I’ve heard it said a thousand times. I’ve probably said it myself. To emphasise the words to the listeners, we point, seethe and widely open our eyes with a rage that boils inside of us.
“I would die for my kids.”
What passion and dedication. And yet I have never heard the alternative to this being said with such dedication before.
Imagine if we were to say,”I will live for my kids,” with the same rush of blood that sparks the same passion as to die for your kids.
I believe anyone who tells me that they would die for their child, but would they LIVE for their child? Would they change attitudes and teach their children about love and respect? Would they choose healthier foods to feed themselves and their children? Would they become more active so they remain strong and healthy? Would they change their lifestyle so that their children can imitate a well rounded person?
Children are great imitators, so give them something great to imitate.
Dying is easy. You only have to do that once. You have to live every day. Do it with the same passion and commitment that you would if you had to die for your child.
I’ve changed a lot since becoming a father. Unrecognisable really. The younger, childless me was pretty care free. Sure, I had moments of angst and bouts of depression, but this was usually countered by alcohol or other recreational medication. Of course, this made things worse. Still, I held down a good job and had a couple of ‘serious’ relationships. My parents were, to the best of my knowledge , happy. I had friends. I had money, albeit spending it on the wrong things. Nothing too spectacular to see here.
I would describe myself as a pretty average 20 something living in Leeds (or at least, those that I knew!). I wasn’t a bad person. Think Joey or Chandler from Friends. I worked and had adult responsibilities, but I also liked to goof around playing Foosball (pool) with my mates rather than entering real life situations.
Meeting my future wife was a turning point, but, even then, I was crap with responsibility and being an adult.
And then I became a father. The ton of bricks hit me immediately. I took control. I knew that I couldn’t simply click my fingers and be the world’s best dad. I had to work on myself. The sign would say “Work In Progress”. It still does.
I now prepare for a future away from the next visit to the pool hall and a pint of Stella. I put commitments and plans in place way beyond what I do on a weekend as I used to navigate my time around the next Liverpool match or box set. My vision has become based upon my kids secondary school, their teenage years, further education, lifestyle, their careers and their opportunities and lives when I’m no longer around. Everything I do now is for them. Every gym visit, every job I undertake and every move in this game of chess called life is about what will benefit my children.
Seven years ago, with a baby just a few months old, my wife and I made a decision. The day after the UK had decided to leave the EU, we decided to leave the UK. I understand now, however difficult to get my head around it, that the majority of voters wanted Brexit. But we didn’t. I could see no solid evidence of happy endings from a country trying to recover from a recession leaving one of the largest economies in the world. And with the political landscape across the globe in such a panic in regards to war, terrorism and (later) pandemics, I felt that we needed to build friendships, allies and be united against those trying to harm our way of life. Now was not the time to create division.
Our decision to leave the UK wouldn’t have been so concrete if it hadn’t been for our children. We believe that our children will have better opportunities with the options to study, live and work with the freedom to move into 28 other countries. Once we make the move to Portugal (Visa pending now of course) our children will be EU citizens again and will be able to give them what we in the UK once had.
I sometimes wish that I had travelled and worked in different countries when I was younger. Learning new languages and meeting different people and cultures is a great way to discover the world we live in.
I want my kids to take away the blinkers and discover their world for themselves. To see and experience new things. I guess this is why we moved to Scarborough on the east coast of England before really putting our European plan into action. I loved Scarborough growing up as a kid. My kids love Scarborough now. We all do. But we also know that there are more adventures to be had elsewhere.
The more experiences that we can provide for our children, the easier their transition into adulthood can be. Soon, they’ll be sitting in a classroom having to understand Portuguese. That will be daunting for them, I know. But if they can overcome that, then not only will they acquire very good skills in the Portuguese language, but they will have less fear when it comes to their first day at Uni or traveling to a different country for a job opportunity. It will take them out of their comfort zone and into a world of opportunities.
Yes, I’ve changed a lot since becoming a father. I realized that I had to leave MY comfort zone. I had to start making decisions that were right for this tiny human being I held in my hands. And wherever it takes us, it is done with their wellbeing in mind.
I tend to leave our sitting room with the door wide open. My wife, who sits on the sofa as I dash past her for a loo trip, finds it most irritating.
My wife argues that, seeing as it is very cold and we’re trying to heat the room with expensive gas, we need to keep the doors shut to keep the heat in.
“Yes, but…” Is how I often start my comeback. “Yes, but I was in a rush.” I quickly unpause the fourth episode of Wednesday and hope that she doesn’t reply to my feeble excuse. I had time to close the door. I just forgot or couldn’t be bothered.
My kids do the same. When I ask why they aren’t dressed for school even though I told them to do it half an hour ago they reply, “Yes, but…”
“Yes, but there’s only 5 minutes left of this program.” Or, “Yes, but I can’t find my tie.”
And I’m also in an industry that makes us all say the same with equally terrible excuses.
We use work, illness, the cold, the heat, the dog chewing up our trainers. Anything we can do to excuse ourselves from not getting the workout done. Or the walk. Or the run. Or eating the nutritious option.
We will even say “Yes, but,” to ourselves in an attempt to make ourselves believe it.
Yet 9 times out of 10 these occasions can be reasoned with a little bit of planning. You see, missing one session at the gym or not completing a home workout for the past two days or choosing the cheesy chips instead of a side salad aren’t the deal breakers here. Everybody needs a rest, a bit of down time and definitely a bowl of cheesy chips now and again!
The habits we allow ourselves to form almost always start with a “Yes, but.”
We begin to push the boundaries. My kids want to fit in one more YouTube clip before they start to get dressed. Yet Mr Mellor won’t wait for them at the school gates if their clip runs over and they don’t make it to the gates on time. They have to take responsibility now before the habit takes over and they become regularly late due to poor time keeping.
I need to start closing the doors in order to keep the rooms warm. My bad habit will cost me money and I will regret it when I receive my gas bill.
“Yes, but” simply isn’t good enough. If we take time to reflect on our habits then we can plan to fix them. We can begin to accept that, whilst missing a gym visit due to snow or an illness is totally fine, allowing ourselves to go into weeks of poor decision making and bad habits with a “Yes, but” is not fine.
So if you see a bad habit trying to get in, firmly put wood in ‘tole and slam the door in its face.
I’m already starting to see the frustration in many newcomers to the gym that I train at. Their new years resolution and ‘new year, new start’ good intentions are beginning to wobble already.
This isn’t new. Professionally I’ve witnessed this for 10 years and personally for almost 30 years. The average person who begins a fitness journey generally calls it a day before they’ve had a chance to make any serious impact on their health, fitness or aesthetics.
Why?
My theory is that restricting oneself to a set date can be dull, uninspiring and demotivating if you simply are not ‘in the mood’ at that specific time. We cannot simply switch on and become something that we have not been for the past several months or years and in many cases, forever.
I use the term ‘catching the wave’ when it comes to specific life goals, be it in the gym or in general ambitions. Timing is important.
Catching the wave is an idiom that refers to taking advantage of a moment of good fortune or an occurrence in time and creating a sustainable, practical routine that can help you achieve your goals.
Riding the crest of this wave might not last forever, but because your memories of your successes are still fresh in your mind, you will find it much easier to catch the next wave. Much like the surfer, getting back onto the surf board after falling into the sea becomes much easier with practice.
But if we ignore the signs, most commonly our bodies and our minds, then all we have is a dreaded day in which we have to do something that we don’t really want to do.
Let’s take Jeremy as an example. He promised himself that he would join a gym on the second of January. He had never joined a gym before and, apart from the occasional 5 a side football game with his friends, had never been into a fitness centre at all.
But he had started to feel sluggish and lethargic. He couldn’t run with his young children or pick them up. His diet suffered due to the difficult cycle of feeling depressed because of his health and appearance so he comforted himself with food.
His new year’s resolution was to join the gym. The problem is that not only did the wave not come, he didn’t actually know how to catch it even if it had. After a few weeks of going to the gym and slogging out a few sessions a week he felt demoralised by not seeing any changes to his health or appearance and a few niggling injuries had started to occur. Jeremy became one of the many numbers of people who join the gym in January and don’t continue to go after February.
How to fix it!
As I have stated, a new year’s resolution gives a restrictive time frame. You must start at the beginning of a new year! Yet a few new tweaks towards a healthier outlook can, and should, happen at ANY time of year.
Rather than beginning a regime of a fad diet and 5 gym sessions a week, try starting by walking more. Research a few local areas that are popular for walkers and give them a go. It doesn’t have to be a full day of rambling. Just an hour will do.
Pick out a few of your favourite fruit and veg and start adding these to your plate more. These will add numerous nutritional benefits and create satiety, which allows you to feel fuller for longer. Also, making fruit and veg smoothies can help you get your required amounts if you don’t usually eat them in a meal.
Hire a PT. The feeling is that Personal Training can be a ‘no pain, no gain’ sort of attitude full of Burpees and just about everything else that is horrible. The reality is that a good PT, as long as you tell them that you are new to exercise, will give you advice similar to my first two points. Move a little bit more and add fruit and veg to your diet. If they go straight into Burpees then sack them. Also, PT can be done online these days which is cheaper. A good PT will get to know you and develop a routine for you that you enjoy and will even know when you are on the crest of a wave or if you’re in the sea!
And finally, to really find that wave, if you feel like doing it, just do it! Start saying yes to the 5 a side games more. Go for a walk or a run. Start swimming. Or just join the gym at any time of year!
You might find that one of these activities becomes a passion and something that really motivates you. Eventually , you find yourself riding a wave. And if you ever fall off, rather than wait until a new year, you’ll know how to get back on much easier, much sooner.
I am a Personal Trainer, meditation teacher, health and fitness blogger, husband and dad.
Seeing as our previous holiday outside of the UK was just before the 2020 lockdown hit, we decided to take a week in central Portugal with our boys this January. We weren’t disappointed.
Staying in the centre of a city can give you a good idea of a place and our apartment was above cafés on a busy street. Wherever we went, we came across lots of cafés. The vibes were positive. My morning routine soon became going to the nearest cafe with the boys and choosing a few patisseries for them to take back up to the apartment while I sat outside the cafe soaking up the atmosphere with a double espresso.
I can see the attraction of this cafe culture in places like Tomar. This is how many of the locals would start their day, congregating around a table on the pavement and having a chat. I enjoyed people watching. My eavesdropping, however, wasn’t so good in Portuguese. You get good thinking time in the few minutes that it takes to drink an espresso too. In just a week, most of my best business plans came in that moment each morning. Whatever our plans. Whatever we aspire to achieve, whatever we want to do with our lives, we need thinking time in order to do it.
And Tomar was indeed partly a business trip. But with two kids with us, everything is generally a little unconventional. We had to merge a holiday with the stuff that we went there to do. The kids loved it. In fact, they enjoyed the bits where Lou and I had appointments and had to travel.
We enjoy a holiday in the sun by the beach with a water park outside of our hotel, but they seem to also appreciate talking to people in another language, taking notice of the architecture, trying different food and finding out about the history of towns and cities that they visit. Many locals didn’t speak English and Tomar is steeped in history, so we all enjoyed learning along the way.
Of course, I had to try the different food and drinks on offer during my stay. It’s a good job it is ‘bulking season’! However, the pastal de natas that I ate each morning aren’t a great dietary need for any time of the season, they just tasted good! So did the wine!
Getting back to a steady diet and a training routine will take a few days. Whenever we have a period of time off it can have that sort of impact on our energy and motivation. I know that I’ll have a couple of ‘sluggish’ gym sessions which can deter people from carrying on. It’s easy to think that all of the hard work and good progress is lost after a period of time eating lots of food and having time away from training, but it really isn’t. The body needs down time too. And there’s no better place than in a cafe in Tomar.
‘Oh shit.’ I muttered as a van slowly slid down the hill towards my car with me and the boys inside.
I would usually wince at my curses if I were in the vicinity of the kids and tell myself off for using such language. Tonight, however, it’s a wonder it wasn’t something stronger.
Within a split second, which seemed to happen in slow motion, the van uncontrollably came closer to the car. It would do a considerable amount of damage to the car if it hit it, but I was confident that me and the boys would be safe. My wife, though, was the one pushing our car up the hill! Any sort of collision, considering the cars revving hard up the hill and the sliding cars coming down it, could have been very serious to anybody on foot.
Luckily, and what seemed to be just a couple of inches away, the van managed to stop as I continued to rev my car up the hill as my wife, now with a couple of helpers, got my car onto a flatter surface.
The journey back from taking our boys for their swimming lessons had turned into quite an adventure. A journey that should take 10 minutes took an hour and a half.
That evening, along with my long list of Google questions such as ‘Schools in Santarem’ and ‘Houses for sale in Santarem’, ‘Does it snow in Santarem?’ entered the search history.
Next year will be the year that I move with my family to Portugal. The weather isn’t the biggest motivation, but last night it did nudge up a few places on the priority list.
I used to like it when it snowed. I have lovely memories of snowball fights and building snowmen as a kid. But as a grown up, I only like it on a greetings card. Snow means a loss of earnings and near misses with vans.
It also means I don’t get to the gym to train myself as much. Of course, the snow doesn’t play a huge part in this. It might cause a day or two of disruption but I have a long list of work and house chores that need doing and, generally, the lead up to the Christmas week represents a rest period to my regular training schedule. And although January would usually be the green light to get stuck into my schedule again, a week away in Portugal in the first week of the new year will give me extra time to enjoy my ‘bulking’ period.
After all, who can go to Portugal and not try a pastel de nata or two?
As a senior in my previous career I had to interview people for new job roles. It was an uncomfortable role. I knew what it was like to sit down in an interview room with three strangers judging the way I dressed, introduced myself and answered their questions.
On one occasion a guy walked in for his interview. Quite a confident chap, or so he portrayed, and a little different from the other interviewees. One of my questions was…
“Where do you see yourself in five years time?”
With hardly any hesitation, he looked straight at me and said…
“Where you’re sitting.”
I tried to keep my poker face, interviewer style persona about me but I just loved his answer. I grabbed my pen and put a big 10/10 on my question sheet.
I left the company a couple of years later and, in keeping in touch with old friends at the workplace, found that he had indeed started to sit in my chair doing my old job.
I used to hate that question. It isn’t down to a lack of ambition, but I couldn’t honestly tell any prospective employer that I would not only be still at the company in five years time but I’d be a senior within it.
And yet I understand entirely the need for planning. I plan fitness plans 2 or 3 years ahead in some cases. Olympians need to plan four years in advance to achieve a weight target, a strength goal and an incredible amount of ability in their field for them to compete. My own fitness plan is an annual plan.
And although life throws hurdles that I need to jump, my fitness plan stays on track. But I’m qualified to deal with that. I’m experienced in knowing where the pit falls will be and how to overcome it. As a Personal Trainer, it is simply a part of my job. I see the pit falls before my clients do. That’s how I can prepare them for their fitness goals.
However, there’s no text book or a University of Parenting. There isn’t a rule in how to be self employed during and after Covid lockdowns or a cost of living crisis and there’s no secret formula to a happy marriage. We have to, somehow, stumble through life doing the best we can. Often, we have to wing it.
My wife and I had a five year plan of moving to France. This was about 6 years ago. This was being planned quite well until March 2020 when the UK went into lockdown. As two self employed workers who were not classed as ‘key workers’ we had to stay indoors with our two boys. Slowly, our France fund and all of our savings disappeared.
My time structuring hypertrophy programmes, weight loss plans and sport specific macrocycles counted for nothing when we were faced with a life changing event that could not be stopped. This sort of event was not planned.
And so here we are coming to the end of 2022. We have dusted ourselves off and began to think about our future again. But a five year plan? Oh no. Not this time. This time, we’re looking to see what we can achieve next year. We can’t wait for another financial crash, a pandemic or another dodgy mini budget from a chancellor. We need to act quickly.
Our plan has become so pragmatic that it is something that is unknown to my wife and I. We have moved around the North of England quite a bit in our 15 years together so a house move doesn’t bother us. But this time we leave the country. In 2023, we move to Portugal.
The kids are pretty cool with the idea. I’m sure they’re a little miffed that they’ve just learnt the basics in French and now I’m trying to speak Portuguese to them. I’m doing quite well on Duolingo. I can now say “The armadillo reads the newspaper” in fluent Portuguese.
Our skills can be transferred and our immediate plan is to create wellness vacations for tourists and spa days for visitors and locals alike. If nothing else, it will be a challenge that we haven’t yet done. It’ll be an adventure. Only time will tell on the level of success we have.
Do you ever get the feeling that you keep promising yourself something and it never happens? Our five year plan could have easily turned into another five year plan, and another, and another. But I don’t want to grow old with a bunch of “What ifs”.
Sure, life can upset the norm sometimes but if things go wrong I want it to be on my terms. I want to own my mistakes if, indeed, there are any. And whether I do this in parenting, my health and fitness, our marriage, our business ventures and where we live then I want it to be my journey. One that I take charge of with my family.
And if I wait another five years I am giving the Universe a chance to throw me another curve ball or I might even Invent a problem myself that isn’t actually there!
Andy Williams sang about this most wonderful time of year. And for many people it is true. Lots of people love Christmas and the lead up to the big day. But it can also be the cause of stress and anxiety for others.
I agree with Andy, but whilst I enjoy the festivities that occur throughout December, I can’t help but feel that I’d be happy to see the back of it too. So my song would go something like… It’s the most wonderful time of the year and it’s a relief when it’s over. Doesn’t have the same ring to it though.
Because I have managed to overcome many of my anxieties around Christmas (or at least deal with them as they inevitably crop up), I might well be in a position to give a few suggestions on how to ease this festive fear and, perhaps, even enjoy it a bit more.
Here are my top tips for not giving a crap this Christmas…
* You don’t need Christmas pajamas. Wear what you like as long as you are comfortable and warm.
* Your decorations don’t need to look like a scene from a Hollywood Christmas movie. Your tinsel might have seen better days and your tree might be a bit wonky, but it’s your tinsel and tree and if the kids have helped decorate the house then just blame them.
* Oh and you don’t need to light up Las Vegas. A few twinkling lights will do.
* Just because you have the same qualifications as someone else doesn’t mean you have to socialize with them. The people that you work with are your work colleagues. If you don’t fancy the office party then don’t go.
* This year my wife and I are having burgers on the BBQ for our Christmas lunch. A little unconventional but every year my wife gets stuck in the kitchen for hours making a roast dinner with all the trimmings. Not this year!
* Do people send Christmas cards anymore? I dunno, but you don’t have to. For special people you might not see much of, then give them a call on Christmas Day. I bet they’d be very happy with that. But if you do get a card from the Brannigan’s at number 34 then you’d best send one back or your name will be mud in the street WhatsApp group that they’ve not invited you on.
* Don’t start the Irish Cream too early. I’ve made the mistake of raising a toast on a Christmas morning with a fake Bailey’s and I’ve been slurring my words by the time Top Of The Pops came on at 2.
* Don’t worry about other people’s social media pics. Everybody looks like they’re having the time of their lives, but I bet they can’t wait for Aunty Margaret to leave so they can stop breathing in her sprouty farts.
* And finally, your kids love you and if you are teaching them right they will know that, between you and Santa, you’ve done your best with gifts this year.
I hope some of these suggestions raised a smile and put your mind at rest a little. It is indeed a wonderful time of year. You just need to stop, take a deep breath, smile and roll with it.
As my wife and I were walking down our street this week the first sightings of Christmas decorations were spotted.
“Them at number 23 have gone early,” we seemed to simultaneously comment.
Every year we look for the early birds “going early” and every year we judge whether it’s a touch too early or not.
We’ve said the same thing for years…
“They get earlier every year, they do.”
“Channel 5 have gone early with their Christmas films this year.”
“Zoe Ball has gone early with playing Mariah Carey on the radio.”
We seem to have an issue with people going too early with their Christmas celebrations. Indeed, no sooner have the Pennywise masks left the supermarket shelves and the After Eights are stocked up. I do cringe at the thought of consumerism that is involved which in turn makes us all go too early.
However, I don’t blame anyone for wanting to bring forward the festive cheers. The last few years have been tough and, just this year alone in the UK, we’ve had political unrest with a few different Prime Ministers, a cost of living crisis, the Queen’s passing with a few weeks of mourning and Neighbors getting cancelled. It’s been a strange year.
So when I woke up listening to a Michael Bublé Christmas classic this morning I did feel a little cheer and a festive spirit lift me. It was about 6:45 and Finlay, my youngest, had asked Alexa for Christmas songs. I wouldn’t have chosen to be awake so early on a Saturday with no school or work to get up for and Finlay hasn’t yet mastered how to ask Alexa to turn the volume down. But if I’m to get woken up by anything, it could’ve been a lot worse than Bublé.
And I can just imagine what the neighbors will have been saying…
Never Give Up PT 