK. At school I would wonder what a ‘Rachel hairstyle’ was and why everyone was debating whether ‘they were on a break’ or not.

And it was the same for music and fashion. Oasis were selling albums in Poundland by the time I liked their music and I even bought a parka jacket in 2003 to put on and show off my britpop swagger. I was a good 5 years too late though and my hair wouldn’t live forever. I was a bald Liam Gallagher. I had the shades and a rollie cigarette hanging from the mouth.

Could I look any cooler?!

Ah, but that parka jacket. It has 20 years of memories. If you were to dig deep inside the pockets you could probably still make a rollie out of the grains of tobacco that remain.

So when it came to packing up our house, we had to be ruthless. For our move to Portugal, we have decided to be more ‘minimalist’. Not everything in our home can make the cut to be transported over to Portugal. DVD’s took a hit. All I could salvage was my collection of Friday The 13th DVD’s. Labyrinth made its way to the charity shop. A decision I could later regret.

And lots of clothes had to go. I had a phase of buying Penguin shirts from TK Max. I must have been in a slimmer phase when I bought them. They’ve gone. Jeans that I can’t get past my calves when I try to squeeze into them. They’ve gone. There were a pair of undies in the bottom of my drawer too that looked as old as the parka. Fear not, they didn’t get sent to the charity shop. They’ll be recycled into a polishing rag. They’ll be making many a knob shiny in our new house.

But it’s actually getting rid of the parka that was the hardest of all. It was quite a symbolic moment as I made the decision to let it go.

I feel sad that I will never put that big coat on again. And I feel a bit guilty that it will never be worn by me again. Maybe I could go back to the charity shop to buy it back.

I’d just tell it that we were on a break.

Beating The Stress Of Christmas

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year.”

Andy Williams sang about this most wonderful time of year. And for many people it is true. Lots of people love Christmas and the lead up to the big day. But it can also be the cause of stress and anxiety for others.

I agree with Andy, but whilst I enjoy the festivities that occur throughout December, I can’t help but feel that I’d be happy to see the back of it too. So my song would go something like… It’s the most wonderful time of the year and it’s a relief when it’s over. Doesn’t have the same ring to it though.

Because I have managed to overcome many of my anxieties around Christmas (or at least deal with them as they inevitably crop up), I might well be in a position to give a few suggestions on how to ease this festive fear and, perhaps, even enjoy it a bit more.

Here are my top tips for not giving a crap this Christmas…

* You don’t need Christmas pajamas. Wear what you like as long as you are comfortable and warm.

* Your decorations don’t need to look like a scene from a Hollywood Christmas movie. Your tinsel might have seen better days and your tree might be a bit wonky, but it’s your tinsel and tree and if the kids have helped decorate the house then just blame them.

* Oh and you don’t need to light up Las Vegas. A few twinkling lights will do.

* Just because you have the same qualifications as someone else doesn’t mean you have to socialize with them. The people that you work with are your work colleagues. If you don’t fancy the office party then don’t go.

* This year my wife and I are having burgers on the BBQ for our Christmas lunch. A little unconventional but every year my wife gets stuck in the kitchen for hours making a roast dinner with all the trimmings. Not this year!

* Do people send Christmas cards anymore? I dunno, but you don’t have to. For special people you might not see much of, then give them a call on Christmas Day. I bet they’d be very happy with that. But if you do get a card from the Brannigan’s at number 34 then you’d best send one back or your name will be mud in the street WhatsApp group that they’ve not invited you on.

* Don’t start the Irish Cream too early. I’ve made the mistake of raising a toast on a Christmas morning with a fake Bailey’s and I’ve been slurring my words by the time Top Of The Pops came on at 2.

* Don’t worry about other people’s social media pics. Everybody looks like they’re having the time of their lives, but I bet they can’t wait for Aunty Margaret to leave so they can stop breathing in her sprouty farts.

* And finally, your kids love you and if you are teaching them right they will know that, between you and Santa, you’ve done your best with gifts this year.

I hope some of these suggestions raised a smile and put your mind at rest a little. It is indeed a wonderful time of year. You just need to stop, take a deep breath, smile and roll with it.

Take Your Protein Pills And Put Your Gym Kit On

I’m not sure that had David Bowie brought out a song about taking protein and going to the gym, it would have catapulted his career to the great heights that it did. An astronaut traveling into space might have been a bit catchier. And who am I to argue with the Goblin King?!

I do, however, feel that I have the better insight into navigating us through this wretched Labyrinth of the fitness world. I’ll stick to that instead of trying to write a chart topping song.

The Research

What we currently know is that an active adult consuming 2000 calories per day will need 10% – 35% of their calories to be protein, or 50-175 grams. If you are training most days I would aim at the high end of that guide.

The Reason

Protein could be the defining difference between hitting your goals or them being forever eluding you. For weight/fat loss, protein adds satiety which keeps you full for longer. For muscle gain, it provides the amino acids to repair and rebuild.

The Good Protein Sources

Protein needs to be of good quality. I often joke as I’m eating pizza that is has protein in it. But I know that the processed cheese that lathers the top of my very tasty treat is not the quality my body needs. Instead I need to choose…

* lean meat- beef, lamb, veil and pork

* poultry- chicken, turkey

* seafood- fish, crab, prawns, mussels

* Eggs

* dairy- milk, Greek yoghurt, cottage cheese

* nuts and seeds- almonds, walnuts, cashew, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds

* Legumes and beans- lentils, chickpeas, tofu

* Protein drinks and bars

Every mealtime is an opportunity to get good nutrition and protein into your body. A poor nutritional meal is an opportunity missed. Most of the above can be sourced relatively cheap and can be added as a snack or incorporated into most nutritious meals.

I have often said that in my previous articles that I’m not reinventing the wheel when it comes to Personal Training. The majority of us don’t need meal planners written out for them. It is just common sense armed with the research available to me, but it means that we must get the basics right, and if we do, the journey won’t feel like you’re lost in a labyrinth. Instead you’ll be dancing in the street.

David Bowie on the set of his 1985 classic The Labrynth

It Must Be The Banana

It must be the banana that made me put on weight, It couldn’t possibly be that beer or the other eleven in the crate.

I’ll cut out all fruit and see how I go, It must be my daily banana, you never know.

It must be the water that causes my bloat, it couldn’t be the crisps that I shoved down my throat.

I’ll cut down on my water drinking, it must be the culprit, that’s what I’m thinking.

It must be the lean muscle that has added a few pounds, I’ll quit my boxing coach and drop the ten rounds.

I don’t want to look too bulky and strong, I’ll go back to old habits where my lifestyle was wrong.

It must be the workouts that cause my neck cricks, it can’t be the laying for hours watching Netflix.

I’ll cancel my trainer and all of their encouraging ways, there’s a new series to sit down to with Ricky Gervais.

It must be the banana that made me put on weight, and the hundreds of other foods the media make me hate.

Yes, it must be the banana.

It’s Time To Print Out The Score Sheets!

It’s that time of year again. The snacks come out, the score sheets get printed, the kids stay up later, the bunting goes up, I get to wear a blonde wig and we complain about nobody liking the UK.

It’s Eurovision time!

My wife and I were always an unlikely couple. I was the gym rat who went to mainstream clubs and watched football with my mates in my spare time. My wife had an alternative dress style, went to indie bars and loved arts and crafts. We met whilst working together and I don’t think our colleagues ever thought it would last. But we had a secret connection and it was our love our Eurovision.

Ok, ok, maybe that’s not entirely true. Our similar interests also included Japanese horror movies, Pearl Jam and Nirvana, pool and darts, food and Desperate Housewives (the American TV series, not just desperate housewives).

But whilst these interests have ebbed and flowed between us over the years, our love of Eurovision has grown. Maybe this is what makes our marriage complete. Well, that and our two kids. And food probably.

For the past 15 years we have scored every event of Eurovision. We even have a folder each with our score sheets in them. In the past we have had house parties on Eurovision night, but that was a disaster. Everyone wanted to talk over the songs as they mocked the artists. We dropped theses mates and found better ones, of course. But they can’t come around on Eurovision night. We won’t make that mistake again.

This year it will be an alcohol free event too. It just so happens our abstinence for the foreseeable has fallen on the date of Eurovision. It’s also fallen on the dates of the FA Cup final, the last couple of games of the Premier League and the Champions League final!

Ah well. We do like to prove to ourselves that we can go a few weeks without a tipple. We enjoy a drink at the weekend to unwind, but actually the feeling of being fresh and lighter from the habitual weekend drinking is very empowering. It’s our reset button, Eurovision or not.

So we will be dancing and wearing Abba wigs totally sober tonight, which might make us sound even more weird! But one thing’s for sure, with events in the world being as they are, an evening of countries coming together to stage the campest event ever is a very welcome sight.

I’m Too Sexy

I never really had a problem with losing my hair. Perhaps when I first realized that I was receding as a teenager I panicked and tried shampooing my head with olive oil a few times but, as I say, I wasn’t overly concerned so I soon stopped as nothing happened anyway. Had I come out of the bathroom looking like Captain Caveman I might have carried on. Instead I persisted with the balding Kurt Cobain look.

But something happened to the baldies in the 90’s especially for those older than me and has probably still made a difference to the attitude of society in the UK. In a fictional London market place called Albert Square walked in the Mitchell brothers. They were two bald, burley, no nonsense characters in soap opera EastEnders that had the bald men if the UK snipping off their comb overs quicker than you could say ‘Get outta my pub!’

Being bald was accepted. Even David Beckham ditched his mohawk for the shaven look. Before you knew it walking down Briggate in Leeds looked like one big Right Said Fred convention.

Also back in the 90’s something else happened. Not only did the media have a big influence in us seeing baldness in a different light, but they also pointed out Princess Diana’s cellulite on the front page of a Sunday rag and in doing so made not just Diana with an eating disorder paranoid but millions of other women feeling insecure too. All of a sudden just as men ditched their comb overs, olive oil and toupees, woman began to buy magic creams and cover up. It’s like a disease had been discovered on a papped Diana. And if a Princess who stayed very fit and active with access to the best foods, gyms and treatments had cellulite what were the rest of the female population going to do?!

Yet cellulite, just like baldness, is a pretty normal thing to happen. In fact, again just like men balding, cellulite can develop just after puberty and genetics can be a factor too. Some treatments can be found but with varying degrees of success and very active people can get cellulite. The skin losing it’s elasticity in older age can make it more noticeable. And it is probably only you who cares about your cellulite and is self conscious about it. And if it bothers anybody else then hit them around the head with a rolled up News Of The World.

We can do some things to change our appearance. If we are unhappy or unhealthy then you can do something about it. But worrying about the things that we can’t do anything about is pointless. Yes, I could have a hair transplant and fair play to anybody who has, but I am me. Other than a false tan in winter then I am who I am. Learning to live with yourself is one of the hardest things to do. Respecting yourself and how you look is where you need to begin when you want to change something about yourself. Change comes from believing that you are already beautiful. Changing yourself when you don’t even like what you are is very hard.

I never became a PT to shame people into needing to exercise. Instead I wanted to tell people “You are fabulous and how can I help you in becoming even more fabulous?!”

And if I can dance around my bedroom butt naked listening to ‘I’m too sexy’ then I’m certain that you can too!

https://www.trainerize.me/profile/nevergiveup2/?planGUI

Between A Rock And A Hard Prince

This week on social media I have seen arguments about the Chris Rock and Will Smith incident. It seems there’s a Team Rock and a Team Smith thing going on. But I’ve tried to stay away from making comments myself because I am undecided and I’m not fully convinced that either of them look particularly great from this. But here’s my thoughts anyway…

Chris Rock told a pretty crap joke aimed at someone with alopecia. It wasn’t even funny. But then I am not the oracle on what is funny and what isn’t. Is comedy the same as any art? Subjective? Was Jimmy Carr’s Holocaust joke funny? I didn’t laugh, but others might.

Anyway, funny or not this joke was aimed at Will Smith’s wife who then felt obliged to give Rock a slap. I’ve told some crap (probably not politically correct) jokes in my time but I’ve also given somebody a slap for being insulting to me or my family. I’ve been Chris Rock AND Will Smith before. Maybe I haven’t been at the Oscars and my jokes or my aggression hasn’t been in front of the viewing world but for a split second I can put myself in both of their shoes.

I’m hearing so much about cancel culture these days and this does worry me. I grew up watching Love Thy Neighbour, Fawlty Towers, Rising Damp, Carry On and Only Fools And Horses. I had DVD’s of Chubby Brown as a teenager and I read Viz. They all discriminated against gender roles, race, religion, sex, wars and abilities. These days I prefer Ricky Gervais, who somehow escaped a slap at the Golden Globes and has spoken out about cancel culture himself. His series After Life is so innapropriate at times yet one of the most poignant things I have ever seen . A part of me wants to blush and turn to my wife and say “he can’t say that!” But in the next scene I’m tearing up at the sadness his character is going through.

Did Love Thy Neighbour make race relations in 1970’s UK better or worse? It wasn’t its role to educate it’s viewers but does it have a responsibility to do so either way?

Will Smith has probably sat in an audience listening to Chris Rock many times and laughed at someone else’s expense. Rock is hardly the type of comedian that will talk about his Nan’s cute catchphrases like Peter Kay. Rock is edgy and becoming a famous black American comedian in the 90’s at the same time as Will Smith becoming a famous black American actor I’m sure that they are aware of each other’s work. So does Smith usually laugh at Rock’s jokes but just not the ones involving his wife?

When does comedy become innapropriate? Yeah we have all heard of bad taste humour and we seem to be ok with that. But what if a joke is about the Holocaust, slavery, a religion or rape? When should it be cancelled? Should it ever be? With hash tag campaigns and voices that previously went unheard these days, there are certain topics that seem to be ‘no go’ areas when it comes to comedy. Yet Carr recently pushed it’s boundaries at a live gig recorded for Netflix.

And maybe it needs comedians like that who are willing to test these boundaries. If we see it as an act rather than a person speaking their opinions, then we can continue to discuss the seriousness of the subject matter. For as long as these topics are in the forefront of our minds, whether on stage at the Appolo or in Parliament, then we will keep having serious discussions on how to be a better society. Perhaps these comedians are actually, intentionally or not, becoming the scapegoats. They receive the world’s attention and get paid for it and we disect their subject matter. Win/Win?!

I have no answers and that’s why I am not Team Rock or Team Smith, but perhaps it just comes down to a man doing his job as a comedian and a man doing his job as a husband. Even if they both did a bad job at them.