family time – Page 3 – Never Give Up PT

Roots

There are moments when I worry about putting down roots for myself and my family.

I do, however, give myself a little talking to and realise that ‘putting down roots’ can mean so many different things.

I suppose the most common way of defining the phrase is to have ‘a settled life in a particular place.’ That’s the Oxford Languages definition on Google, anyway.

And it is this description that, until I give my head a wobble, is what concerns me.

I have no affinity to where I was born, grew up or any place that I have lived. I don’t call myself a Yorkshireman and I’d prefer to be known as an Earthling than English or British.

It’s not that I dislike any particular place. I just don’t connect with it. I don’t support Leeds Utd because I was born within walking distance of Elland Road and I don’t wave the St George flag when it’s a World Cup.

And when I move to Portugal, as much as I will respect their laws and traditions, you won’t find me running through the streets in Santarem with the bulls or singing A Portuguesa at the top of my voice waving the Bandera Verde-Rubra.

Indeed, as beautiful as Portugal is, I cannot say for sure if it will be the country I will grow old and die in. One of the reasons that I crave my freedom of movement back is so that I can explore more of the continent. My new blue passport represents chains around my ankles, not freedom.

So what, then, does my rational mind interpret ‘putting down roots’ to be?

My roots are a state of mind. It is not a tangible, physical place. My roots are the principles that I live by and pass on to my children. My roots are what will determine how far my branches can reach and explore. But you cannot see my roots. And if we look at the roots of a tree, it is said that a tree can provide a day’s oxygen for up to four people. We might think that the tree just stands still, yet it is reaching out far and wide. We just don’t see it.

Roots are more than what happens on a piece of land. It is how we nourish the things around us and how we learn and teach.

My children are going through a tough time in leaving their physical roots behind. Jonas loves York and can get a bit emotional about not being so close to his home town. Finlay keeps asking about visiting Leeds again before we leave for Portugal. Explaining to them their roots as a state of mind is difficult at their ages. I understand that it is an uncomfortable feeling to be leaving the environment that they call home, especially when it is the only thing that they know in their little lives.

But I’m hoping that their experiences will help them to grow and experience stuff that they wouldn’t normally do and see. I’m hoping that they can equip themselves with a wise and worldly vision for adulthood and they build strong characters.

After all, Dolly Parton says it best…”Storms make trees take deeper roots.”

And whatever your roots are, know that every storm just makes you a little stronger.

Sugar Hangover!

Whilst living on my current street in Scarborough I have had three street parties to celebrate The Monarchy and The Royal British Legion (VE Day, Jubilee and the Kings Coronation).

That’s quite a record for a guy who doesn’t consider himself a Royalist. However, I do appreciate the ability for a street or a community to be able to get together and celebrate stuff. I think that it is important in today’s society. Perhaps some people on the street wished to toast The King during yesterday’s Coronation, I chose to acknowledge my privilege.

Since this was my third attempt at a street party I thought that I would be a bit more prepared this time. I bought 4 cartons of Sangria which has a lowly 4% volume of alcohol to share with my wife and neighbours. On previous occasions, I have peaked too early. The parties usually start at 1pm and by 3pm I’m trying to collect enough people for a conga while chanting “Mo Salah, Mo Salah, running down the wing.”

So what could go wrong with a few glasses of low alcoholic Sangria? Eugh. Lots!

Ok, I didn’t get drunk. Far from it. I remained fairly sober with just a mild tipsiness by the evening, but the sugar content of these little cartons was outrageous!

This has left me today with a massive sugar hangover. According to self.com, sugar hangovers can be just as bad as the alcohol type with very similar symptoms. Shaking, sweating, fuzzy headed. Oh great. And here’s me trying to be sensible by not downing the merlot too quickly!

Fortunately these parties don’t come around too often so the damage isn’t too bad. But for the next street party (or indeed the festa de rua), I might just stick to water.

Bee Happy

Up until two weeks ago I had never given bee keeping a serious thought. Indeed, even just putting on a bee keeping suit and observing wouldn’t have been something that I ever expected to do.

I mean, I don’t scream when a bee comes near me, but the thought of being surrounded by thousands of them whilst sweating in a space suit and disturbing their home making them angry was never on my to do list.

And then my wife and I began planning our Wellbeing Centre in Portugal when the suggestion of keeping bees came up. A good idea I thought, but the conversation didn’t really progress until I found out that my wife had organised a trip to the local beekeeping society so that we could start learning the ropes.

I’ve been looking forward to today, albeit a little nervous. But our move to Portugal will be a time for many firsts. Why not give our visitors a beekeeping experience too?!

My eldest wasn’t as excited by the experience as the rest of us. With a tear in his eye, he reluctantly put his suit on but said that he wouldn’t get too close to the bees. That’s fine! After all, I wasn’t sure how close I would get!

As it turns out, both boys were excellent in following instructions, staying safe and getting as close as they possibly could. Myself and my wife were also keen to watch and learn as the keepers opened up the hives.

I don’t know if we will develop the beekeeping in Portugal. There is lots to do before we get to that stage, but we’ve organised another trip to the hives in two weeks time so we are obviously keen to pursue it.

Not only was it a great way to spend an afternoon, but it left us all buzzing!

Turning Into Dad!

Gone Early

As my wife and I were walking down our street this week the first sightings of Christmas decorations were spotted.

“Them at number 23 have gone early,” we seemed to simultaneously comment.

Every year we look for the early birds “going early” and every year we judge whether it’s a touch too early or not.

We’ve said the same thing for years…

“They get earlier every year, they do.”

“Channel 5 have gone early with their Christmas films this year.”

“Zoe Ball has gone early with playing Mariah Carey on the radio.”

We seem to have an issue with people going too early with their Christmas celebrations. Indeed, no sooner have the Pennywise masks left the supermarket shelves and the After Eights are stocked up. I do cringe at the thought of consumerism that is involved which in turn makes us all go too early.

However, I don’t blame anyone for wanting to bring forward the festive cheers. The last few years have been tough and, just this year alone in the UK, we’ve had political unrest with a few different Prime Ministers, a cost of living crisis, the Queen’s passing with a few weeks of mourning and Neighbors getting cancelled. It’s been a strange year.

So when I woke up listening to a Michael Bublé Christmas classic this morning I did feel a little cheer and a festive spirit lift me. It was about 6:45 and Finlay, my youngest, had asked Alexa for Christmas songs. I wouldn’t have chosen to be awake so early on a Saturday with no school or work to get up for and Finlay hasn’t yet mastered how to ask Alexa to turn the volume down. But if I’m to get woken up by anything, it could’ve been a lot worse than Bublé.

And I can just imagine what the neighbors will have been saying…

“Shay and Lou have gone early this year.”

A Birthday Weekend

My wife and I had the perfect chance for a weekend without the kids. It is my birthday on Monday and their grandparents had offered to take the boys to their house so that we could celebrate my birthday with a meal out or an evening at the cinema.

It’s rare to have an opportunity for a ‘date night’ or to have any significant time together so it was very tempting. But I didn’t want it to happen this weekend. I wanted my wife and two boys with me.

It’s perhaps a cliché thing to say, but when my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday I said ‘my family with me’. At 44, other than a new pack of undies or socks, my desire to unwrap expensive things or something new and exciting has gone. Undies are exciting. Yes. I have reached an age where a new pair of undies without any holes thrills me. And I’m happy with that.

As a kid I would open up a birthday card and a tenner would fall out. After pretending to not notice the money and instead read the verse of the card I would thank the person and then look in shock as I eventually found the ten pound note which had dropped into my lap. It was an awkward moment. I was always very grateful for people’s generosity at birthday and Christmas time and I still am, but sometimes the bestest gift you can receive is the closeness and love of your family. You can’t buy it.

Seeing as my birthday landed on a school and work day this year, we decided to have a ‘birthday weekend’. We like to extend our celebrations. For example, Eurovision is watched from the semi finals throughout the week with flags on the walls, not just on Saturday’s finale. And daytime Christmas films on Channel 5 are starting to get recorded already for us to binge on a November Sunday.

Our boys love a celebration. It usually involves cake and pizza so why not?! And for Lou and I it involves wine, so we love a celebration too! But it wouldn’t have felt right to send them to their grandparents this weekend. We played Monopoly, went for a coastal walk to the local pub for a few games of pool and managed two movies with copious amounts of food. And I was allowed to open a present before the big day too! Seeing as I complain about being cold so much, the boys had decided that a fluffy house coat is what I needed. Once they were all partied out, they went to bed and I could pop open a bottle of fizz. The coat stayed on.

As I write this I’m feeling a bit knackered myself and my birthday hasn’t even arrived yet. So I don’t think there’s going to be much celebrating tomorrow. Maybe whilst they’re at school, I could have an old man nap to find my energy for the week ahead! It is my birthday after all.

13 Years And Still Going Strong

Yesterday my wife Louise and I celebrated 13 years of marriage. We’ve been together now for almost 16 years and we are still making a strong team.

As with any healthy relationship, we have had testing times too. But we work hard at keeping what we have because it is special. I think it comes down to communication. We try not to let things fester and address our issues by talking to each other as soon as we can. We support each other. Sometimes I’m the stronger one and sometimes it’s Lou.

I knew that I couldn’t continue my Support Worker career and be the father that I wanted to be. Lou made me believe in myself that a change was possible. The hours and the risks were making me unhappy and I knew that I would miss out on being a dad to our new born. Also, the wages aren’t enough for the responsibility of a Support Worker. Lou knew that health and fitness was my number one passion and she told me that I could be a PT. The cost of the course and the extra hours in attending it each weekend for almost a year on top of my full time job would be difficult to do, but Lou said that I must do it. She knew how important is was to me.

And then I returned the favour! A few years later and being a full time mum to two little boys, Lou needed to get back into work. I encouraged her to follow her dreams in going to college to learn holistic therapies. She now runs a successful business in the centre of Scarborough.

We could’ve played it safe. Staying in the same City that we knew, plodding on in the same jobs. But to get to this stage in our lives, we have lived in three different cities, two towns, 6 houses. We’ve created 3 successful businesses. We have worked together as support workers, Cafe managers, nightclub bar staff and shortbread biscuit entrepreneurs. Together, we’re quite a formidable team. And we’re not afraid to change something if it isn’t working or it is no longer enjoyable. As individuals we have changed and our relationship has evolved because of our need to change something that is not making us happy. Like I say, we don’t let anything fester.

Yesterday was a hoot. We both took the day off work and played the tourists in our hometown of Scarborough. When you live somewhere it’s easy to miss the beauty or the fun bits of it. Life becomes about getting to work and back, the weekly shop and getting the kids to school and extra curricular stuff. So yesterday we made it just about us and the fun to be had on South Bay and an evening meal at one of our favourite restaurants. Just looking through my photos it looks more like a pub crawl! I’m holding up a glass of something alcoholic in almost every picture! But it definitely wasn’t like that. I had appointments this morning so I stayed very sensible.

So here’s to the next 13 years. We’ll see how many more houses we can live in. One thing we haven’t done yet is take our business ideas to a different country and we are desperate to give that a go. Watch this space!

Father’s Day

Father’s Day and the whole of the weekend was a nutritional disaster. Well, actually it wasn’t. I bloody loved my low value nutritional feast! What’s disastrous about that? But here’s why I allowed such a diet and why I can look back at a great weekend guilt free…

On Saturday (the day before Father’s Day) I met up with my dad with my family and his friends in a beer garden at Cayton Bay. Firstly I was happy to drive. A few hours drinking in the sun doesn’t appeal to me like it did once upon a time. I have kids, I have an online business that can require my attention at any time and I’m a tight Yorkshireman. Pints were £1.50 the last time I had any interest in drinking all day in a pub beer garden. So me not drinking didn’t have anything to do with my diet which requires me to be in a calorie deficit. I made up with it with the BBQ that the pub had provided.

On the Sunday we travelled to see my in laws. Graham’s famous paella was on offer plus burgers and chips. It was on offer so, of course, I ate it. Over the two days here’s what I had to eat in total…

* 6 scrambled eggs with two slices of tiger bread

* 4 cheese burgers

* 1 wild boar hot dog

* beef curry and fried rice takeaway

* 4 portions of chips

* Seafood salad

* 1 family sized bar of chocolate

* half box of Pringles

My protein is actually quite high from the weekend, but so are my calories! And I don’t care.

There are occasions in the year that we need to give ourselves a break. I’m dedicated to my goals but, because I’m dedicated, I don’t allow my goals to become a chain around my neck. I make sure that I don’t resent my goals or the process. I’m not an athlete. Yes, I’m a Personal Trainer but I’m also a regular person that wants to enjoy family holidays, Christmas, anniversaries and family gatherings. I’m not a footballer going to bed early on Christmas night because of the early kick off on Boxing Day. Pay me a Premier League wage and I’ll do it!

But I am mentally prepared for what these ‘breaks’ within my goals will require. It means that today, the day after my indulgence, I have to become disciplined again. By the end of the week any added calories from the weekend will be balanced out with structure and commitment. I can still enjoy these moments with my family and bring my nutrition, macros and calories back in line without anxiety.

I chose to binge and over indulge at the weekend. I now choose to track calories and my nutrition. I choose to train hard this week and at least make use of all the energy that I put into my body! It is all my choice. Not once did I feel out of control.

I work with some people who are trying to find that balance. One high calorie and low nutrition day can create their eating habits to spiral. One day leads to another. And another. They become frustrated and angry with themselves and they feel like giving in.

But I need to tell them and anyone who will listen that they don’t have to! One, two bad days. Jeez even a week of poor choices doesn’t ruin their hard work. What they do with their next week might and the week after that perhaps. Because that is where habits begin to form. But a few days? No. Not if they remain in control.

We can choose the high calorie and low nutrition foods if we know that we won’t be anxious about it. Enjoy it and move on. But it’s the moving on that is the vital component. We need to move on from poor food choices.

I felt great this morning. I had a lovely weekend celebrating Father’s Day. I ate what I wanted with no regrets and I was ready to focus once again. In many ways I think I needed that weekend. I needed to break the monotony of my structure. As much as I enjoy my structure, I like burgers and Chinese takeaway too!

And Here’s The Icing On The Cake…

The saying “You can’t outrun a bad diet” is true. Because eventually your poor choices will catch up with you and running will become harder anyway. But if you have structure with your meals and in your workouts then you can outrun a poor day, weekend or holiday. And then the only reason it would be poor is if you didn’t enjoy it and you became anxious about the calorie density of each choice. It would only be poor if you allowed yourself to form negative habits around food.

I enjoy food. All food. But I remain in control and look forward to another occasion where I can over indulge again. But until then, I choose to be in control of my diet and enjoy the process and its results.

Thank you for taking the time to read this article. See you soon!

Becoming Process Focussed, Not Outcome Focussed

I want to share with you the difference between a Process Focussed attitude and an Outcome Focussed attitude. Because when you can give yourself a little tap on the shoulder and remind yourself of the process then the outcome will eventually happen. I promise.

It All Needs A Process

I am so, so good at this in the gym with myself and my clients. I focus entirely on the process. That is my job. It’s what I am trained and disciplined in. But outside of the gym I have goals that I want now…right this second! And in frustration of not being able to get them right now means that the process gets crumpled up and torn like a handy pocket road map that has been stomped on during my tantrums. Had I kept a level head, the road map would still be intact and it would be easier to follow. The tap on the shoulder from myself, a professional, a partner or a friend can work wonders in working out the process for anything. A career move, a life skill, family life and health and fitness goals. It all needs a process.

Sometimes we just see a 10k run, a dress size, a one rep max or a weight loss target. The finer details of how we are getting there is the real key.

In football, the skill isn’t knowing that you need to score more goals than the opposition, it is how you’re going to do it. You can give any sporting example of this and it remains the same. The process needs to be the focus. The outcome harbours great rewards, but without the process you won’t get there.

Frustrations Of The Outcome Focus

So I’m not getting on my high horse here and telling you that I do everything perfectly and you need to step up. You might be able to help me find my process in other aspects of life with your skills. But I’m here to talk about fitness goals. And I’ve been prompted to give it a mention because the gym is full of outcome focussed people. They press, lift, run and jump without any attention to their process. They just want the results. And this can lead to frustration and in many cases injury.

And when you figure out a process for one thing, other parts of your life can begin to take shape too. Have you ever experienced getting a promotion in your career and found that your relationships in your private life improved? You have followed a process and met deadlines, hit targets, gave your colleagues morale boosts or took them under your wing and you got rewarded in your promotion. This made you feel good in other aspects of your life too.

It’s the same in your fitness goals. Once you begin a process in your fitness goals then you begin to focus on your day to day tasks that make up the little wins. And it’s not just about doing this in a gym. Imagine going for a walk with a friend or a partner away from the daily grind. Here you can discuss your ambitions, your feelings or put the world to rights. You feel great and you’ve managed a few thousand steps as well. Make this a regular exercise and you have started the process for your mental and physical health.

Becoming process focussed takes away the big issue that seems, at times, unobtainable…the outcome. To grow muscle you can’t just lift heavy stuff a lot. To lose weight healthily you can’t just eat less. To get a job promotion you can’t just turn up to an interview. To make a relationship work you can’t just add them as a Facebook friend. You need to work hard at a process that works to get the things that you want.

Small Victories Are Important

Focussing on the outcome will keep us bitter and when we have no way of getting there we give up. In my Coaching App it’s exactly what I do for hundreds of people. I’m the tap on the shoulder that reminds them of the process and enables people to reach their goals without even realising. That’s because they have enjoyed a journey that took them way beyond the anxieties of ‘ needing to lose a couple of stone’. They did that, but also found that they were in control of their life much more than when they had no direction. It became a foundation for their success. Focus and celebrate the small victories. It’s those that become the big ones.

Thank you for reading my article. If you need further advice on where to begin with your fitness process then do get in touch. I might be able to help.

Pomp And Circumstance

If you can remember Brie Vandercamp from the US drama Desperate Housewives, you would get the idea of what my wife is like in the lead up to an event. Whether it be one of our boys birthday parties, Christmas day or as it was on this occasion the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee street party, Lou will spend hours in the kitchen baking and making the day really special for everyone.

Lou and Jonas at the Jubilee street party

Our boys get involved in the baking too, but on the whole, they have to put up with Lou stressing in the kitchen and me running about trying to be sous chef. Our two boys, aged just 8 and 5, are very patient with us!

They understand pomp. I hate pomp and I hope that our kids do when they grow up too, but they understand that it is something that grown ups do sometimes. We entertain guests. We show off our freshly baked buns. We take a neighbour to see our newly fitted kitchen. We invite friends round to watch the footy on the 60 inch state of the art TV on Sky. Us grown ups love it.

For some it’s a case of showing off a skill at something and being able to showcase it to our friends. Or perhaps it’s splashing the cash to appear affluent or doing well in life. For others it might be the regalia of dressing up and enjoying the limelight.

At some stage, our boys have seen this from us as parents and from others around them. Yet, although the event is important at the time (after all who wants an over baked bun) it is nothing but pomp and circumstance. It means nothing.

I’m not interested in my eldests new footy skill or spelling results. I’m not bothered about when my youngest first ties his shoelaces or his table manners.

As I tucked my youngest into bed tonight I whispered ‘Thank you. Thank you for being you.” I don’t care what anybody else thinks he is good at or not good at, I just love the person that he is. He should know this. He should love himself. He should love himself for being himself. I know I do.

So far, I have two boys that believe in God, love the UK royalty and what they stand for and want Aston Villa and Barcelona to win everything. I don’t have the same views. But I will facilitate their own beliefs, views and wishes without my own prejudices. I am not always right in what I believe in, but it’s right for me. The same goes for them. They still believe in Santa. If they still believe in Santa when they’re 30 then I’ll be jealous because they haven’t become a sinical old git like me.

I have been accused before of shunning the Union Jack flag. I don’t wave it with patriotic pride. But I wouldn’t wave any countries flag with pride. I’m proud of being an Earthling. I just think that flags and anthems can be a barrier to being a better Earthling. So today, as much as I appreciate that I am privileged to live in a relatively safe country, celebrating an institution I consider outdated was out of my comfort zone. But I did it because my family wanted to be a part of a celebration that was important to them.

I will teach my boys right from wrong. But I want them to make their own minds up on so much about what life will ask of them on their own. They will make mistakes but the biggest mistake they could make is being afraid of making one at all. Make decisions. Make choices. Make bad ones. Make good ones. But son, make one and learn from it.

They’ll get caught up in the pomp and circumstance of life as they get older. They’ll want a bigger Christmas tree than the Bennetts from number 39 one day. They’ll strive for 5 bedrooms rather than 4 when they’re a home owner. They’ll want to show off their first ever car to a partner. They’ll want adoration from somebody else.

I just hope that they realise that getting someone else’s approval shouldn’t be what makes them happy in life. Their happiness depends on their own perception of themselves, not what others allow them to believe.