anxiety – Page 5 – Never Give Up PT

Worrying About What Others Think

I must have spent what equates to years of my life worrying about what people think about me. Certainly as a teenager I wanted to feel accepted by my peers in some way. And then in adulthood along came social media, where ‘likes’ and ‘thumbs up’ became far more important in my life than they should have. In job interviews, social settings and on social media, I wanted to be liked and wanted.

But then it stopped.

I didn’t suddenly turn into a person who didn’t care about what others thought about me, but I did become very aware of my change in attitude on whether or not somebody liked my personality, accepted my dress sense, my political opinions and my interests. I care, but don’t cry about it if somebody doesn’t like me for whatever reason. I do me. They can do them.

My ‘resting bitch face’ can be a hindrance. Maybe I can look angry or disinterested when actually that’s just my face! I don’t just walk around with a smile. I need to be approachable in my profession, whether in the gym or in my future projects. Yet I can only continue doing me, otherwise people wouldn’t get me, they’d get fake me.

Did age change my attitude to being accepted or not?! In my experience, older people tend to have less of a filter. Am I just getting old?!

My appearance is deceiving. I’m bald, so I shave whatever bits of hair grows on my head. I weight train and eat a lot, so I am of a larger size. I have tattoos including flags of communist countries, guerilla warfare leaders and football club badges. People might judge me on this. Also, I’m open about my politics. Just the other day a parent at my son’s football match asked me why we chose Portugal to be our next place to live. Without hesitation I said it was because Portugal is in the EU and we want to get out of Brexit Britain. I could have just said ‘For the weather’, but then it wouldn’t be me.

Yes, if I make friends, I can lose them pretty quickly. I just can’t say what I think people might want to hear. And I appreciate transparency in a friend. They can call me a dick if I’m being a dick. No hard feelings. It’s the people that can’t take it when I pull them up on something. It needs to work both ways. I don’t need them as friends. They can fake it elsewhere.

Remaining calm and focussed when I get labelled, misquoted or misrepresented is something that I still have to learn to deal with. After all, I am human with all the same sensitive emotions as the next person. I’m not a robot. But a piece of good advice from author Morgan Richard Olivier is something that I always refer back to.

She said…”Letting people be wrong about you or a situation while keeping your peace and focus is the most misunderstood power move you will ever make.”

You see, becoming comfortable with yourself is one of the greatest super powers that you can possess. You can spend a lifetime trying to impress people. How we look, think and behave are being judged all of the time, and yet, by whose standards?

Will my life be any different if Graham from Dudley gives me an angry face emoji because I am happy to refer to Sam Smith as ‘they/them’ on the internet?

Would I feel any better if I were to explain to Sally on the Co-Op till that I’m not a far right football hooligan, just a follicy challenged lover of Liverpool FC?

I don’t need to explain myself. And you don’t have to explain yourself.

Komorebi

The next time you get a moment (and you should make sure that you do) just close your eyes and visualise yourself in an environment that you consider the most calming, tranquil place in the universe.

It could be standing by the sea or on a mountain top. You could imagine yourself sitting on a cloud or even a star. You could be in a safe place with a loved one. Anywhere at all.

And then breathe these images from your mind deeply into your lungs. Let them fill your body right down to your toes.

This is a form of meditation. So many people tell me that they can’t meditate or don’t know how to. Perhaps for some they might feel a bit silly. They think of sitting cross legged, humming, chanting and emptying your mind or turning off your senses. And yet it doesn’t have to be that at all. It’s just about taking a moment.

My favourite images when I close my eyes are of the sun’s rays shining through the branches of a tree. The rays gently dance around as the dappled light warms my thoughts.

The scientific term for this light is called Crepuscular rays and the Japanese call it Komorebi, which is made up of the Kanji characters for tree, shine through and sun.

I like the Japanese description, but many great poets have attempted to describe this beautiful pure and spontaneous natural pleasure. Gerard Manley Hopkins called it Shivelight and wrote about…”the lances of sunlight that pierce the canopy of a wood.”

CS Lewis wrote…”Any patch of sunlight in a wood will show you something about the sun which you could never get from reading books on astronomy.”

I agree.

And as wonderful as it is to see this in real life, it also exists in my head. Just by closing my eyes and taking a step back from the 100 miles an hour daily life, I can be anywhere and see anything that I like.

Now take a moment. Close your eyes. Breath. And discover what you can find.

Advice From The Mole

It seems that it doesn’t really matter who you are, you will, at some stage in your life, compare yourself and your abilities to someone else. This leads to us wanting what somebody else has.

It is totally natural and since our primate and then homo sapien descendants demonstrated, this need can evolve into producing more, working harder, becoming more creative and developing speech and the world around them.

So here we are.

This need, it could be argued, also leads to greed, destruction, war and division.

And as society needs to deal with this obsessive nature of ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ we as individuals need to take a long hard look at how we deal with this process.

Even now, I will walk into the gym and want to run as far as her. I want his hair style. I want the six pack and the teeth and shoulders and their ability to tell a joke and make people laugh. I want the tattooed sleeve.

I will watch in admiration as they push a 150k bar, but I might end my thought with ‘I wish I could lift that much weight’. I truly admire other people’s abilities and, as part of my job as a PT, I help in people reaching such great abilities. But as human nature as it, sometimes I want it too.

But whilst the evolution from primate to homo took billions of years, we want it now, today.

A book that was brought to my attention recently called The Boy, The Mole, The Fox And The Horse said,’What do you think is the biggest waste of time’, asked the boy. ‘Comparing yourself to others.’ Replied the mole.

Patiently watching and learning from others can be a wonderful attribute to have. But comparing yourself to others can be damaging and, as the mole quite rightly puts it… it’s a waste of time.

The difference between learning and comparing is massive. It’s the difference between peace and war. For you personally, it’s the difference between self love and self loathing.

So take a look in the mirror at yourself. The beautiful, intelligent you. And keep being you. Nobody else.

Be Kind

As I ran home crying from the group of kids because of name calling, I remember my mum telling me to ignore them. ‘Kids can be cruel’, she said.

It seems to be a given that, at some stage in their young lives, kids will be teased about their appearance or their character.

I had big front teeth, didn’t always wear the newest, trendiest trainers and I didn’t ‘join in’ with the other kids games. Games such as throwing stones at passers by or tormenting the old man who was thought of as the local ‘wierdo’. I didn’t smoke or drink to look tough in front of my mates and I didn’t like to swear. I was an easy target for 12 year olds to pick on in an estate where you had to look after yourself to survive it.

However, I was very good at football. This, between young peers, can be a golden ticket that saves you from years of bullying. Despite my lack of ‘coolness’ in my appearance or my actions, I’d be one of the first to be picked on their team when it was time to play footy.

‘We want Ducky!’ they would shout as the team captains picked their teams. Ducky was my nickname because of my last name, Duckworth. And even if I went back to the estate today in Leeds 9, I would get a call from across the road by a bloke in his 40’s shouting ‘Ducky! Alright mate!’

I was, despite a few incidents of name calling, a child who escaped awful bullying. Football and a cool nickname saved me. And into my teen years, after a series of playground fights with other kids, I was never bullied or even heard a hint of name-calling. Seemingly, my ability to have a scrap in the playground was pretty useful too. Kids rarely picked on a kid who could fight back. But these days I worry about the kids.

Kids might have received a bloody nose and a ripped shirt that they’d have to explain to their mum after a scrap in the playground. But these days I worry about weapons being carried. That never entered my head as a kid as I readied myself against the school bully. Today it would.

But anyway, as my mum said, kids can be cruel. So where do they get it from?

My concern is that if we as adults normalize bullying then our children will see this as perfectly normal behaviour too. I made a decision this week to take myself off of Facebook. I share pictures of family life and work life on Instagram which is fine for what I want to use it for, but I found that Facebook was getting out of hand. I’ll tell you why.

Last week a well known UK television presenter wrote an article in one of the biggest selling newspapers about Meghan Markle. What he said, in my opinion, should never have been published. It incited violence and gave his readers a reason to ‘hate’ a woman who was already vilified by the UK press. This was adding fuel to an already very raging fire.

On Facebook I read so many comments that were congratulating the article. The words which they used to attack Megan Markle were disgraceful. Any attempts to call out the bullies were met with comments about being ‘woke’ or a ‘snowflake’.

Is that where we are at now as a society?

A couple of years ago a young woman took her own life because of the negative publicity she was receiving about her personal life. Caroline Flack was a TV presenter who, on screen, was confident and bubbly. But the UK press hounded her about her off screen troubles. A ‘Be kind’ hashtag became popular and it seemed that, maybe, the press knew it had gone too far in its reporting of Flack. But unfortunately, if the latest media target has anything to go by, it is back bigger and uglier than ever.

Name-calling, trolling and hate speech has been normalized.

Last year I helped an elderly man with a few techniques in the gym so that he could walk easier. He loved to go for walks with his wife but was struggling. Each time he saw me in the gym he would say ‘Shay! Because of what you have shown me, I am getting stronger on my feet again!’ His confidence in the gym had grown and he seemed to have a spring in his step again.

But just last week, I asked him how his exercise routine was going and he said that he had stopped doing it. Two men had started to comment and laugh at him every time he started his exercises. What they thought was ‘banter’, was having a serious impact on the older man’s experience in the gym and therefore his health. He will only use the treadmill now which is in a different section of the gym to where the two men train.

Our words and our actions can impact other people’s lives. We have a choice of whether we want to use our words and actions for good or for bad. We don’t always realise how profound our words and actions can be.

But if you are ever unsure, as a general rule of thumb, just be kind.

Beating The Stress Of Christmas

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year.”

Andy Williams sang about this most wonderful time of year. And for many people it is true. Lots of people love Christmas and the lead up to the big day. But it can also be the cause of stress and anxiety for others.

I agree with Andy, but whilst I enjoy the festivities that occur throughout December, I can’t help but feel that I’d be happy to see the back of it too. So my song would go something like… It’s the most wonderful time of the year and it’s a relief when it’s over. Doesn’t have the same ring to it though.

Because I have managed to overcome many of my anxieties around Christmas (or at least deal with them as they inevitably crop up), I might well be in a position to give a few suggestions on how to ease this festive fear and, perhaps, even enjoy it a bit more.

Here are my top tips for not giving a crap this Christmas…

* You don’t need Christmas pajamas. Wear what you like as long as you are comfortable and warm.

* Your decorations don’t need to look like a scene from a Hollywood Christmas movie. Your tinsel might have seen better days and your tree might be a bit wonky, but it’s your tinsel and tree and if the kids have helped decorate the house then just blame them.

* Oh and you don’t need to light up Las Vegas. A few twinkling lights will do.

* Just because you have the same qualifications as someone else doesn’t mean you have to socialize with them. The people that you work with are your work colleagues. If you don’t fancy the office party then don’t go.

* This year my wife and I are having burgers on the BBQ for our Christmas lunch. A little unconventional but every year my wife gets stuck in the kitchen for hours making a roast dinner with all the trimmings. Not this year!

* Do people send Christmas cards anymore? I dunno, but you don’t have to. For special people you might not see much of, then give them a call on Christmas Day. I bet they’d be very happy with that. But if you do get a card from the Brannigan’s at number 34 then you’d best send one back or your name will be mud in the street WhatsApp group that they’ve not invited you on.

* Don’t start the Irish Cream too early. I’ve made the mistake of raising a toast on a Christmas morning with a fake Bailey’s and I’ve been slurring my words by the time Top Of The Pops came on at 2.

* Don’t worry about other people’s social media pics. Everybody looks like they’re having the time of their lives, but I bet they can’t wait for Aunty Margaret to leave so they can stop breathing in her sprouty farts.

* And finally, your kids love you and if you are teaching them right they will know that, between you and Santa, you’ve done your best with gifts this year.

I hope some of these suggestions raised a smile and put your mind at rest a little. It is indeed a wonderful time of year. You just need to stop, take a deep breath, smile and roll with it.

Luvly Jubbly

Those days of running for the bus through Durham City center with a suitcase full of shortbread biscuits still makes me smile.

Lou and I didn’t drive at the time and we were desperate to sell our handmade biscuits at the market a few miles outside of the village we lived in. It reminds me of Del Boy and Rodney running from the old Bill, except what we were selling were pukka!

It wasn’t for the money. Had it been for financial gain then biscuits wouldn’t have been our first thought to make and sell. After the labour and baking costs, the ingredients, the bags and labels, the mark up on a bag of biscuits were pretty crumby, but we wanted to prove that we could sell them. The locals and tourists loved them. We even had VIP treatment at museums such as Beamish as they wanted us to supply them with our little sweet biscuity treats.

The Biscuit Tree was born.

But we also knew that it couldn’t last. We had to make enough money to pay the bills. We had day jobs, sure, but the time that went into making literally hundreds of bags of biscuits each week became difficult to juggle. After a couple of years of standing in all kinds of weather, we hung up our kitchen aprons. We have never been sentimental about a business venture. We moved on.

I’m not a natural salesperson. I sell stuff that sells itself really. It’s not difficult to sell something that has lots of butter and sugar in it. Personal Training is trickier, but I am everything that most gym goers are. Insecure about their body, looking for an endorphin fix and have niggling injuries. I am my own client. Add a bit of knowledge on how to solve these issues and you have a decent PT business.

As a teenager I also sold gym memberships and, although this was doorstep cold calling, they weren’t difficult to sell with the price cuts this particular gym were offering. I also sold mobile phones when just about everyone in the world wanted a Nokia 3310. It wasn’t difficult.

But at our children’s school Christmas fair my biggest challenge was to come. We had a stall selling crystals, gems and healing pendulums and jewelry.

Science can be useful when selling something. I can give tangible evidence as to why going to a gym can be helpful or why mobile phones are useful. But science tends to stutter at healing crystals. However, using my own experience can be something that I can draw upon.

I would never, ever sell anything that I don’t believe in. I want to be able to sleep at night. So when my wife asked me to join her in the stall I had no issues in doing it, but I did need to understand WHY people invest in crystals. Therefore I had to ask myself why I use them, despite a lack of scientific evidence of their powers.

First of all I need to break it down to the basics. We don’t NEED a gym membership to be fitter. We don’t NEED a mobile phone to communicate. We don’t NEED biscuits to be happy. We don’t NEED crystals to heal or give positive vibes. But the latter is the only one that can be traced back to ancient Egypt, India, Rome and Greece and it will continue long after the rest too.

As I stood on the stall last night, a lady approached and looked very interested in the different crystals on display.

“I’m always drawn to crystals,” she said, “but I don’t know what to do with them.”

With no prior experience in selling crystals, I had to go with my gut.

“Pick one up and hold it. Tell me how it makes you feel.” I replied.

She picked up a beautiful rose quartz, known for its qualities in emotional health. She held it tightly and started to smile.

“It feels comforting.” She said.

“Then that’s what you do with a crystal.”

Sold. In fact she bought 5 in total.

During the evening, children and their parents spent a lot of time at our stall and many crystals went to good homes. It was satisfying to do. Much more so than selling phones.

The important thing here is that, even without scientific confirmation, you can still lead with your heart. And it is only recently I realized that. I don’t pray for that exact reason. I don’t know who I am praying to. That doesn’t mean that others can’t pray.

Yet I do feel a power or an aura when I meditate with crystals. It feels right to me. It is empowering.

Just like shortbread biscuits, they can make me feel a bit better.

Random Acts Of Kindness

Even if Dick Dastardly were to be walking up the meat isle in Sainsbury’s and was asked by an elderly person to reach onto the top shelf for a pack of chicken liver for her he would have done it. It wasn’t a huge thing that I did for another person this morning, but I was there to help so I did. It made the lady smile and it made me smile. It gives me a fuzzy warm feeling inside to help someone.

Also this morning, I decided to declutter the side shelf that had managed to breed piles of paper and it was about time that I went through it all. It had been a while. Amongst the papers included was an unopened letter from my opticians from 2021 and a Christmas card sent to the previous owner of our house. I walk past this pile several times a day and just haven’t done anything about it in such a long time. Maybe it’s been so long I’ve just become blind to it. I should’ve gone to Specsavers.

Also nestled in this pile of papers was an A4 sized written message from our eldest son, Jonas. Now, talking of making people smile, he managed to do this for my wife and I with his lovely words of love and kindness. It read…

” Whoever gets this I just want you to know I love you, from Jonas.”

We don’t know when it was written, but it had obviously just got sucked into this pile of papers at some point. But this random act of kindness that can be read by me, his mum or his little brother was a very thoughtful thing to do.

And what a wonderful world we could live in if messages of love, acts of support or a simple smile at random people were commonplace. I do fear, however, that we haven’t got enough of it in our lives.

My wife and I have had a rare opportunity to be at home together whilst the kids are at school and sort stuff out such as piles of paper and food shopping. But another practice that we like to undertake from time to time is to cleanse the rooms in the house. We do this by using a singing bowl and palo santo. Burning palo santo wood in your home is called smudging and, with positive intentions provided by your thoughts or affirmations, will cleanse your home of negativity and allow the positive energy to enter.

I’m very much a science based person. I like to see the evidence of something before I can ‘believe’ in it. Yet I seem to be drawn to this 15th century South America tradition. And although I am not religious in any way, I do find many spiritual traditions helpful. Maybe sometimes we don’t need experiments, statistics or numbers to tell us if something works. We just need to feel it. And I do feel the power of palo santo and a singing bowl when it comes to cleansing my surroundings.

I’m trying to be less angry. I’m tired of being annoyed at other pedestrians and road users. I want to be more patient towards people. I’m desperate to hang around supermarket isles just so I can grab another item that had been out of the reach of a shorter person. I want to do random acts of kindness.

But I’m unable to do that if my home isn’t giving me positive vibes. And it isn’t about the annoying pile of papers that need to be sorted out. It’s about finding my home to be a happy place to be. It is where I raise my children, prepare my work and create aspirations with my wife. A home needs positivity.

So maybe we all need to take a look at how the Incas and an 8 year old can create a happier environment in our own homes. Think positively, speak positively, cleanse positively and write positively.

Tell Yourself

The act of congratulating one’s self might seem a little egotistical to some. And perhaps, like everything else, we can form opinions about stuff that only makes sense once we give a bit of context to each situation.

For example, the gym goer checking themselves out in the gym mirror can look like they’re being self absorbed or a ‘poser’. But what if they’re training for a bodybuilding competition and a part of their sport is to flex. Or even if they’re not training for competition, maybe they’re actually quite insecure about a certain part of their body and they want to admire themselves for a short time before the negative feelings about themselves come flooding back.

And I have met people who have tried ‘bigging’ themselves up by putting other people down. They will constantly tap away at your insecurities and laugh at your failures to cover up their own inadequacies. It is difficult, but being the better person and politely removing yourself from this type of person is the best thing to do in this situation. Like I say, it is difficult, as your reactions are often to start believing what they say to you or to give them a piece of your mind and insult them back. But remember, they’re possibly even more insecure than you, that’s why they do it.

Congratulating yourself can be done with humility. It can be done in private so you’re not being ‘showy’. And maybe you should give it a try.

Men of all ages (not just teenagers) grunt into the mirror as they flex their pecs like a WWE wrestler and women check their rears with their new jeans on and feel satisfied with the gym work they’ve done that week. That is a sure sign of congratulating one’s self and giving a well deserved pat on the back, but I’m thinking of something much deeper than that with a greater impact on our mindset and wellbeing. I’m talking about positive affirmations, mantras and reflection.

Sometimes it’s important just to stop and reflect on what you’ve achieved that day or week. Heck, if you have the time you can reflect on your achievements throughout your whole life!

Did you pass the exam and get a dream job? Did you stick to an exercise plan and reach a fitness goal? Have you done your best as a parent or partner? Did you make someone smile today?

If your answer is no to any of these, that’s fine, because now you have given an honest answer, doing it better tomorrow becomes a little easier. But to do things better I believe that affirmations are powerful tools. These are words and short sentences that you tell yourself and repeat them.

In the advertising industry, short sharp slogans are very popular. The most popular seem to be the three word slogans which are also adopted by politicians. Here are a few examples…

Just do it

Taste the rainbow

Build a wall

Get brexit done

I’m lovin’ it

Yes we can

Education, education, education

Take back control

Strong and stable

Maybe it’s Maybelline

Let’s go places

How many of those can you identify? They are memorable because they have a certain ring to them, almost like a chant. Indeed, Trump’s ‘Build a wall’ speech was chanted by himself and his followers. Whether you like the political ideology and the product or not, these slogans were/are very successful which have helped create huge brands with many voters and consumers alike. They were believed. They were punchy.

Now, let’s go back to you. If you gave yourself a moment each day, for example in the mornings, to repeat positive affirmations to yourself, do you think that this could work for you? Indeed, this precedes advertising slogans by thousands of years so it is most certainly working for somebody! My guess is that it worked so well for so many cultures and religions throughout the world for so long that a very clever advertising agent cottoned on to it too. And voilà. What was said over and over again became reality.

You might find it strange to come up with a phrase and repeat it to yourself. It might be uncomfortable at first. But you actually do it already without really acknowledging it. You make a judgement on whether you can reach the jar on the top shelf. You create dynamic risk assessments when crossing the road and driving a car. These daily routines are embedded into your life. Therefore the same affirmations are repeated over and over again.

“Yes, the road is clear,” is a typical example of this. You are confirming your belief that you can cross the road. So why not take a moment in your day to consciously go through your positive affirmations?

Phrases such as…

I am strong

I am confident

Today, I can do it

I am grateful

I will do

…can impact you so profoundly that you begin to believe. After all, you use self fulfilling prophecies to be negative about yourself all the time. Whether it’s how you look, how you act, what you’ve achieved. Imagine countering this negative thinking with “today I look good, I feel great, I am happy!”

Allow yourself the time to tell yourself these great and wonderful things about you. Yes, you. Just a moment in time where you tell yourself how fucking fantastic you are. Tell yourself daily. Make it as much of a priority as eating. Ensure that it becomes as natural as breathing. There’s no shame in telling yourself that you are a good person. It is not self indulgent to believe that you are an important person in other people’s lives and you are capable of great things to them and to you.

You just need to do one simple thing to make it be true. And that’s to keep telling yourself.

I am a Personal Trainer, Meditation Guide, a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist in Anxiety and I tell myself that I’m the luckiest man alive every day. Therefore I am.

A New Project

Perhaps there is a shift happening in the UK regarding attitudes towards mental health, mindfulness and our well being. Only today I heard a report saying that more employers are offering their staff the opportunity to participate in yoga sessions during working hours. It is found that destressing in this way can make for better production of the work force.

Those opposing such a scheme say that it is time and money consuming and it is pandering to the ‘woke briggade’ (whatever that is).

Yet we were all fine with cigarette breaks and, in fact, these breaks were often seen as our right to a quick ciggy if we were stressed. People also commented on how productive a group of colleagues were during their cig breaks and how they would bond. Funny, cig breaks that I remember would be a time for people to slag somebody off behind their back.

It is hard to criticize yoga. I practice it a bit at home with the kids but, I must admit, I’m no expert. Meditation, however, is a passion. And this should also be something considered in the workplace.

How can working on our breathing to calming music be a detriment to an employee? How can focussing on positive thoughts and visualising happy outcomes not help an employee in their work life, thus making them a very productive team member?

Depending on where you are reading this, there will be something unsettling going on in your town, city or country. Whether it be war, political divide, Covid or, as it is currently in the UK, a real concern about the cost of living and energy bills. Perhaps since most of us were restricted in who we could see and limited in how long we could be out of our homes for during the pandemic, we have become a little bit more angry or disillusioned at life. The figures suggest that we are. Depression is at an all time high in the UK. For one reason or another, we are just not coping. And if the adults aren’t, I can bet the children aren’t either.

And this is where my wife and I felt that we could help. It’s a small way but we aim to make this work and hopefully grow when we receive our feedback. Our new project will be to provide schools with mindfulness and meditation sessions to their children. Indeed, schools are already finding that children’s mental well-being is becoming a priority. As I mentioned in my example of an adult’s productivity, a child too can thrive in their development if they are shown how to be more mindful.

I’ve been preoccupied recently, which in part is the reason for me writing less blogs. My wife and I have been arranging meetings, developing session plans and meditation scripts. Along with our regular work, it has become quite a commitment. But one worth making.

Soon we will be conducting two focus groups so that we can test our work so far with a view to begin in our first school in January. We want to be in every school in Scarborough within two years.

School and education is important, just like the workplace and production. But if we don’t respond to our future worker’s needs now then how productive will our society be?

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