Category Archives: empowering

Get Rid Of Doubt And Begin To Dream

I might not have millions of pounds, a yacht or a big house to pass on to my kids when I pass, but I do hope that I can teach them a few things.

One thing that I would like to achieve is for them to understand that doubt will only hold them back. Past mistakes can cripple future ambitions.

It’s easy to live in the past. And for the good and the bad, the past at least gives us a sense of comfort. Our brain will call upon previous experiences from our lives and it provides familiarity. The future, however, can be seen as a scary, uncertain time. We often choose not to go there or think about it too much. So, in an attempt to stay safe, we keep referring back to what we have lived before. Whether we like what we have lived before or not.

The problem though, is that you cannot become who you want to be because you are too attached to who you’ve been. And this can be a monkey on your back all through your adult life until it’s too late.

My kids might not appreciate the process of leaving their friends, school, home, town and country now, but I’m hoping that in the future they will thank me when they’re living in Portugal with the opportunities that can open up for them.

But, for now, they might feel a little bit of doubt. They know what they know. Even with the reassurance and promise of what me and their mum can give to them, it is still an unknown reality.

And adults do the same. Adults miss out on creating their own business or going for a new career opportunity because of the doubts that creep in. Adults miss out on friendship and finding love because they are scared of being rejected. Adults are becoming depressed about their health and lifestyle because they refuse to commit to positive change.

But not all adults. You’ll notice that the ones who are smiling and are happy within themselves have all removed the lingering doubts that stop them from living with a more positive outlook. They’ve stopped calling upon the previous negative experiences that they’ve had and instead invested in their future selves.

You can’t change what happened ten years ago, but you do have a say in what happens in ten years time.

I want to let my kids know that they will make mistakes, but it is how they can learn and move on which will enable them to have bright futures. If they dwell on their mistakes then that is where doubt will set in. They will be tethered to the past.

I have worked with thousands of people who initially came to me with help regarding their health, weight and aesthetics. And there isn’t a single client that has failed by planning their future. This could be by preparing meals for the week more carefully or planning gym visits and booking fitness classes. But we can go even further into our most inner needs and desires. Once we begin to focus on the person we would like to be, then it is so much easier to plan on being that person. And then, as a habit, continue to think about this person.

Let’s think of another daily habit that you might have. Say, putting the kettle on in the morning. The kettle takes two minutes to boil. This gives you two minutes to visualize your day, your week, your next five years of your life. Think of it as a trailer to the best movie ever with a fantastic cast and a great ending and you are the main character.

What would you look like? What friends and family would be around you? What activities would you be doing? What’s the plot? Where is it set?

My favourite time to do this visualisation is when I put the washing out. Some of my best made plans have come whilst pegging my undies to the washing line. Why? Because it is a mundane task that is usually done daily and I don’t have to cram in another habit within my already busy day. I have time to think. I can daydream. I have to put the washing out. Why not make it interesting and productive?

The movie I have created for my family has a happy ending but there are sad moments too. Just like any good story. But because I have planned this script so many times during putting out the washing or cleaning out the guinea pig hutch, I know how it ends. Therefore I have no doubt about it, I can live my happiest life.

What can you begin to focus on for your future? Start setting realistic targets, find a really boring job that needs doing almost daily and make your movie now!

One Last Time

For one last time in a Scarborough Athletic FC shirt…

We would all like to see…

Their under 9’s number 6…

Bring the Corus Cup home.

Last year’s Corus Cup was eventful and it ended up with Jonas lifting a football trophy for the very first time. Next week will see him play his very last game for Scarborough Athletic FC and I hope I can post a picture similar to the one above.

The Deranged Clown

When I first started out as a PT I had absolutely no idea how I would execute my business. I wanted to be full time, that I was sure of. There are many PTs who go into PT as a side job to subsidise a full time income or as a hobby. But I wanted to jump straight in and give my clients my full attention. And from day one I encouraged my clients to call or message me at any time if they needed me. I never saw my one hour session a week as an ‘hourly rate’. It was more of a package. I was their PT 24/7, not just for that hour in the gym.

And I did get the odd midnight phone call and the messaging back and forth at unsociable hours, but that’s what I wanted. If that’s what my client needed at that time, then that’s what I wanted.

Your job doesn’t stop when you leave the gym. In fact, if you are developing training plans, replying back to messages and working on building your business, then the hard work starts after your sessions. I learnt that the hard way after a couple of years. Clients dropped off, I had no other income. I needed to become much more business savvy as a PT. I needed to be better at client retention. If times of the year were difficult to get new clients such as the summer, then I had to take good care of the ones that I had if I were to keep them.

If you go straight into a commercial gym after PT school, you’ll need to earn your credibility and stand out among the other PTs.

There were 14 other PTs at my first gym in Leeds. Although it was a busy gym it was difficult to get new clients because of this. I had to find a niche. Something that could make me stand out. What stood out was accidental to begin with, but then I made it a trademark…

To mask my nerves during my first few fitness classes, I became overly enthusiastic in my routines. I would bounce about, run around the studio, shout what would become familiar catchphrases and wouldn’t stop until the participants (and myself) were laid out on the floor in a pool of sweat. But I added comedy value too. I didn’t take myself seriously. I told crap jokes and had fun with it.

What started out as anxiety and adrenaline became a successful character in the gym. Most of my 1-1 clients started from doing fitness classes with me because they ‘wanted someone who would push them’ and ‘who had fun and energy’.

Don’t forget, I was trying to earn my stripes against PTs who were more experienced, were younger, were athletes, models and bodybuilders in their spare time. I was a 30 something year old, balding dad of two. I looked physically fit but I also looked ‘normal’. Along with acting like a deranged clown in my classes, I became appealing to a certain demographic.

I left a busy commercial gym near the centre of a major city in England to a much quieter gym just outside a seaside town. I knew early on that my style of fitness class wouldn’t catch on. The Deranged Clown would not fit in here. There was no way I could recreate the ‘theatre’ of my previous gym. And so I had to change direction. The jokes stayed, that’s just my personality , but I had to tone down the act.

Due to the closure of gyms during the pandemic, I will never truly know if my new direction worked. Gyms, PTs and how we approach fitness in general had to reinvent itself after lockdown. Not just me. But, although my enthusiasm for coaching has never waned, my enthusiasm for reinvention has. Perhaps lockdown was a final straw for me regarding commercial gyms.

And now my future still involves PT and coaching, but it will be very different again and it won’t be my only source of income. In fact I’ll have to wear many different caps if I am to pull off my next venture successfully.

My biggest piece of advice to a new PT trying to make it in a commercial gym would be to find your niche. If you enjoy calisthenics then talk about it to everyone who comes through the door. Or if training for marathons or tough mudder events is your thing, make sure that everyone knows that you’re the go to trainer for them. Be yourself. Yes, I am a deranged clown. I find it difficult to be serious and I find humour in most things. It wasn’t actually an act. Only yesterday I was on a field with 40 six year old kids teaching them how to Gangnam Style. I didn’t care what the other coaches or parents thought I was doing. The kids loved it!

And my other bit of advice is to realise that you won’t be able to stay in the comfort zone of a commercial gym forever. Not to make it a decent income long term anyway. Whether you set your own studio up, go online, coach children in schools or move to Portugal and set up a glamping site with an assault course, you will need to evolve eventually.

Yours faithfully,

The Deranged Clown.

Gym Or No Gym

When I think of being in the gym it reminds me of a happy place. It is where I have met friends, where I found my dream job as a PT and, quite frankly , where I found myself as a person. The gym helped mould me into becoming a more determined and disciplined person.

It has also been a place where I can forget my troubles for an hour or two or, in many cases, solved my troubles by talking to others. Indeed, I have heard many things being thrashed out in between sets of deadlifts from other members such as relationship troubles, work issues, politics, their team’s results from the weekend and health worries. All passionately expressed as much as the huff and puff of their heavy lift.

And of course as a person who is there quite a lot and who everyone knows, I seem to be the go-to person when it comes to news and gossip. I know where everyone goes on holiday. I know who has recently died. I know of everyone’s upcoming operations and I know what everyone eats each mealtime. Football is always a hot topic in the gym too, so whether it be Manchester City or The Nags Head, I know every score of every team in the country.

I love it, but that’s me. I don’t expect everyone to get this feeling when they enter the gym. In fact I know for some people it fills them with dread. And in this article I’m aiming to reach out to those who either don’t feel that they have the time to get to the gym, can’t afford a gym membership or just hate going.

This month I paid my final PT rent installment to the gym which means that in a few weeks time I won’t be associated with a gym, either as a member or a trainer, for the first time in 25 years. That thought would’ve scared me not so long ago. It’s played such a huge part of my life to the point that, during a time where I felt lost and without direction as a young man, the gym saved me. But my future plan doesn’t involve a gym. Not a commercial gym anyway. I’ll be creating my own space on my own property in Portugal. It won’t have the mod cons. I’ll be going back to basics.

In the coming months my wife and I will be developing a YouTube channel entitled The Road To Tranquility where it will document our lives creating our luxury wellbeing camping experience in Portugal. A part of our visitors experience will involve massage, yoga, meditation and personal training.

Whatever I create for my visitors will be what I have to work with too. I doubt the area or the funds will allow for treadmills, rowing machines, cables and attachments or a deadlifting platform. I’ll have to be inventive with a bench, a selection of dumbbell and kettlebell weights and a battle rope.

And this leads me onto my point of the article. You can absolutely develop a very successful workout routine at home, in the garden, in the park or just about anywhere you can find a bit of space. Also, you don’t even need weights. Body weight workouts are perfectly fine routines for most goals. But if, like me, you enjoy working with resistance and wish to maintain and increase your strength, then the ‘middle of Lidl’ will often sell relatively cheap weights, resistance bands and other useful equipment. Other places I’ve found to be handy for exercise equipment is TK-Max and online selling platforms such as Facebook market and eBay. It’s amazing what people are trying to sell since they no longer need it after lockdown!

I have said to many gym goers (to the despair of the gym manager) that exercise does not need to be restricted to the gym. And if you don’t enjoy formal exercise I would recommend taking up a new sport, joining a running group, taking up dance classes or just going for walks. The purpose here is to adopt a healthy lifestyle and remain motivated in reaching physical and mental health goals.

I’ll miss the gym banter, but my journey will still enable me to meet new and interesting people while achieving my fitness goals. Think about your own journey. Tailor it to meet your needs. Gym or no gym, you can become the healthier version of you.

The Birthday Party, Camping In The Garden, A Wedding Anniversary, Oh…And A Broken Chain.

Apologies for not being present on my blog site for a week or two. I do keep a check on comments and such from my readers but I simply haven’t found the time to write.

As the title suggests, it’s been a busy period with many great events such as my youngest turning seven. This included pizza and cake on his actual birthday and then a bowling party with lots of fried party food a couple of days later.

And then my wife and I celebrated our wedding anniversary of 14 years. We seem to grow stronger as we continue our journey together and, along with our two boys, we make a great team. Just as well then, seeing as this current journey has the ability to hit a bit of turbulence. But I’ll get to that shortly.

To celebrate our anniversary and knowing that we wouldn’t be getting any childcare to have our own grown up celebration, we decided to put the big three bedroom tent up in our garden for an adventure. The kids loved it as we ate yet more pizza and kebab in the tent from the takeaway, told eerie camping stories and then slept in it through the night. My wife and I managed a bottle of fizz (or two) as the kids got to sleep first.

So the last couple of weeks have been eventful and, although there have been lots of celebratory reasons to enjoy less nutritional food and drink, there has also been an element of comfort eating. This brings me back to the turbulence.

Regular readers will know that we accepted an offer on our house in the UK and are set to leave for Portugal in the coming months. However, a few days ago we found out that the buyers of a house further down the sale chain had pulled out of their deal. The buyers of our house remain in a good position to still purchase our house though so we are hoping that the chain can be ‘repaired’ quickly and we can continue without too much time lost.

But the stress and anxiety of the waiting and chasing up phone calls to estate agents and solicitors has been telling. We’re also awaiting further news of our VISA application.

And I must admit. I have taken my eye off of my usual nutritious diet and allowed more processed foods in. Not having the motivation to prepare big meals or the inclination to choose a healthy snack over the smokey bacon crisps (I don’t even like smokey bacon crisps) has been apparent in my recent mood.

This would have added further anxiety to my life before I began studying for my Personal Training qualifications and understanding how we behave the way we do and how we react to certain events in our lives. Losing track of my discipline would have made me believe that I was failing in some way.

I used to look at myself in the mirror after a workout and feel like Jason Statham. I’d leave the gym feeling good about myself. But if I looked at myself after eating a bag of crisps I would feel disappointed and useless.

But now? I reflect almost daily on what I can improve on in my life. I ask myself, did I really need those crisps? How did my workout make me feel? Did I treat my wife and kids with the love and respect they deserve today? What one thing could improve my wellbeing tomorrow? If I answer honestly, I usually find a solution in which I can begin to map out a better pathway. It all becomes a little clearer.

I can always do better, but if I call my recent over reliance on certain foods a failure then I am missing out on a massive opportunity to learn. Mistakes, blips or regrets are simply tools to teach ourselves something different.

I’ll eat crisps again, for sure, even smokey bacon. But from tomorrow, it’ll be back on my terms. It won’t be for comfort or for convenience.

Next week will undoubtedly be another eventful one. One which will be entered with plenty of optimism. One without turbulence. One with positive results.

One with lots of spinach smoothies.

Positive Outcomes

For the past eight years as a Personal Trainer and now more recently as a meditation guide and Cognitive Behavioural Therapist I have been asking people what they want from life/gym/work/relationships and I will often get a reply about what they don’t want.

It seems that we are fixated, or petrified, of what is going to or could go wrong. And maybe that is a natural response. It’s our defence mechanism. It enables us, we think, to deal with disappointment.

In my own personal experience at the moment, when I tell people about my move to Portugal, from the majority of people they will instantly say ‘but what about work?’ or what about this and what if that.

I understand their concerns. Every possible outcome has been observed by my wife and I. But the positive outcomes are the ones that we channel our energy into. In techniques such as meditation, quantum jumping, mantras and cleansing our spaces of negative energy through singing bowls we know that the vibrations that we are sending to the universe will provide positive outcomes.

I have spoken before about how the universe acts like a computer algorithm. It will respond to whatever we are focussed on.

Do you find that you start to get advertisements for your next holiday because you googled ‘cheap holiday deals’?

You might find that topics that you have researched on your phone recently will appear as ads on this blog.

The universe does the same.

So if I devote my time to the things that I want to happen in my life, the more likely it is going to happen.

The signals that I send into the universe will determine how I react to certain events in my life and the outcomes that will play out.

When you focus your energy on becoming fitter, eating healthier and setting gym goals you begin to feel better about yourself and you will start to see results much quicker.

If you focus your energy on losing your belly, banning chocolate and not planning your gym time then what you have done is send negative energy and you are more likely to feel negative from your experiences.

It is, of course, so much easier to channel this energy through meditation. A moment each day where you can type in all the positive good stuff into your computer and allow the algorithms to give you its feedback.

What I want you to do right now after you read this is to stop fearing what could go wrong and start welcoming what could go right.

Do it each day. You might be pleasantly surprised.

Number 6

‘Despite being nervous about moving up to play against the older kids, Jonas scored six goals in half an hour of his first game against the under 10s. You just don’t see anything like that.’

Jonas’ football coach gave him a fantastic send off during Scarborough Athletic’s grass roots presentation evening. It brought my wife to tears and I had a lump in my throat.

His impact at the club has been enormous. He broke records such as being the youngest ever player (he was signed to the under 7’s when he was 5) and his coach announced that he will be requesting that the number 6 jersey be retired in honour of the mark that Jonas has left.

The ‘football dad’ gets a bit of bad press. Pushy, yelling from the sideline and hoping that one day their kid will be earning millions playing in the Premier League.

And yet I don’t think I’ve been pushy. I’ve encouraged my kids to attend the extra curricular activities that they committed to but never demanded that they go if they didn’t want to. And for Jonas with football it’s been a bit like that. Despite his love for the game and his obvious talent, he has often made excuses not to go to training. But training twice a week and playing a game on Sundays since he was 5 must be quite tiring, even for the most willing of kids.

Scarborough Athletic are a very well run club. On day one the parents were told that it’s about their kids enjoying football and that the referees and coaches are volunteers. Yelling at them from the sidelines would not be tolerated. And although I’ve occasionally given encouragement and cheered a last minute winner, I’ve tried to keep quiet and not interfere with their game.

And I know the statistics when it comes to kids making it professional. I’ve seen some great talent in the hundreds of games that I’ve watched but I’ve probably not seen any kid that will become a full time professional. So I have to handle my kids’ dreams sensitively. Always dream big, yes, but success shouldn’t be defined by how much money you make, how big your car is or how many followers you have on Facebook.

Apart from a tournament that Jonas will hopefully be able to attend, that is it regarding his Scarborough Athletic journey. A club that has given him so many opportunities and valuable lessons in his short time of becoming a footballer. For that, we’ll be forever grateful.

Roots

There are moments when I worry about putting down roots for myself and my family.

I do, however, give myself a little talking to and realise that ‘putting down roots’ can mean so many different things.

I suppose the most common way of defining the phrase is to have ‘a settled life in a particular place.’ That’s the Oxford Languages definition on Google, anyway.

And it is this description that, until I give my head a wobble, is what concerns me.

I have no affinity to where I was born, grew up or any place that I have lived. I don’t call myself a Yorkshireman and I’d prefer to be known as an Earthling than English or British.

It’s not that I dislike any particular place. I just don’t connect with it. I don’t support Leeds Utd because I was born within walking distance of Elland Road and I don’t wave the St George flag when it’s a World Cup.

And when I move to Portugal, as much as I will respect their laws and traditions, you won’t find me running through the streets in Santarem with the bulls or singing A Portuguesa at the top of my voice waving the Bandera Verde-Rubra.

Indeed, as beautiful as Portugal is, I cannot say for sure if it will be the country I will grow old and die in. One of the reasons that I crave my freedom of movement back is so that I can explore more of the continent. My new blue passport represents chains around my ankles, not freedom.

So what, then, does my rational mind interpret ‘putting down roots’ to be?

My roots are a state of mind. It is not a tangible, physical place. My roots are the principles that I live by and pass on to my children. My roots are what will determine how far my branches can reach and explore. But you cannot see my roots. And if we look at the roots of a tree, it is said that a tree can provide a day’s oxygen for up to four people. We might think that the tree just stands still, yet it is reaching out far and wide. We just don’t see it.

Roots are more than what happens on a piece of land. It is how we nourish the things around us and how we learn and teach.

My children are going through a tough time in leaving their physical roots behind. Jonas loves York and can get a bit emotional about not being so close to his home town. Finlay keeps asking about visiting Leeds again before we leave for Portugal. Explaining to them their roots as a state of mind is difficult at their ages. I understand that it is an uncomfortable feeling to be leaving the environment that they call home, especially when it is the only thing that they know in their little lives.

But I’m hoping that their experiences will help them to grow and experience stuff that they wouldn’t normally do and see. I’m hoping that they can equip themselves with a wise and worldly vision for adulthood and they build strong characters.

After all, Dolly Parton says it best…”Storms make trees take deeper roots.”

And whatever your roots are, know that every storm just makes you a little stronger.

Something New

I have just launched my podcast channel which is found in the link below. Just like any great series, perhaps the first few episodes might come across as raw. Even Friends had a great big pillar in the way for the first series in Monica’s apartment!

So once I get over the nerves of talking and recording myself for everyone to hear I think I can nail it and make it a useful tool. Hope you enjoy!

Check out my podcast, NGU Guided Meditation , on Spotify for Podcasters: https://anchor.fm/shay-durant-duckworth

Sim Señor

I don’t really do footballing heroes. I love the sport and I enjoy supporting Liverpool, but I do it all from afar. You won’t find me on the Kop at Anfield every week singing the names of the players. After all, they don’t come to watch me at my place of work either.

Also, despite being a massive football fan, top elite football can bore me a little. VAR (video assistant referee) can slow the game down too much and the injury feigning is a drag. So paying out hundreds of pounds to watch it live doesn’t float my boat.

However, seeing the pictures of Roberto (Bobby) Firmino’s final game at Anfield was quite emotional. He’s as close to a professional footballing hero as I have. And, yes, he’s a super talented footballer, but it’s the way he conducts himself as a person that has always impressed me. For 8 years at Liverpool, he has gone about his work with modesty and humility. No wonder the fans sing ‘Sim Señor’ to him whenever he appears on the pitch.*

I wish him all the best in the future.

An emotional Bobby on his final Anfield game

But I do have an outright winner to be my footballing hero and that’s my eldest son Jonas. Not only is he much better than I was at 9 years old, but he has overcome so much to continue doing what he loves to do which is to play football.

Covid halted his progress in football, but more importantly in his ability to develop his social skills. He would refuse to do weekly zoom meetings with school which were compulsory and he wouldn’t get involved in zoom meetings with his football team, Scarborough Athletic. He began with nervous ticks which he still has to control now and a trial at Leeds Utd ended with him walking off of the pitch because he felt overwhelmed. He became more and more isolated during lockdowns and he still has moments where he can get anxious in certain settings.

But on the football pitch is where he likes to express himself the most. With two feet and a great understanding of the game, he stands out when he plays.

But today he had his own ‘Sim Señor’ moment as he played his final game for his club. Of course, he managed a goal and an assist in the 2-2 game. His next team, if he wishes to pursue the game, will be in Portugal. This will be another massive step for Jonas if he joins another team having to re-establish himself in a different culture and a foreign language. So it’ll be a test for him, for sure.

The Scarborough Athletic coaches, Sam and Andy have been extremely supportive to Jonas at the club.

But it would be foolish to underestimate him. His setbacks have given him a steely resilience. He has had to work extremely hard sometimes just to go to training or a match, depending on his anxieties. Slowly he is overcoming this but a new environment will challenge this resilience.

It is, however, his Never Give Up attitude that makes him my footballing hero but it’s not about his talents, it is for the very same traits that Bobby Firmino has that impress me the most. He isn’t the loudest on the pitch, he is happy for his teammates to get the goals and the accolades, he plays football with a smile and he just keeps his head down and gets on with it.

I hope that he can continue to thrive in Portugal.

* Sim Señor were the original words to the Bobby Firmino song as this is Brazilian Portuguese but has been changed to Si Señor by the football fans.