anxiety – Page 2 – Never Give Up PT

Chapter 5

Some books have chapters that are just a page or two long. Others can be twelve or more. But generally, with the more contemporary styles, we see chapters at around five pages. This advice is what many novice writers are given as a guide and it equates to about 5-6 thousand words.

I like that there are no set rules to the size of a chapter in a book. I’m not good with rules. Of course, I’m not a total anarchist. I follow most rules. I would, for example, respectfully follow the rule that I had to wear a gym shirt belonging to the commercial gym that I trained at even though I didn’t work for them. A silly rule, I thought, but I towed the line.

I stick to speed limits on the road, I pay my bills on time and I push the toothpaste out from the bottom of the tube. Ok. That last one is my wife’s rule and it’s an important one.

And then there’s the GNR. That is the name of the Portuguese police. If they pull you over in the car or stop you in the street you must have your documents on hand to prove that you are able to be in the country. They can be quite intimidating. Their uniform is much more military and their role isn’t the same as the police in the UK. You won’t see the GNR dancing at a street parade or being questioned by a youtuber calling themselves an ‘auditor’. If they want to see my documents, it is not the time for me to start questioning their rules. I know the punishment for questioning where I squeeze the tube of toothpaste from, I dread to think of what the consequences are for arguing with the GNR.

But if I were to write a book about my journey over the past year, I would make the chapters short, snappy and to the point. That would be my rule. The law, in fact. For example, if I were writing the chapter on my current situation, it would read something like…

“The builders came, renovated the guest house and left.”

There. Chapter done. Move on. Otherwise it becomes boring and tedious.

But this chapter is never ending, it seems. I’d like it to be over so that I can continue with my story. The novel ‘The Passenger’ has a chapter that weighs in at a mighty 62 pages. This arrives at chapter 5 in the book.

Maybe my life is a chapter 5. Sure, I feel like a passenger as I eagerly wait to begin renting out the guest house and promoting my fitness events. This anxiety compounded in the knowledge that I need to start making an income very soon. Chapter 5 has become extremely costly.

If this story continues similarly to the careful planning that was undertaken long before pen was put to paper, then I know that this chapter isn’t forever. It’s a means to an end. Every story must knit together to make any sense. Perhaps a lengthy chapter is often a middle bit that is necessary in creating the beginning, middle and the end. It is a summary of how the story began and the direction in which it will end. Therefore, my chapter 5 must be a vital component in the whole telling of the story.

But I’m becoming impatient.

My one rule break right now would be to create a story with one page chapters. At least to get to the exciting bits. I have so much to be grateful for and my blogs, had they acted as chapters of a book, kind of tell the story of my journey to my readers so far. But this chapter seems different. This is the part of the story that either makes or breaks the leading character.

Chapter 5 is a long road which has to be accepted as part of the journey (or story) for a complete ending to be written. Without chapter 5, we wouldn’t know the ending. So what’s the point in any journey (or story) if we can’t endure a chapter 5?

I have met many people on their own personal journeys who seem to call on me when they get to their very own chapter 5. They feel a bit stuck. Like, they know where they wanna be but can’t find a way out to the other side. And as I tell them, exactly as I tell myself, it is quite normal. Sometimes we all feel like a passenger when we want to be the one in control. Chapter 5, as long assed as it might be, leads only to a new chapter as long as we keep on reading. And we keep reading because we know the ending can be good. Not just good but life changing.

But being the main character feels different from the observer looking on. It’s like when we scream at the TV screen to the character being chased in a horror movie. We give them sensible, logical answers for the character to escape. But the character, in their emotional state, never thinks straight. Decisions solely based on emotion can sometimes lead to poor judgement. As Alfred Adler said, “Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.”

Now is a good time to remember that quote as I drudge through chapter 5.

If you feel like you’re stuck in chapter 5, ask yourself how you can develop your story for the next chapter. If you can create a positive narrative to it, the ending of your story could be a real page turner with a great ending. You’re the author. Chapter 5 doesn’t have to last forever.

How To Stay Committed To Your Fitness Goals (And Everything Else)

“The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man be perfected without trials.” Confucius.

It doesn’t matter what passions we develop in life, there will be moments when we lose our focus. At the moment I am learning a language. My day to day conversational speaking is becoming more advanced and my learning apps are telling me that I am ready for the next level, but I have recently hit a wall. Then I remembered my own advice. It’s what I tell my trainees.

Sometimes we need to rediscover the reasons why we wanted to take on a particular challenge in the first place.

In the past week or so I have become overawed by the task in hand. I felt daunted by the long, in-depth skills needed to speak to Portuguese builders, bank and VISA staff or my kid’s teachers. Imagine the robot or a computer with steam coming from it. That felt like my brain. It all became too much.

So I put on YouTube and literally typed in ‘basic greetings in Portuguese’. I watched short fun clips of people telling me how to say and pronounce ‘bom dia’ and slowly counting to 20 in Portuguese. I knew it. I knew it well. This is all the stuff I listened to in late 2022. It felt good.

Now let’s take a look at your fitness journey.

The timing of this post is not coincidental. Traditionally, the gym membership numbers go up in January and we see more runners in parks and on pavements during this time too. But by early March, in my experience, people are beginning to doubt themselves and the goals that they’ve set themselves.

The issue we have is that we tend to want everything now. I want to be fluent in Portuguese, we want to stream the latest movie or series, we want to turn on 24/7 news channels for the latest headlines, we want to order a convenience meal at the tap of a button, we want to post our holiday selfie the moment we take it and we want to lose body weight today. And because things don’t always happen instantly we become frustrated by the process.

But this isn’t advice just for the new year resolutioner. It doesn’t matter when you began your fitness journey. When the wall hits, it hits.

I spoke earlier about taking my language learning back to basics. I focussed on something that I knew that I could do. I simplified the process and made each session shorter. I made sure that I watched fun clips and not just somebody sitting at a desk with boring graphics. In a previous post I said that I am going to attempt to be a beginner every day. That is because I want to develop an attitude where nothing should be seen as ‘easy’. I learnt Portuguese numbers a long time ago, but it is only this morning that I mastered the finer details of how to say them. Knowing the words is one thing, but saying them in an accent that is understood is another.

When we have gone to the gym for a while it is normal to attempt a heavier lift or a longer, enduring set or session than the previous day. It is, after all, what we are told is progression. Anything else would be classed as failure or a waste of time. But as a personal trainer with hundreds of successful training programmes I can tell you that this is nonsense. Some of it anyway.

Almost every one of my training programmes has included periods of regression. And these don’t have to be written in blood. If a trainee is telling me that they have hit a wall, meaning either physical or mental fatigue, then I will factor in a period of regression straight away.

Regression isn’t designed to be ‘easy’. It still requires commitment, but it is different to the usual routine. In regards to a fitness goal, this could mean using more machines in the gym instead of free weights, going for a walk instead of lifting, running, or an intense fitness class. If you still choose to lift, you could work at a 50% weight of a one rep max instead of your programmed 80%. Or if you still want to join in the fitness class but choose to go at a less intense pace, then inform the instructor at the beginning. If they don’t understand the concept then they shouldn’t be instructing a fitness class.

Being committed to anything shouldn’t have to mean devoting every bit of your time and energy into it. This can create resentment. And I mean anything. Your partner, children, friends, work or your gym goals. Give something back to yourself now and again.

And when you do, you might find that you become a better partner, a better parent, a better friend, a better worker and a better trainer.

For now, my friends, bom dia.

I’m Just A Beginner

I will never truly know the forest, but I get the feeling as I walk through it, that it knows me already.

I aim to wander through this dream every morning. I call it a dream because it reminds me of a quote by Turkish novelist Memet Murat Ildan when he stated that “You can walk in a dream while you are awake. Just walk in the misty morning of a forest.”

And also before I have two cups of coffee I am hardly classed as awake, so one could argue that I am still slumbering through my morning walk.

I see something different with every walk. Most of the time I’m not even walking. I stop, listen, look up at the tallest pine trees and breath. The deeper into the forest I go I can lose my mind and find my soul.

But I am mindful that I am entering nature’s home. I bought the land but I am only a guest. I’ve already had snakes slither across my path with no harm to them or me. I’m sure I can come up with a similar understanding with the wild boars. It might seem naive, but I’m learning to become a part of my new environment.

I carry with me a long stick. I was advised by the locals in my Portuguese village that if I walk in the woods I should do so with a long stick. Apparently the wild boars, which come out at dusk and can charge if they feel threatened, make their dens in the forest. I don’t know what to do with the stick if I were to be confronted with a wild boar. Duolingo never taught me how to say “What the fuck do I do with this?” in Portuguese.

My aim is to wake up willing to be a beginner every single morning. Like I say, I will never truly know the forest. But if I enter it with the wide eyed care and attention that it deserves then I can make new discoveries each day.

I’m just a beginner at everything. Even stuff I’m qualified in. I’m a personal trainer but every visit to the gym is another chance to learn. I can’t possibly know it all.

At the moment the forest is my gym. Another day to grow, learn and become a part of something special.

Remember This Going Into Your New Year…

Wow. Some year huh?!

I hope that this year has been a prosperous one for you. I hope that, whatever you set out to do at the beginning of this year, you have succeeded or are on the right path in reaching it.

But it is important to know that whatever you want to achieve in this coming year, it is done for you. Nobody else.

Sure, you’ll get support from the ones who you can put your trust in. You know the ones. They proved before that they will pick you up when you’re down and go out of their way to help you out.

But then you will come across those who place expectations upon you and sneer at your downfalls or shortcomings. You will never please these people so you don’t even need to concern yourself in trying to. For these people, you just need to limit your time around them. Don’t hate them. Don’t become them.

I came across a quote the other day and it made a lot of sense to me but, forgive me, I’ve tried to find the owner of this quote but I don’t know who it is. Maybe you do? It says…

“No matter how good you are, people will judge you according to their mood and needs.”

Not all people. As I say, you know the ones. But you’ll get a little alarm bell that sounds in your head when you speak to someone who will.

It might be a snigger as you tell them about your fitness goal or a mocking shake of the head as you express yourself about a lost relationship or job opportunity.

You know the face they pull, right? The ‘how did you ever think you could date that person?’ look.

Maybe their needs and mood could be helped by your supportive attention, but it’s not your job. Just make sure that you protect you first of all. You can’t help anybody if you aren’t protecting yourself first of all.

So let’s start thinking about what you want to achieve in 2024. Think big. But remember that some people won’t want you to get there, no matter how good you become at striving for it.

Leaving The Comfort Zone

Since Jonas was five he has played football for Scarborough Athletic. He was only able to train with the under 7’s team as he was too young, but once the new season started, he was able to play official matches.

Now ten, he has a new challenge coming up. Soon he will begin training with his new team, Sertanense, a club based in Sertá, central Portugal, ready for the new season in September.

Both Jonas and his younger brother Finlay will be starting a new school in Portugal in the new year and this is the biggest challenge of all seeing as it will include learning a new language (it is a local school and not an international school). It also means that they’ll not be with us every hour of every day which has been the case for the past few months as we made the permanent move.

Things are happening quickly for them. Lou and I don’t know how they will react on the morning of the 3rd of January when we take them to their new school. So far, when we talk about it, the signs are good. But to them it’s still Christmas. January might seem a distance yet. In reality it is a week today as I write this.

Finlay seems to want to take up a martial art as his extra curricular activity. He plays football, but it seems a bit more forced because he just joins in what Jonas is doing. But he doesn’t seem to have that passion for it. He doesn’t like watching it, whereas Jonas will analyse a period of play and talk about positioning during a game on TV. I’ve had play fights with Finlay. I think Karate or Judo will be a good choice for him. He’ll be a black belt in no time.

I’m trying not to transfer my fears onto the boys. What I mean by that is maybe I’m more scared than they are. They might just walk into school without any issues. Jonas might run onto the training pitch with 20 other kids with no problems. Maybe it’s me who has the nerves.

I hated new beginnings. The start of a new school term and definitely a new school still makes me shudder. And I never really pursued any extra curricular stuff as a kid because it meant meeting new people. I just stayed in the safe zone as much as possible.

But there’s a little bit of our move which is exactly for this purpose. We wanted to take ourselves and our kids out of the safe zone. A couple of years ago I never expected to be speaking Portuguese to a postal worker in a sorting office with no knowledge of English about my missing post. But I did that today. It’s a little achievement, but a massive confidence boost that he actually understood me.

I’ve been driving along cliff edges on an unfamiliar side of the road in rural Portugal. We bought an old farm house that we intend to make into a well being centre and guest house. Individually, each one of us has a zone which becomes out of their comfort. Mine might not seem like much to some people, but I’m enjoying finding my zone and continuing to challenge it.

And that’s the ultimate goal for my kids. That they can feel the discomfort in walking into a new class room, karate group or football pitch, thrive and grow from it and enjoy their achievements. Overcoming new and different experiences can make us more rounded, happier people.

I always told my new clients this whenever they felt like entering the gym became too much for them. Gyms can be an intimidating place. That’s why just stepping into the gym as a new member is the first goal. Not a deadlift or 20 minute treadmill run, but just entering the gym. From then on, with consistency, each visit gets easier to do.

Perhaps you have a new challenge that you want to focus on in the new year? My advice is to take that first step. It might mean leaving your comfort zone, but it’ll feel all the more sweeter when you overcome it.

I’ll keep you informed on mine and my family’s achievements in the coming weeks. Be sure to tell me yours.

And She Stopped…

I often find the answers in the most unlikely of places. Well, unlikely to some. But for me, standing by the sea and observing the waves gently ebb in and out or in a forest as the dappled sun light dances through the branches, that’s when I am thinking clearly. Perhaps you have a favourite place where you feel inspired and where you can figure out a little puzzle that’s been on your mind.

Poet Becky Hemsley wrote…

“And she stopped…and she heard what the trees said to her. And she sat there for hours not wanting to leave. For the forest said nothing, it just let her breathe.”

As I gaze at the stars on an evening, miles away from traffic and humans other than my sleeping family, the silence is deafening. It is so profound that it takes on its own quality. A quality that is very difficult to convey.

So I just breathe. In that moment, I don’t need to do anything else.

My work includes instructing people on how to breathe. A strange job, right? After all, we breathe from birth. How can I teach that? Not that I have ever thought of it like that until now. As a fitness instructor, I need to teach a breathing pattern for a client to be able to perform an exercise correctly. This can take weeks or months to perfect. Even then, the professionals still need a reminder now and again.

And in a meditation therapy session the breathing techniques can be the most important aspect. It’s how we tune in and connect with our body.

But taking a moment to realise your breathing isn’t exclusive to these activities. Just five minutes in a quiet environment can help, but finding your favourite place, your ‘happy place’ and spending quality time there can be a game changer. Sometimes, you don’t even need to be there in person.

Have a think about where your favourite places are. Imagine being there now. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and put yourself there.

Sometimes you just need to stop and listen to the trees.

Heroes

As a child I would watch my sporting heroes who would inspire me and enable me to dream of one day following them in their achievements.

Just to name a few, sportspeople like Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascoigne, Jimmy ‘The Whirlwind’ White and Andre Agassi excited me as they performed in their professional sport. They excited me because, although they were never considered the very best, they had an abundance of character to compete with those who were. A part of their edge is perhaps also down to the fact that they have each had their own mental health struggles.

And it appeared to me as I watched a recent Netflix documentary about Robbie Williams that most of the ‘famous’ people that I like or admire have mental health problems.

For some reason I’ve always followed William’s career. I don’t even like his type of music. But I could see, from afar, that he was desperately unhappy. The cheeky chappy who always wanted to play the clown and say something controversial, act differently and seem to go out of his way to be disliked. That was me as a teenager and young man. And seeing as we’re of similar age, he connected with me.

Similarly with Gazza. As a young footballer I wanted to be him. I watched World Cup Italia ’90 as a 12 year old in absolute awe of what Gazza could do with a football. I’m sure many kids did. He played for Spurs, I supported Liverpool and my mates supported Manchester United or Leeds. But it didn’t matter. That summer, we all had Gazza T-shirts on under our England shell suits.

None of my idols admitted to any sort of mental health issues, though. Yes, there had been drugs and alcohol issues, getting into trouble with the law and well documented domestic issues, but they never actually came out and said ‘I am depressed’ or ‘I need help’. Certainly not publicly.

This week, England and Saracens rugby captain Owen Farrell has made a statement saying that ‘in order to prioritise his and his family’s wellbeing’, he will be taking a break from International duties. This coming from a man who has lived and breathed the sport in an extremely masculine environment is highly commendable. Yes, winning World Cups and Six Nations trophies are important. They train incredibly hard for that moment. But it is not as important as an individual or their family’s mental health. Being an elite athlete is about recognising that. He did and he has acted on it.

Another of my idols, albeit a bit before my time, is Bill Shankly. He once said, “Some people believe that football is a matter of life and death. I am very disappointed with that. I can assure you it is much more important than that.”

With the world that we live in I am sure many people will qualify in justifiably being able to disagree with him. Sport is sport. Life is life. However, as a coach myself I can understand exactly what he means. During a training session of mine or a client’s, I expect that to be the only thing that matters in that moment. Whatever is going on outside of the gym must be parked there. That is how we achieve fitness results and how elite sportspeople achieve medals and trophies. But inevitably we have a life away from that, even the professionals who are making a living from their sport. They have families. They have feelings. They are fallible. No matter what their earnings are, where they live or what car they drive, mental health does not care. It can take a hold of anybody.

Perhaps mental health is, at last, being talked about much more openly than it used to be. I knew, even as a kid, that these sportspeople that I idolised were different from their counterparts. Their behaviours didn’t always fit the acceptable requirements of their team, professional body that they represented or the media. But did they even know that they had mental health concerns? Even if they did, what options did they have?

The UK in the 80’s and 90’s was a very different place to be an upcoming sports superstar to what it is now. For the likes of Gazza, he had to perform in front of terraces known for chanting fans abusing the footballers for anything they could. Any sort of ‘weakness’ or admittance to needing help would have been disastrous for him and his career. And this baying mob mentality was led by the written press at the time. They loved his antics, but I often wondered if they were laughing with him or at him.

In my opinion, social media has nothing on the British tabloids of the 90’s. Social media has, for every bad, a cause for good too. The tabloids, however, could ruin you in an instant if you didn’t stick to its narrative. It’s hard to imagine a rugby player talking about mental health back then. So, though saddening to hear that Owen Farrell feels that he needs to step down from his England duties, it is encouraging to know that he can without being abused for it. At least from the majority of us decent folk.

Heroes aren’t just the ones who lift the trophy at the end of a game.

The Day Will Wait

As I was getting the kids ready for school this morning I, as always, ran around like a headless chicken from room to room collecting PE kits, lunch boxes etc but there’s an added load of stress at the moment.

Every room is full of half packed boxes awaiting our house move. Going from one room to another is like an episode of Ninja Warrior as I jump, skip and trip my way to the front door with my two kids under each arm ready to throw into the car.

And I’m sure, as I come back home after school drop off, the boxes at home have been breeding. They’ve multiplied. The task looks even more intimidating by the hour. Indeed, time is of the essence. But…

But I stopped looking.

I stopped looking and I lay on the sofa and closed my eyes. I began to recognise my breathing. Witnessing every intake of breath and appreciating the way my chest and stomach expands as I breath in deeply.

And slowly exhale.

The belly softens. My shoulders drop. My body relaxes.

For the sake of ten minutes, listening to my body, allowing my mind to stop, reflect and contemplate, I enabled myself to reconnect to the day.

The day will wait. I will get stuff done when I’m ready. I’ll finish this text, post it onto my site, put my phone down and get the day done as it was meant to be done.

In That Moment

I wonder if any of my readers might know the author of this quote…

“It is better to have done something imperfectly than done nothing flawlessly.”

I like it. And in my attempts to find the author I came across another quote not dissimilar by John Steinbeck…

“And now you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”

What is wrong with imperfections? What is wrong with good? Or sometimes even adequate?

Blimey! If I could leave the gym feeling that I had done an adequate workout for most of my visits then I would have been making excellent progress!

But perfection? Even if I attempted to aim for that then I know that I would be disappointed. Disappointment leaves us demoralised. Being demoralised means that we give up. When we give up, we achieve nothing.

I have begun to embrace my imperfections. Maybe it’s an age thing, I dunno. I aim to do a ‘good’ job at everything I do. I have sometimes got anxious about not getting it spot on and it leaves me feeling rubbish. Inadequate. But when I aim for ‘good’, there’s a weight of responsibility lifted from my shoulders. It’s almost as if I can just begin to enjoy the task in hand rather than pretend to be super human.

I do my best at that moment in time.

And this helps me to understand other people’s efforts too. I used to get frustrated when my son could play a ‘player of the match’ performance one week and the next he didn’t turn up. This, as I now realise, can be for a whole number of reasons. Just like a client in a training session. We will not always achieve a personal best, a player of the match performance, score a worldy or be at our optimum 24/7. We are not robots.

But what I appreciate about my kids, employees, clients and of myself is that we just turn up and give it a go. To do our best in that moment.

Sometimes we feel like crap, right? We’re not always on tip top form. But it would be better to have done something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.

Have a think about that the next time you’ve got a job or a task that you face. Just do it and do your best

That

Moment

The Volume Goes To 9

For years (as long as I can remember in fact), I was unable to put the volume of the TV or the car to an odd number. This branched out into oven settings, reading until I reached an even number and other stuff which I had control over. I even set my clients sets of 6,8,10,12 reps. Rarely would I stop a set that I was performing myself at 11, for example.

It’s not through superstition, which is just as well. My eldest was born in 2013 on Friday the 13th. He’s called Jonas. A little shuffle of the words spells Jason! Luckily, Jonas hasn’t asked for a hockey mask yet.

Anyway, back to my odd, odd number thingy. Apparently, this is called imparnumerophobia and it is common.

It has never taken over my life or anything. In fact, it’s something that my wife and I would joke about. She would turn the volume up on a song that she likes in the car and if it went to 9, I would discreetly alter it with the volume on the steering wheel. 10 if I liked it too, 8 if I didn’t.

But, strangely, I’ve been able to control this anxiety recently. My head is in a space that I’ve never known before. Serene. Zen. Of course I am still capable of emotion, feeling fear and sadness. But my journey this year has toughened me up. Every day mine and my family’s future is awaiting further information. So many questions unanswered. When the phone rings this whizz popping in my belly happens. Is it the estate agents? Is it the solicitors? Is it good news or bad?

These butterflies are my adrenal glands. Survival mode kicks in.

But I can point to other periods of my life where I’ve had to develop strength that I didn’t know that I had. Periods where my adrenaline took over.

Starting a new job. Asking my (now) wife to marry me. Opening the doors for the very first time to a new family business. Performing my very first fitness class. Visiting my mum in St Gemma’s. Going to her funeral.

They all required me to say to myself “You’ve got this, Shay, you’re strong.”

And people think I am. Some people might see me as being quite hard, in control, calm. And in truth I try to be the swan. Folk don’t see the feet paddling like f*** below the surface.

A subtle sign, perhaps, would have been the imparnumerophobia. But it’s not something anyone can really detect. It goes unnoticed unless I announce it.

But where’s this little quirk gone? Am I cured? I mean, not that it was an illness, but it did alert me to my anxieties which, in turn, caused more anxiety. Has my skin developed such thickness that I can now laugh in the face of number 7,9,11? Or even 13?!

Maybe not quite so much.

Sure, I can keep the volume on 9 without it really freaking me out, but every day I need to keep saying to myself “You’ve got this Shay.”

So maybe I’m just keeping it all at bay. After all, there won’t be time for cocktails by the pool once I reach Portugal. I’ll need to keep this strength and go again to make the move work.

“Deep breaths Shay, and count to 9.”