Tag Archives: family

Mount Sleepmore

Sometimes the little wins create huge, long term success. And so that is what I’m hoping is happening in the case of my oldest boys sleeping behaviour. A little win here and there.

The other night I meditated with him just before he went to sleep. Following the similar pattern which we have now done for a couple of weeks, we created a number of positive visualizations together to bring about a comforting night sleep.

The theme of this visualization was to imagine traveling along a big, white fluffy cloud with all of his friends and family which would take him to a mountain where he could peacefully dream. This mountain I called Mount Sleepmore.

As I guided him through his journey to this mountain, I too closed my eyes and imagined the forests, seas, rivers and sand below. Above me I could see the twinkling of the stars. It was calm and serene as this great big cloud chugged along the night sky taking us to our peaceful mountain.

Usually, if the visualisation is working for me as the guide, I feel that it is being effective for the listener. The steady breathing and the stillness of the environment certainly indicated to me that it was working.

As we arrived at Mount Sleepmore, I left my son to continue his visualisations by reassuring him that, although the meditation was ending, his imagination could keep him in his happy place.

The next morning, he told us that he had had a bad dream through the night and thought about coming into our bedroom to sleep with us for comfort. But instead he tried to get back to sleep on his own, which he managed. I’m hoping that the techniques that he is acquiring are enabling him to comfort himself in these situations. If he can get back to Mount Sleepmore on his own, this is a big deal in his sleeping development.

However, it also proves that meditation doesn’t get rid of negative thoughts, bad dreams or worries. We cannot forget our daily tasks, the grind or our fears. These feel very real to us that can affect our lives greatly.

But it can help us to know how to respond to them. Through repetition and consistency, I believe that the power of the mind and positive mantras, visualisations and meditation can enable us to approach our difficulties in a much healthier way. It can alter the way we perceive ourselves and our environment. It can create a mindset that is able to deal with whatever curve ball is thrown at us.

I started by saying that it is the little wins that are vital. And each positive thought that you can express is the little wins. Finding a moment in your day to encourage these thoughts through meditation is a very useful way of doing it.

You can find your own Mount Sleepmore anywhere in your own imagination if you allow yourself the time to do it.

I wonder if he’s at Mount Sleepmore yet.

A Week Of Following Dreams

It’s 5pm. I’m gonna close the curtains now. The gloomy Scarborough sky made me do it. Ok, it’s still fairly light now that we’re in March, but I don’t fancy Joe Pesci peering in from the window while I’m home alone.

My wife would have a go at me if she knew that I had shut the curtains so early. There is, after all, another good hour of daylight to be had, but I’d rather watch The Chase without the world looking in. Or Joe Pesci.

It’s not strictly true that I’m home alone. I have my youngest with me. But having picked him up from school he went straight upstairs to put his headphones on and speak American to his mates on Fortnight. I occasionally hear occasional outbursts of “Bro! What?!” So I assume he’s ok.

My eldest boy is on a school trip this week. It’s a big deal for him as it is his first ever trip away from his family. I know that he was very nervous about it but I’m so proud of him that he decided to go. It’s all about creating experiences and memories after all.

And to complete one of the strangest weeks of my life, my wife is in Portugal this week to find us a house and open up a bank account. I remember when nipping into town on the bus with a quid to start a Barclays account was sufficient enough. In 15 years of being together it’s going to be the longest that we’ve been apart.

It is, of course, all in aid of our Portugal move and VISA application. We’re taking each step in our stride. There are many hurdles to cross yet, but we want it so much I believe in the process. We’re following our dreams and, as the saying goes, if you want your dreams to come true the first thing you must do is wake up. We’re awake.

Unless my wife has a Shirley Valentine moment, what could go wrong? What a blog post that would be! How would I begin writing about fending off villains in my home with an iron while my wife sails off with Afonso?!!

My wife doesn’t think I know how to use the washing machine. And it’s true, my wife is in charge of washing the family’s clothes. But I am the designated dish washer operator. I’m good at that. But I do know how to use the washing machine, it’s just that I have visions of shrinking our work outfits, so I tend to stay away from it! My wife also asked me if she needed to cook some meals for me and our youngest while she was away. It’s a very nice offer, but our youngest hasn’t got the most varied tastes in food. I think I can manage beans on toast or chicken dippers.

So, there we go. The curtains are closed, the Chaser has just caught the team with 31 seconds to spare and I’m just about to look on YouTube to find out which compartment the detergent goes into. As a family, when we’re all together, we usually have a good routine going on. Yes, we sometimes bicker and it all gets a bit hectic now and again. But it’s our bickering. It’s our hectic. It’s our life and we’re happy. But sacrifices have to be made when you follow your dreams. They’re not meant to be easy to catch.

So having my wife and eldest son back will be nice. In the meantime though, my youngest will keep me company and, if I’m lucky, he’ll give me one of his chicken dippers.

Children And Food

My two boys love going to their grandparents for an overnight stay. Their granddad, a professional refurbisher of bar billiards tables, often has a finished table in his garage so the boys can take their pool cues that they got for Christmas.

They also get to stay up later on an evening than they would do if they were at home. Staying up later is always a treat! But the biggest treat of all for my 6 and 9 year olds are the meal times at Granny and Granddad’s.

An overnight stay will usually consist of a takeaway or a meal out for burgers or pizzas and a dessert afterwards with a fizzy drink to wash it down with. Basically, lots of foods with very little nutrition.

But I can’t pin this all on their Grandparents, absolutely not! The boys also have occasional takeaway meals or frozen pizzas and chips at home too. The boys have been invited to friends houses for tea, they’ve gone to Macdonald’s for birthday parties, they receive toys for buying ‘Happy Meals,’ supermarket meal deals involve crisps and chocolate, going to the movies encourage us to eat buckets of popcorn lager than my youngest child and reformed chicken comes in the shape of dinosaurs. All of these things appeal to adults too, so we cannot ignore the fact that children will be drawn to such inviting foods.

As parents and grandparents we can’t avoid it, but that doesn’t get us adults off the hook.

I have previously written an article about children being ‘The Great Imitators’. As much as parents believe that their children often do the exact opposite as of what is asked of them, their brains are gathering all of this information that they see and hear and then used as a survival mechanism for when they need it.

How we interact with our partners and colleagues, what we watch on TV, our language, the way we dress and what we eat are all closely observed by the young mind.

As my role as a coach for children during half term, I’m fully aware of how I talk to my fellow coaches. Children listen. Children copy. I’m also very careful about what I eat at lunchtimes with the children. I wouldn’t eat a Greggs steak bake in front of them after having a talk to them about healthy eating. There’s a time and a place. Even for a Greggs steak bake.

So how do we get our children to be more mindful about what they eat? Firstly, it is important to not criticize or ridicule any meal choices that they make. Food should never make anyone feel anxious or ‘bad’. Food should be enjoyed, yes, all food. If a child enjoys chicken dippers then ask them what they enjoy about them. How does it feel and taste to them? Talk to them about what you can add to the plate alongside their dippers.

At home, the boys know that if they ask for fish fingers or chicken dippers it will come with wholemeal wraps, mayo, ketchup and a good sized portion of vegetables. It’s a compromise. For about two years and especially for our youngest who looks like a celebrity doing a bushtucker trial when he’s eating broccoli, the veg wouldn’t be touched without having tears. Now, because we continued putting the vegetables on his plate consistently and he sees his older brother and his parents eat the veg on their plates, he eats his veg without any prompts. He watched and he copied.

We can’t expect our children to choose better options with anything in life unless they see the grown ups doing it too! Sure, their teenage brain along with other teenage peers and influences will challenge their decision making. It is one of the most feared periods for a parent and one I’m yet to experience, but if we can promote the right messages into their young brains now then at least we are giving them a fighting chance as young adults.

My message is clear to the adults that I train and the children that I coach, you can still enjoy all food types and be mindful about what we need to enable our bodies to grow strong, to be healthy and happy, to excel in what they enjoy and to survive. The balance is something that is important to find and it is my job as a parent and coach to help people do that, whether for adults or children. After all, what age group doesn’t like to find the letters of their name with a plate of Alphabites?

The First Law Of Thermodynamics

I didn’t expect to be talking to my 9 year old son about the first law of thermodynamics on a Friday night as I was driving him home from his football practice. My prior thoughts were to get him into his pajamas, tuck him into bed and pour myself a beer while I binge watch Search Party. But he asked about dying, so…

Apparently, he has been struggling to get to sleep over the past few nights worrying about dying. Him dying, his brother dying, me and his mum dying. He was asking about the people in his life who have died. The car fell silent for a moment as I gathered my thoughts for some sort of an answer. An explanation about what he should know and how it could ease his worried little head.

‘The first law of thermodynamics!’ I blurted out as I drove through the dark Scarborough streets.

I went in to explain that, although I don’t believe in an afterlife or a heaven as such, I do believe that our energy continues after we die. I quoted the physicist Aaron Freeman to my son, who stated…

“You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. They can explain to your family that no energy is created and none is destroyed. They can tell your mother that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. The energy that flows through our bodies does not disappear, but is simply rearranged.”

Ok, I can’t tell my son that loved ones who die become the little bird that sits on our garden fence each morning, but I can tell him that their energy is as strong as when they was alive. In the first law of thermodynamics, energy does not go anywhere, even if a physical form does.

And this is why our energy is so powerful, right? I mean, the energy, the vibes that we put out into the universe, whether positive or negative, will remain long after our physical self is gone. That’s why a smile, a good deed, a positive affirmation or an act of kindness to yourself or others works so powerfully. This energy can change lives, even when our physical form is not around.

‘We only live once’ is a saying that we’ve all heard a million times before. Well, the body that you are in will only live once and it is important to treat that body with the love and respect that it deserves. I make many decisions based on this. I want to take my physical self to new experiences and push it to new levels whether in the gym or in learning new things. The body and the mind need to be exposed to exciting new challenges.

My energy won’t grow or multiply by achieving different things in this physical form. The first law of thermodynamics tells me that. But I might just be able to leave behind some positive energy. Forever.

Screen Time

Not for the first time my wife and I had to tell our boys to put down their screens and get dressed for school. It starts with a gentle reminder that they need to get ready or else we’ll be late, but it often ends with one of us putting on our annoyed voice and demanding that they do as we ask immediately.

The screens are hypnotic to them. And yet when I check to see what it is they’re doing on their phone, iPad or chrome book it is usually school work related. This becomes a dilemma for the parent who would like their child to have less screen time. It seems that kids are given their own log in details at school so that they can access story books and maths games online. I used to get a printed worksheet and a homework book from my teacher. We were allowed to put our own covering over our books. I went for an embossed floral design that was leftover from my parents sitting room. Cutting edge at the time. Times have changed.

But it is difficult to demand something from your child when they see adults doing the same. How can I tell them to come off of their devices when they see me tapping away at my phone. Ok, it is 90% productive tapping either designing a workout schedule for a client, booking somebody in for a session or, in my free time, learning a language. But they would argue that their time on the screen is equally important if a certain amount of maths puzzles need to be completed by a deadline date.

Had that maths puzzle been done using pen and paper, would I be more lenient on them finishing the job before getting dressed for school? Sure, they needed to get ready or they would be late, but would I have sat with Jonas to try and work out the answers together had I been looking at it on a piece of A4 hoping to move the process along?

Yet I know that not every moment of their screen time is doing school work. Far from it. Add in YouTube and football games and it becomes a full time job. So much so that doing things like getting dressed has to wait! And I do understand.

Despite my current 90% of my own screen time being work related, it hasn’t always been like that. Just a few months ago I would be debating Darwin Nunez’s success rate for Liverpool FC or asking why Ariel’s skin colour in the new Little Mermaid movie was a problem to a total stranger on Facebook. I would spend time winding myself up engaging in discussions with people I probably wouldn’t really want to know in real life. The productivity on my screen suffered, my time suffered and probably my mental health suffered too. Releasing myself away from trolls was a positive move.

But I fear that my kids have got it all to come. There are enough negative people in the real world without entertaining bullies online.

I had to make a change. And although I acknowledge that screens are a part of our everyday life now, and perhaps a little resigned to the fact, it can actually be used for good. I try to contribute positively to people’s lives through online PT. I put more effort into learning a new language and, of course, I write this to you today from my phone. This little gadget can be useful.

But no matter what we can gain from looking at our screens, we still have to do the fundamentals correctly. We still need to take care of ourselves, eat properly and, yes, even get dressed for school.

If we don’t, Mrs Barber won’t be very pleased (and that’s what I’ll keep telling my boys).

The Great Imitators

I’ve heard it said a thousand times. I’ve probably said it myself. To emphasise the words to the listeners, we point, seethe and widely open our eyes with a rage that boils inside of us.

“I would die for my kids.”

What passion and dedication. And yet I have never heard the alternative to this being said with such dedication before.

Imagine if we were to say,”I will live for my kids,” with the same rush of blood that sparks the same passion as to die for your kids.

I believe anyone who tells me that they would die for their child, but would they LIVE for their child? Would they change attitudes and teach their children about love and respect? Would they choose healthier foods to feed themselves and their children? Would they become more active so they remain strong and healthy? Would they change their lifestyle so that their children can imitate a well rounded person?

Children are great imitators, so give them something great to imitate.

Dying is easy. You only have to do that once. You have to live every day. Do it with the same passion and commitment that you would if you had to die for your child.

Show your child what living is all about.

Fatherhood, Portugal And The Comfort Zone.

I’ve changed a lot since becoming a father. Unrecognisable really. The younger, childless me was pretty care free. Sure, I had moments of angst and bouts of depression, but this was usually countered by alcohol or other recreational medication. Of course, this made things worse. Still, I held down a good job and had a couple of ‘serious’ relationships. My parents were, to the best of my knowledge , happy. I had friends. I had money, albeit spending it on the wrong things. Nothing too spectacular to see here.

I would describe myself as a pretty average 20 something living in Leeds (or at least, those that I knew!). I wasn’t a bad person. Think Joey or Chandler from Friends. I worked and had adult responsibilities, but I also liked to goof around playing Foosball (pool) with my mates rather than entering real life situations.

Meeting my future wife was a turning point, but, even then, I was crap with responsibility and being an adult.

And then I became a father. The ton of bricks hit me immediately. I took control. I knew that I couldn’t simply click my fingers and be the world’s best dad. I had to work on myself. The sign would say “Work In Progress”. It still does.

I now prepare for a future away from the next visit to the pool hall and a pint of Stella. I put commitments and plans in place way beyond what I do on a weekend as I used to navigate my time around the next Liverpool match or box set. My vision has become based upon my kids secondary school, their teenage years, further education, lifestyle, their careers and their opportunities and lives when I’m no longer around. Everything I do now is for them. Every gym visit, every job I undertake and every move in this game of chess called life is about what will benefit my children.

Seven years ago, with a baby just a few months old, my wife and I made a decision. The day after the UK had decided to leave the EU, we decided to leave the UK. I understand now, however difficult to get my head around it, that the majority of voters wanted Brexit. But we didn’t. I could see no solid evidence of happy endings from a country trying to recover from a recession leaving one of the largest economies in the world. And with the political landscape across the globe in such a panic in regards to war, terrorism and (later) pandemics, I felt that we needed to build friendships, allies and be united against those trying to harm our way of life. Now was not the time to create division.

Our decision to leave the UK wouldn’t have been so concrete if it hadn’t been for our children. We believe that our children will have better opportunities with the options to study, live and work with the freedom to move into 28 other countries. Once we make the move to Portugal (Visa pending now of course) our children will be EU citizens again and will be able to give them what we in the UK once had.

I sometimes wish that I had travelled and worked in different countries when I was younger. Learning new languages and meeting different people and cultures is a great way to discover the world we live in.

I want my kids to take away the blinkers and discover their world for themselves. To see and experience new things. I guess this is why we moved to Scarborough on the east coast of England before really putting our European plan into action. I loved Scarborough growing up as a kid. My kids love Scarborough now. We all do. But we also know that there are more adventures to be had elsewhere.

The more experiences that we can provide for our children, the easier their transition into adulthood can be. Soon, they’ll be sitting in a classroom having to understand Portuguese. That will be daunting for them, I know. But if they can overcome that, then not only will they acquire very good skills in the Portuguese language, but they will have less fear when it comes to their first day at Uni or traveling to a different country for a job opportunity. It will take them out of their comfort zone and into a world of opportunities.

Yes, I’ve changed a lot since becoming a father. I realized that I had to leave MY comfort zone. I had to start making decisions that were right for this tiny human being I held in my hands. And wherever it takes us, it is done with their wellbeing in mind.

Tomar

Seeing as our previous holiday outside of the UK was just before the 2020 lockdown hit, we decided to take a week in central Portugal with our boys this January. We weren’t disappointed.

Staying in the centre of a city can give you a good idea of a place and our apartment was above cafés on a busy street. Wherever we went, we came across lots of cafés. The vibes were positive. My morning routine soon became going to the nearest cafe with the boys and choosing a few patisseries for them to take back up to the apartment while I sat outside the cafe soaking up the atmosphere with a double espresso.

I can see the attraction of this cafe culture in places like Tomar. This is how many of the locals would start their day, congregating around a table on the pavement and having a chat. I enjoyed people watching. My eavesdropping, however, wasn’t so good in Portuguese. You get good thinking time in the few minutes that it takes to drink an espresso too. In just a week, most of my best business plans came in that moment each morning. Whatever our plans. Whatever we aspire to achieve, whatever we want to do with our lives, we need thinking time in order to do it.

And Tomar was indeed partly a business trip. But with two kids with us, everything is generally a little unconventional. We had to merge a holiday with the stuff that we went there to do. The kids loved it. In fact, they enjoyed the bits where Lou and I had appointments and had to travel.

We enjoy a holiday in the sun by the beach with a water park outside of our hotel, but they seem to also appreciate talking to people in another language, taking notice of the architecture, trying different food and finding out about the history of towns and cities that they visit. Many locals didn’t speak English and Tomar is steeped in history, so we all enjoyed learning along the way.

Of course, I had to try the different food and drinks on offer during my stay. It’s a good job it is ‘bulking season’! However, the pastal de natas that I ate each morning aren’t a great dietary need for any time of the season, they just tasted good! So did the wine!

Getting back to a steady diet and a training routine will take a few days. Whenever we have a period of time off it can have that sort of impact on our energy and motivation. I know that I’ll have a couple of ‘sluggish’ gym sessions which can deter people from carrying on. It’s easy to think that all of the hard work and good progress is lost after a period of time eating lots of food and having time away from training, but it really isn’t. The body needs down time too. And there’s no better place than in a cafe in Tomar.