Tag Archives: anxiety

The Problem With Motivation

My gym journey, building a new business, being a good husband and father and moving to another country all need a consistent and considered approach.

Whatever the pitfalls each one delivers (and they do) if I live by the rule of consistency then I will eventually find a conclusion that works for me. It might not always be the best or most perfect outcome. I’m a realist. But it will, at least, enable me to move forward and continue my plans to reach that elusive ‘perfection’.

What helps me keep consistent is two main factors. The first is the question ‘Why?’

Why do I do what I do? Why bother with the gym every day? Why put the effort into my relationship with my wife and children? Why start up a new business? Why move to a different country?

The truth is that I would be immensely unhappy if I didn’t.

Some days I really don’t fancy going to the gym, but I enjoy the endorphins and the way it makes me look.

Some days my kids are driving me mad! But if I shout and lose my temper then I am teaching them that being kind and patient does not work.

And some days I really don’t want to deal with solicitors, VISA applications or business plans. But if I don’t do it then the move to Portugal can’t happen and therefore the new business can’t happen. I’ll be back in a commercial gym faster than you can say ‘500 quid a month rent’.

I don’t want the alternative, so I have to be consistent in how I get things done. Having a few days off is not on the table. And this leads me on to factor number 2.

These actions are non-negotiable. I cannot let the consistency slip. Now, I’m not talking about missing the gym for an emergency, bickering with my wife or watching Coranation Street instead of working on my business plan. I’m talking about serious procrastination that begins to turn itself into a lifestyle.

In a year’s time I don’t want to be overweight and miserable. I don’t want to be snappy with my kids and push my wife away. I don’t want to  still be in the UK paying double on my mortgage and losing my freedom of movement just to rub salt in the wounds.

Consistently doing these activities gets me to where I want to be, so they are non-negotiable. I have to do them.

So I must address the one major problem I hear from people when they talk about changing their habits or lifestyle and working towards a goal. They tell me that they’re not motivated enough.

The problem with motivation is that it is a fleeting emotion. When it arrives it is fantastic. You’ll book the gym classes, write out a shopping list consisting of lots of fruit and veg, you’ll start to look at other job opportunities. Ones that will make you happy. You’ll call your friend or family member who you’ve been meaning to make contact with again. That’s what motivation can give you.

But what about when it isn’t there? If you haven’t answered your ‘why?’ and created a set of non-negotiables then you won’t get any closer to your happiness. You have to keep waiting for that glimmer of motivation that comes around now and again.

It is those cold, dark mornings when you get to the gym when you really don’t feel like it that edges you closer to a goal. It’s working through an online open university course on an evening when your friends have gone out for a few drinks that gets you out of your mundane work life rut. Motivation, on its own, won’t do that.

Take a moment to write down five things that you would like to achieve in the next 12 months. Next to each one, write the question ‘why?’ Honestly answer it. Dig deep and give your most honest answer, however hard it is to read it.

Then implement one thing that you will do to work towards each goal. It doesn’t have to be life changing, but whatever it is must become your consistent non-negotiable. You must do it when you say that you will.

From now until your 12 month goal you will sometimes find yourself without motivation, even demoralised. But keep your consistent approach.

Motivation is like a wind up toy. It’ll give you one big burst of energy or inspiration but eventually it stops. Consistency, albeit not a term that is as sexy or flashy, is the key to unlocking your future goals.

Shay is a Personal Trainer, CBT therapist, meditation guide and lifestyle blogger.

Nobody’s Mood Is Getting Me Down Today

Some days can be a drag. Perhaps the ups of a festival with lots of live music with thousands of people can leave the next day a bit of a come down. It’s a bank holiday but there’s lots to do. A business plan keeps popping up in my mind but I keep procrastinating. I’ve watched Darwin Nunez’s two goals from yesterday a hundred times and I’ve decided to write this blog. Important, but not as pressing as the business plan.

Or is it?

I’m writing down my thoughts of exactly how I’m feeling in the now. Kinda like a diary. Something that I have encouraged many of my clients to do. So maybe it is quite pressing. Except this diary is put out to the world for everyone to read. Still, if it resonates with just one person then I’m happy for this to be seen.

I had to go into my son’s bedroom today to intervene in a dispute on Fortnight. He was upset. This grumpiness is usually a sign of tiredness. We didn’t leave the festival until 11 last night and he hasn’t learnt the art of sleeping in on a bank holiday yet.

After giving advice about how to move forward regarding his dispute he still argued his point to me. Feeling like a Premiership referee with a footballer contesting his red card, I said,”Nobody’s mood is getting me down today.” With that I left his room.

I knew that I was tired and edgy myself first thing this morning. It’s nothing that a coffee wouldn’t solve, but telling my son, myself and what felt like the whole universe, “nobody’s mood is getting me down today,” helped me in developing today’s mantra. The aggressive driver, the rude person in the supermarket barging into the queue, any phone caller trying to piss on my parade or my own kid throwing a paddy over a computer game were not going to get me down today.

Eventually, I have now got my kids to come off of their screens and play a board game. Old skool playing. The game is called The Game Of Life. A classic 70’s game about trying to ‘win’ at life.

Perhaps defiantly stating to the world that nobody will get me down is a little win at life for myself. At least for today.

Power To The People!

A week without too many work appointments has given me time to think. I am, of course, in the middle of the school summer holidays and with a house to pack, but nevertheless, there are moments presented to me to think.

I think about my younger self quite a lot. Leigh, as I was called from birth, was an angry young man at times. By 18 I was a member of the Socialist Workers Party standing in the middle of Leeds City centre with my friends talking to the public about the injustices of society looking like an extra from Citizen Smith.

Along with a tattoo of Che Guevara on my arm, I dressed like I was ready for guerrilla warfare. And that is where my name Shay came from. My English friends would pronounce Che’s name with a Sh, instead of Ch. So they called me Shay.

I don’t regret my involvement with the SWP. They were well meaning people who were perplexed by the world around them. And I would never discourage anybody from being more active in politics. But it dragged me down. It had just turned 2002. World politics was very charged. I had to take a step back.

I used to think that I could change the world. But I soon found out that I couldn’t. Those who know me, however, know that they will hear my views on current affairs within ten minutes of meeting up with me. I don’t hide them.

I’ve always watched news programmes and read history books. I soon swapped The Beano for Alan Bullock’s Parallel Lives: Hitler And Stalin. I’d forfeit computer game nights with my mates for Question Time.

But I couldn’t just read or watch about the world we live in without forming strong opinions. Opinions that then made me want to change the way the world was.

It became increasingly frustrating for me when I began to realise that I couldn’t. Not in the way I wanted to. In the way I thought I should. I felt some responsibility for that.

It took me a long time to work out that the best way to change anything is to change my own attitude. I took control of who I hung around with, ridding myself of toxic people. I became incredibly choosy about the news outlets that I would observe. I would go for long walks when I felt anxious which then led to a love affair with the gym. I met and married a wonderful, caring person and now teach our children to be compassionate and kind human beings.

I’m not fighting the enemy in Bolivia. I’m not glueing myself to buildings. I’m not campaigning in the city centre streets. But I am trying to be the best version of myself that I possibly can. That’s all that I can ask of myself. I’ll always keep my principles close to me. They’re so close that you’ll see them worn on my sleeve. But I decided to pick my fights very carefully. That way, I stay in control of me. I have the power.

But if I can change myself, then I am in a much better place to make changes to the world around me. The people I am in contact with. The environment I am in. The future of those I love. And together we can make the world a brighter place.

Did you know that we release powerful hormones such as dopamine and serotonin when we smile or are smiled at?

Mother Theresa said that ‘Peace begins with a smile.’

Wouldn’t that be lovely? Perhaps giving yourself a smile in the mirror on a morning and telling yourself how fantastic you are will start that ripple effect. First on your family, then your work colleagues and even strangers in the street.

Now that’s changing the world.

I’ll leave you with a quote from the poet Rumi, who said, “Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise so I decided to change myself.”

Why You Should Own A Singing bowl

Before I was introduced to singing bowls or anything at all that represented meditation I was very sceptical about the benefits. Because of this, I feel that I’m in a pretty good place to encourage you in using a singing bowl.

After all, it is easier to convince a skeptic if you’ve been one yourself, right? Well, I think so.

It was no surprise to me that the Personal Trainers who had made body transformations and had made life changing acts themselves were the ones who were the most successful in recruiting new clients in the gym.

They had experienced both sides of the journey. They knew why people were failing in their fitness journey and they knew, going by their own experience, on how to put it right. No matter how good a PT is as a sales person, real life examples where a PT can give background to their story were always a winner.

So, back to the singing bowl. Sort of.

First of all I need to point out that I have always lived as an atheist or perhaps I’ve been also known to be called a humanist. I don’t believe in a god or the afterlife. Certainly not the afterlife that we have been taught by any religion that I know of.

The definition of humanism, according to Humanists UK, describes that ‘in the absence of an afterlife and any discernible purpose to the universe, human beings can act to give their own lives meaning by seeking happiness in this life and helping others to do the same.’

That said, then, how could I possibly entertain the possibility of owning a singing bowl? After all, didn’t they originate from Tibetan monasteries, owned by the monks? It certainly didn’t seem like something I could be enthusiastic about if it had a religious background. If I were to find happiness, I never felt that any religious practice would help my plight.

However, with further research into the singing bowl, I discovered that this isn’t the only reason why it is used. Other than the spiritually fuelled rituals that can be dated back 5,000 years in Mesopotamia, it also has a healing power that can be backed by science.

Ah! Science! Back in my comfort zone. Phew!

Researchers have discovered that, when filled with water, the vibrations of the singing bowl will lift and manipulate the water, causing droplets to dance across the surface in a choreographed way. Researchers found this by filming the process and slowing down the imagery.

Since humans are made up of around 70% water, it begins to make sense that these vibrations made by the bowl can manipulate the human body. The body can begin to harmonize with the bowl presenting opportunities for balance, healing and grounding.

Today’s western use of the singing bowl is often seen in yoga studios, where they can be used in yoga classes but also in sound baths, which is becoming increasingly popular as a form of sound healing along with gongs and chimes whilst meditating.

This isn’t just becoming more popular for adults. As you can see with my youngest child, Finlay, he is perfecting his technique with the singing bowl as he finds it a relaxing experience.

So, have I convinced you to own a singing bowl?

If so, it is important to do your research when purchasing one. Of course, as soon as they know that it is a profitable business, retailers are clambering all over each other to sell you any old tat that has no connection to their origins. They may be a little bit more expensive, but you will love the quality and sound of an authentic bowl hand made in Nepal from a reputable source for instance.

Best Face

I parked the car and sat in silence to what seemed an eternity, staring at the brick wall in front of me. I felt almost paralyzed. Stuck in a time warp.

Suddenly with a large gasp of breath my body moved. I blinked. I snapped out of the motionless loop.

I calmed my breath, picked up my phone to write this and felt a sudden release for the feelings that my head was able to pour out.

In half an hour, I am meant to walk into the gym for what will be one of the final times to conduct a PT session. It’ll be a great session. It has been planned and my client is always willing to do their very best. The gym is nice too. It has some lovely people to meet.

Half an hour. Hmm. I’d best tap down my words with ultra speed. I haven’t got long. My hand is shaking which isn’t helping. Thank goodness for auto correct. My vision is cloudy. I blink a few times and I stare at this screen. Other than my eyelids and a tapping thumb it feels like an eternity since I last moved. My back will scream at me once I do. Once I can.

Half an hour. I’d best put my best face on which, if I’m being totally honest, feels lost right now. Will I find it in the glove box? Maybe in the boot of the car? No. But if I dig deep enough into my soul I know that I will find it. 8 years a PT, three years at the front of house in a busy restaurant and many many years supporting vulnerable people means that I have become very good at finding it when I need to. People rely on me. I commit to times and appointments and I keep them. My kids. My wife. I find it all the time.

Come on best face. I know you’re in there.

If only this feeling of adrenaline in my belly would go, perhaps I would be able to operate better. We know it better as ‘butterflies’. It’s currently whooshing up into my head which isn’t making it easy to think. Damn butterflies.

The more I try to place logic onto my current mood, the more it frustrates me. Here I am, now fifteen minutes away from stepping out of my car, walking the same path and entering the same building that I have done for the past four and a bit years and yet I feel that if I were to attempt it now, right this very instant, my feet would not move.

15 minutes. No *checks clock*, 13.

Franz Kafka wrote,”I was ashamed of myself when I realized life was a costume party, and I attended with my real face.”

My best face is my costume. I realized that my real face wouldn’t sell PT and would put the diners off of their meals at the restaurant. The only people who would truly understand my real face are the vulnerable people who I supported. They were often misunderstood by society too. Maybe that is what made them vulnerable. It has nothing to do with their behaviours or abilities, it’s just that society doesn’t understand them so it labels them ‘vulnerable’.

Vulnerable to what? Social media? War? Corruption? Too fucking right. Then perhaps we can all empathize with this vulnerability.

5 minutes. I need to bring my breathing back to its normal pattern.

4 minutes. I look outside of the car window. This time out of the passenger side. At least it has people mulling about out there. A sign that the world is continuing outside of my car.

3 minutes. I need to wrap this up. I hate being late.

2 minutes. I hear my mantra. ‘I am in control. I am in control of my body and my mind.’ Repeat, repeat, repeat.

1 minute. I’ll promise to give the best version of myself today and smash it.

No minutes left. Best face.

Get Rid Of Doubt And Begin To Dream

I might not have millions of pounds, a yacht or a big house to pass on to my kids when I pass, but I do hope that I can teach them a few things.

One thing that I would like to achieve is for them to understand that doubt will only hold them back. Past mistakes can cripple future ambitions.

It’s easy to live in the past. And for the good and the bad, the past at least gives us a sense of comfort. Our brain will call upon previous experiences from our lives and it provides familiarity. The future, however, can be seen as a scary, uncertain time. We often choose not to go there or think about it too much. So, in an attempt to stay safe, we keep referring back to what we have lived before. Whether we like what we have lived before or not.

The problem though, is that you cannot become who you want to be because you are too attached to who you’ve been. And this can be a monkey on your back all through your adult life until it’s too late.

My kids might not appreciate the process of leaving their friends, school, home, town and country now, but I’m hoping that in the future they will thank me when they’re living in Portugal with the opportunities that can open up for them.

But, for now, they might feel a little bit of doubt. They know what they know. Even with the reassurance and promise of what me and their mum can give to them, it is still an unknown reality.

And adults do the same. Adults miss out on creating their own business or going for a new career opportunity because of the doubts that creep in. Adults miss out on friendship and finding love because they are scared of being rejected. Adults are becoming depressed about their health and lifestyle because they refuse to commit to positive change.

But not all adults. You’ll notice that the ones who are smiling and are happy within themselves have all removed the lingering doubts that stop them from living with a more positive outlook. They’ve stopped calling upon the previous negative experiences that they’ve had and instead invested in their future selves.

You can’t change what happened ten years ago, but you do have a say in what happens in ten years time.

I want to let my kids know that they will make mistakes, but it is how they can learn and move on which will enable them to have bright futures. If they dwell on their mistakes then that is where doubt will set in. They will be tethered to the past.

I have worked with thousands of people who initially came to me with help regarding their health, weight and aesthetics. And there isn’t a single client that has failed by planning their future. This could be by preparing meals for the week more carefully or planning gym visits and booking fitness classes. But we can go even further into our most inner needs and desires. Once we begin to focus on the person we would like to be, then it is so much easier to plan on being that person. And then, as a habit, continue to think about this person.

Let’s think of another daily habit that you might have. Say, putting the kettle on in the morning. The kettle takes two minutes to boil. This gives you two minutes to visualize your day, your week, your next five years of your life. Think of it as a trailer to the best movie ever with a fantastic cast and a great ending and you are the main character.

What would you look like? What friends and family would be around you? What activities would you be doing? What’s the plot? Where is it set?

My favourite time to do this visualisation is when I put the washing out. Some of my best made plans have come whilst pegging my undies to the washing line. Why? Because it is a mundane task that is usually done daily and I don’t have to cram in another habit within my already busy day. I have time to think. I can daydream. I have to put the washing out. Why not make it interesting and productive?

The movie I have created for my family has a happy ending but there are sad moments too. Just like any good story. But because I have planned this script so many times during putting out the washing or cleaning out the guinea pig hutch, I know how it ends. Therefore I have no doubt about it, I can live my happiest life.

What can you begin to focus on for your future? Start setting realistic targets, find a really boring job that needs doing almost daily and make your movie now!

‘I Am Strong’ Affirmation

My latest podcast deals with powerful affirmations to overcome difficult moments in your life and how you can unlock the code using your inner strength.

Just follow the link below!

Listen to the most recent episode of my podcast: ‘I Am Strong’ Affirmation https://anchor.fm/shay-durant-duckworth/episodes/I-Am-Strong-Affirmation-e269qof

Positive Outcomes

For the past eight years as a Personal Trainer and now more recently as a meditation guide and Cognitive Behavioural Therapist I have been asking people what they want from life/gym/work/relationships and I will often get a reply about what they don’t want.

It seems that we are fixated, or petrified, of what is going to or could go wrong. And maybe that is a natural response. It’s our defence mechanism. It enables us, we think, to deal with disappointment.

In my own personal experience at the moment, when I tell people about my move to Portugal, from the majority of people they will instantly say ‘but what about work?’ or what about this and what if that.

I understand their concerns. Every possible outcome has been observed by my wife and I. But the positive outcomes are the ones that we channel our energy into. In techniques such as meditation, quantum jumping, mantras and cleansing our spaces of negative energy through singing bowls we know that the vibrations that we are sending to the universe will provide positive outcomes.

I have spoken before about how the universe acts like a computer algorithm. It will respond to whatever we are focussed on.

Do you find that you start to get advertisements for your next holiday because you googled ‘cheap holiday deals’?

You might find that topics that you have researched on your phone recently will appear as ads on this blog.

The universe does the same.

So if I devote my time to the things that I want to happen in my life, the more likely it is going to happen.

The signals that I send into the universe will determine how I react to certain events in my life and the outcomes that will play out.

When you focus your energy on becoming fitter, eating healthier and setting gym goals you begin to feel better about yourself and you will start to see results much quicker.

If you focus your energy on losing your belly, banning chocolate and not planning your gym time then what you have done is send negative energy and you are more likely to feel negative from your experiences.

It is, of course, so much easier to channel this energy through meditation. A moment each day where you can type in all the positive good stuff into your computer and allow the algorithms to give you its feedback.

What I want you to do right now after you read this is to stop fearing what could go wrong and start welcoming what could go right.

Do it each day. You might be pleasantly surprised.

Something New

I have just launched my podcast channel which is found in the link below. Just like any great series, perhaps the first few episodes might come across as raw. Even Friends had a great big pillar in the way for the first series in Monica’s apartment!

So once I get over the nerves of talking and recording myself for everyone to hear I think I can nail it and make it a useful tool. Hope you enjoy!

Check out my podcast, NGU Guided Meditation , on Spotify for Podcasters: https://anchor.fm/shay-durant-duckworth