Shay PT

The Volume Goes To 9

For years (as long as I can remember in fact), I was unable to put the volume of the TV or the car to an odd number. This branched out into oven settings, reading until I reached an even number and other stuff which I had control over. I even set my clients sets of 6,8,10,12 reps. Rarely would I stop a set that I was performing myself at 11, for example.

It’s not through superstition, which is just as well. My eldest was born in 2013 on Friday the 13th. He’s called Jonas. A little shuffle of the words spells Jason! Luckily, Jonas hasn’t asked for a hockey mask yet.

Anyway, back to my odd, odd number thingy. Apparently, this is called imparnumerophobia and it is common.

It has never taken over my life or anything. In fact, it’s something that my wife and I would joke about. She would turn the volume up on a song that she likes in the car and if it went to 9, I would discreetly alter it with the volume on the steering wheel. 10 if I liked it too, 8 if I didn’t.

But, strangely, I’ve been able to control this anxiety recently. My head is in a space that I’ve never known before. Serene. Zen. Of course I am still capable of emotion, feeling fear and sadness. But my journey this year has toughened me up. Every day mine and my family’s future is awaiting further information. So many questions unanswered. When the phone rings this whizz popping in my belly happens. Is it the estate agents? Is it the solicitors? Is it good news or bad?

These butterflies are my adrenal glands. Survival mode kicks in.

But I can point to other periods of my life where I’ve had to develop strength that I didn’t know that I had. Periods where my adrenaline took over.

Starting a new job. Asking my (now) wife to marry me. Opening the doors for the very first time to a new family business. Performing my very first fitness class. Visiting my mum in St Gemma’s. Going to her funeral.

They all required me to say to myself “You’ve got this, Shay, you’re strong.”

And people think I am. Some people might see me as being quite hard, in control, calm. And in truth I try to be the swan. Folk don’t see the feet paddling like f*** below the surface.

A subtle sign, perhaps, would have been the imparnumerophobia. But it’s not something anyone can really detect. It goes unnoticed unless I announce it.

But where’s this little quirk gone? Am I cured? I mean, not that it was an illness, but it did alert me to my anxieties which, in turn, caused more anxiety. Has my skin developed such thickness that I can now laugh in the face of number 7,9,11? Or even 13?!

Maybe not quite so much.

Sure, I can keep the volume on 9 without it really freaking me out, but every day I need to keep saying to myself “You’ve got this Shay.”

So maybe I’m just keeping it all at bay. After all, there won’t be time for cocktails by the pool once I reach Portugal. I’ll need to keep this strength and go again to make the move work.

“Deep breaths Shay, and count to 9.”

I Just Find It Really Difficult To Clear My Mind

After a recent conversation with a client I recommended meditation as an option to relieve her of the anxiety that she currently has.

She replied, as so many people do, that she finds it difficult to clear her mind to be able to meditate.

This is just one of the misconceptions about meditation and I feel that more people might be open to trying it if they understood that it isn’t about clearing the mind.

Our mind has often been described as a chimp that won’t stop jumping around, chattering and sometimes being a little mischievous. It won’t stay still. This is your ‘monkey mind’.

Your monkey mind won’t go away, but you can retrain it.

I meditate using lots of different methods but a trusted way of doing this is by using a guide. Lots of guides are available on YouTube, with Jason Stephenson being my particular favourite. Because the guide gives you direction during meditation, they are helping you to retrain your pesky, fidgety chimp, not get rid of it.

And of course, even with a quiet moment to yourself, soothing music or a meditation guide, the chances of thinking about what’s for the kid’s tea is pretty high! That’s totally normal.

Change the word ‘meditation’ to ‘think’. It might help you in your approach to your ‘thinking’ time.

Try thinking about you in 6 months, a year, 5 years and beyond. Think about your family and friends and your aspirations. Think about the dream holiday, house or job. Think about yours and your loved ones health.

Of course, you might still hear the clatter of the monkey in your head distracting your thoughts. It might even take you to events from your past and moments you prefer to forget. The more you try to escape your monkey, the more you become angry at it. Instead, stand tall, smile at it and, over time, even make peace with your monkey. Befriend it.

Meditation doesn’t have to be an over elaborate ritual with candles. It can be just sitting and lying down with a cuppa. Thinking positive thoughts. You’ll never clear your mind, but you can retrain it.

Mr Bean Volume 4 And The Portuguese Consulate

The empty Mr Bean DVD box has been hanging around the house for years. And when we do find the disc, we can’t find the box to put it in. This has been happening since 2020. I only know that because a lot of things got stored in unusual places during several DIY projects in the first lockdown. Things that were scattered about wherever the kids like to hang out were pretty much scooped up and put into random cupboards and drawers. Just the other day a plastic piece of joke poo jumped out at me as I opened the kid’s wardrobe. At least, they tell me it was plastic poo.

But during a time when I have loads to do in preparing for a move to Portugal, including packing stuff we actually need, booking consulate appointments, liaising with the solicitor to set up our business and work appointments, searching for a Mr Bean DVD was not a priority. It certainly didn’t warrant 2 hours of my time!

I think I’ve figured out the problem with me here. I’m overthinking the process. I can’t see the wood for the trees. And yet I’ve simplified the process slightly by hiring solicitors to guide us. It’s why we decided to hire them. We were told that we could save money by doing the VISA and business set up ourselves, but we need to get it right otherwise money and time could be lost in the long run.

Just like hiring a car mechanic to service your car, a plumber to check out your dodgy boiler or a personal trainer to program your fitness journey, sometimes it is reassuring to know that a professional has your back.

But our solicitor won’t help me find the Mr Bean DVD. These are the finer details that I’m concerning myself with because I feel overwhelmed by the big stuff. That’s my problem. And I realise that this happens to so many people in regards to their health and fitness. I’ve heard everybody’s ‘Mr Bean Volume 4 DVD’ stories. They can’t find their gym trainers. It’s too warm or too cold. They’ll wait for when their mate can go with them. They can’t afford a membership (despite finding money for alcohol and takeaways) or they’re injured.

Most of the time, they’re just looking for a DVD that has no impact at all on what their actual goals are. They’re not wanting to face the real truths of what has to be done. They want it. More than anything! They want to feel fitter, stronger, happier. But some days it is difficult to find a starting point. Planning is useful. Hiring a PT is great. Booking gym classes helps keep a schedule. But that pesky DVD needs to be found, right?!!!

Well, no, it doesn’t. But at the time it does. At the time it feels like the most important part of the process.

I know what I have to do and I do have the reassurance that, if I am not providing the correct information for the likes of the Portuguese Consulate, I have a solicitor guiding me through it all.

But from time to time, I just need to look for the Mr Bean Volume 4 DVD.

Xinjiang Highway

The Xinjiang highway fascinates me. Stretching for 6214 miles and winding up and down mountainous cliff sides, it is said to be China’s longest highway. It is quite treacherous too. The weather conditions, high altitude, wild animals, a lack of water, food and fuel for miles and miles can make this road a difficult journey.

But when I see images of this road, it reminds me of something else. It reminds me of your journey towards your goals. And mine of course.

So this is just a quick message to remind you that your path to success will not be linear.

During my training I can get a run of some great days in the gym. I feel strong. I stay an extra half hour to get out a few more sets. I feel good. But some days it feels like I’m travelling up hill and turning back on myself on a dog leg bend.

I’m currently devoting a lot of my time to learning Portuguese. And again, there are times when I’m cruising to being fluent and bilingual. But then come the moments when I can’t even remember how I would greet anyone in Portuguese. I feel like giving up some days, but I have to remind myself of the reasons for doing it. I HAVE to, so I will do it.

It’s important to know that you will suffer the same in whatever goals you want to achieve. And just because the path seems to wind into a different direction, don’t panic. If you have faith in the journey then follow it.

Prepare yourself in the best way possible. Know the distance, fill the tank with fuel, take plenty of water and food, rest often and bring along a mate going the same way if you want and you’ll reach your destination.

The Problem With Motivation

My gym journey, building a new business, being a good husband and father and moving to another country all need a consistent and considered approach.

Whatever the pitfalls each one delivers (and they do) if I live by the rule of consistency then I will eventually find a conclusion that works for me. It might not always be the best or most perfect outcome. I’m a realist. But it will, at least, enable me to move forward and continue my plans to reach that elusive ‘perfection’.

What helps me keep consistent is two main factors. The first is the question ‘Why?’

Why do I do what I do? Why bother with the gym every day? Why put the effort into my relationship with my wife and children? Why start up a new business? Why move to a different country?

The truth is that I would be immensely unhappy if I didn’t.

Some days I really don’t fancy going to the gym, but I enjoy the endorphins and the way it makes me look.

Some days my kids are driving me mad! But if I shout and lose my temper then I am teaching them that being kind and patient does not work.

And some days I really don’t want to deal with solicitors, VISA applications or business plans. But if I don’t do it then the move to Portugal can’t happen and therefore the new business can’t happen. I’ll be back in a commercial gym faster than you can say ‘500 quid a month rent’.

I don’t want the alternative, so I have to be consistent in how I get things done. Having a few days off is not on the table. And this leads me on to factor number 2.

These actions are non-negotiable. I cannot let the consistency slip. Now, I’m not talking about missing the gym for an emergency, bickering with my wife or watching Coranation Street instead of working on my business plan. I’m talking about serious procrastination that begins to turn itself into a lifestyle.

In a year’s time I don’t want to be overweight and miserable. I don’t want to be snappy with my kids and push my wife away. I don’t want to still be in the UK paying double on my mortgage and losing my freedom of movement just to rub salt in the wounds.

Consistently doing these activities gets me to where I want to be, so they are non-negotiable. I have to do them.

So I must address the one major problem I hear from people when they talk about changing their habits or lifestyle and working towards a goal. They tell me that they’re not motivated enough.

The problem with motivation is that it is a fleeting emotion. When it arrives it is fantastic. You’ll book the gym classes, write out a shopping list consisting of lots of fruit and veg, you’ll start to look at other job opportunities. Ones that will make you happy. You’ll call your friend or family member who you’ve been meaning to make contact with again. That’s what motivation can give you.

But what about when it isn’t there? If you haven’t answered your ‘why?’ and created a set of non-negotiables then you won’t get any closer to your happiness. You have to keep waiting for that glimmer of motivation that comes around now and again.

It is those cold, dark mornings when you get to the gym when you really don’t feel like it that edges you closer to a goal. It’s working through an online open university course on an evening when your friends have gone out for a few drinks that gets you out of your mundane work life rut. Motivation, on its own, won’t do that.

Take a moment to write down five things that you would like to achieve in the next 12 months. Next to each one, write the question ‘why?’ Honestly answer it. Dig deep and give your most honest answer, however hard it is to read it.

Then implement one thing that you will do to work towards each goal. It doesn’t have to be life changing, but whatever it is must become your consistent non-negotiable. You must do it when you say that you will.

From now until your 12 month goal you will sometimes find yourself without motivation, even demoralised. But keep your consistent approach.

Motivation is like a wind up toy. It’ll give you one big burst of energy or inspiration but eventually it stops. Consistency, albeit not a term that is as sexy or flashy, is the key to unlocking your future goals.

Shay is a Personal Trainer, CBT therapist, meditation guide and lifestyle blogger.

Nobody’s Mood Is Getting Me Down Today

Some days can be a drag. Perhaps the ups of a festival with lots of live music with thousands of people can leave the next day a bit of a come down. It’s a bank holiday but there’s lots to do. A business plan keeps popping up in my mind but I keep procrastinating. I’ve watched Darwin Nunez’s two goals from yesterday a hundred times and I’ve decided to write this blog. Important, but not as pressing as the business plan.

Or is it?

I’m writing down my thoughts of exactly how I’m feeling in the now. Kinda like a diary. Something that I have encouraged many of my clients to do. So maybe it is quite pressing. Except this diary is put out to the world for everyone to read. Still, if it resonates with just one person then I’m happy for this to be seen.

I had to go into my son’s bedroom today to intervene in a dispute on Fortnight. He was upset. This grumpiness is usually a sign of tiredness. We didn’t leave the festival until 11 last night and he hasn’t learnt the art of sleeping in on a bank holiday yet.

After giving advice about how to move forward regarding his dispute he still argued his point to me. Feeling like a Premiership referee with a footballer contesting his red card, I said,”Nobody’s mood is getting me down today.” With that I left his room.

I knew that I was tired and edgy myself first thing this morning. It’s nothing that a coffee wouldn’t solve, but telling my son, myself and what felt like the whole universe, “nobody’s mood is getting me down today,” helped me in developing today’s mantra. The aggressive driver, the rude person in the supermarket barging into the queue, any phone caller trying to piss on my parade or my own kid throwing a paddy over a computer game were not going to get me down today.

Eventually, I have now got my kids to come off of their screens and play a board game. Old skool playing. The game is called The Game Of Life. A classic 70’s game about trying to ‘win’ at life.

Perhaps defiantly stating to the world that nobody will get me down is a little win at life for myself. At least for today.

Finlay Tries A Snail

It’s been really difficult in the past to get Finlay to try new foods and will usually stick to what he knows and likes, mostly cheddar cheese and milk!

However, we had a breakthrough moment tonight as he tried a snail! In fact he ended up having two and then spat a third one out because it was a bit grainy.

I don’t think we’ll be adding them to the shopping list again though, but at least he attempted something new.

Identifying Your Needs

My wife is good at making homemade ice-cream. Too good in fact. Last week, after inviting friends over to our house, she made copious amounts of the stuff. The flavours were chocolate, caramel and pecan, malted chocolate (which tasted like a malteaser that had fallen from heaven.)

But it hadn’t come from heaven. The leftovers from our gathering were in our freezer. A freezer which needed to be defrosted and sold on Facebook marketplace.

Hmm. How do we begin to clear out the freezer without any food waste? Shay to the rescue!

I wasn’t expecting to eat all three flavours which spilled out of the bowl tonight. I first looked in the top cupboard for some salted peanuts, but didn’t have any. I then checked the crisp cupboard, but the multipack choices were not exciting me. That’s the problem when you win a freebie on the Lidl scratch card app. You end up with the beef, roast chicken and prawn cocktail flavours instead of cheese and onion.

It was only when my wife mentioned that the freezer needed clearing out did I remember the ice cream.

After a tough day at work and only getting snippets of information regarding our VISA and business set up in Portugal from my wife’s texts, by the time the evening arrived I was ready to emotionally eat.

I love coming home to my wife and kids, but I can’t pretend that the chaos of our home, with packed boxes piling up and the certain uncertainties that moving house/country brings can be a stressy time in the Durant-Duckworth household. Emotions are running high. I sometimes deal with that with the occasional emotional eat.

I am, of course, following the Never Give Up Personal Training handbook. I have always told my clients to give themselves a break if they make certain food choices during emotional times in their lives. It’s about identifying your needs.

The term ’emotional eating’ is often seen as a bad thing. It’s a weak act. It’s a crux that we need to rid ourselves of. Instead, we should go for a jog or slog it out in the gym. Sod that, tonight I wanted ice cream. Ok, I wanted salted peanuts or cheese and onion crisps but the ice-cream was more than a suitable replacement for giving me a big emotional hug.

We are emotional creatures. And with such complex needs as ours, is it even possible to eat without emotion?!

But the one big, big rule that we must remember is that the slice of cake, the bowl of cheesy pasta or indeed the serving of half of the freezer tasting of malteasers is that you can identify that this is a moment of emotional eating. It is a perfectly acceptable way to ease your emotions as long as you recognise it as your choice.

You have lots of choices when you are faced with an emotional time. For me, I turn to exercise, meditation, talking to others (usually my wife), watching or listening to something funny, watching football, having sex or having a glass of red. But I cannot deny that eating can sometimes trump all of the above. It is an option and sometimes I use it.

And once you can recognise that this is as acceptable as any other coping mechanism then you will begin to improve on your physical and mental wellbeing.

Identifying your needs for every given situation will be different. This is because every situation will pose very different challenges to the next. Just know that you have options. You are in control. You get to choose.

Go to the gym. Have a run. Meditate. By all means do all of those positive things. But never feel guilty about an occasional bowl of ice cream to give you an emotional pick up. And enjoy the whole damn thing!

Choosing The Right Personal Trainer

I know lots of people who have spent (in some cases) thousands of pounds before they’ve found the right PT for them. Unfortunately, some people give up after a bad experience and this is a shame because I have seen what I and many other very good trainers can do for someone with a fitness goal.

To an extent you have to find the right personality that you are happy to employ as your PT. Basically, you need to at least like them and get on with them for you to respect what they say and ask of you.

But every good PT will have the same traits. They will listen to you, be attentive, be committed to your needs and they will give you their full attention whenever you need them (not just when they’re on the clock).

And whether it is face to face training or online coaching these traits should come across in your initial discussions with a PT.

Now that I’m moving my business to Portugal and developing it alongside a camping and wellbeing centre I will be ending my online coaching part of it. The reasons for this, and I’m only being honest, is that I don’t think that I can fulfill this criteria anymore. I have one shot for me and my family to get this move right. Currently I don’t think I can be as attentive as the client needs me to be. And seeing as I will be doing a lot of the ground work myself (both metaphorically and literally) once we get to Portugal, I’ll be busy enough.

There is an online coach that I will be recommending though if anyone asks and that is Biological Engineering. Dan Middlewood is the Trainer who deals with every inquiry and treats every one of his clients with the attention they deserve. He boasts of some impressive transformations on his social media too! All backed up with real life people.

https://instagram.com/biological_engineering?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

Dan and I started PTing in a gym together ten years ago and it was our first gig. I watched him develop into a PT that was driven by getting results for his clients, but did it in a way that was friendly and not pushy. It was only a matter of time that he would branch out into online coaching too, such was his high demand.

Just like in every day situations, we soon get an idea of a person’s character once we have a chat with them. Finding the right PT is very similar. You need to know that they have your best interests. They work for you. It’s not about their ego, it’s about your fitness results. So whether you’ve been thinking about contacting a PT or you’ve had a bad experience but are thinking about giving it another go, you’ll be in safe hands with Dan’s Biological Engineering.

Wonka-Vite!

Finlay, my 7 year old son, is currently enjoying Charlie And The Great Glass Elevator by Roald Dahl. I like that he is now at an age where he can read the books of Roald Dahl as it brings back so many memories for myself as I was also an avid reader of his work as a child.

This particular book, in true Dahl fashion, has the chapter about a pill invented by Wonka that makes you look younger. The Wonka-Vite. Finlay read the chapter with me and announced, “You need one of these pills daddy.”

Oh how brutally honest children can be! “Yes, sometimes I feel like I could do with a Wonka-Vite.” I replied.

It is concerning, however, when manufacturers, advertisers and the media are as brutal as a child when they try to flog their pills and potions. I’m sure that they want us to feel old and fat and insecure because insecure people are often willing to spend money on finding a cure for their insecurities. Almost daily I see an advert or link to a site that sells weight loss tablets.

And these little gadgets in our hands are now the conduit which connects these companies straight to us. These ads know who we are, what we look like, what we search for and what we want. They’re happy to oblige.

Another ad that regularly crops up on my social media feed is the miracle cure for baldness. So if any of you don’t know by now, I’m bald. The interesting thing here though is that they declare that they can ‘cure’ me.

Am I sick? Have I got a disease? Should I tell people to stand two metres apart and wash their hands while singing to Oasis if they accidentally touch my folically challenged smooth head? Is it life threatening? Please, tell me, doctors on my FB page, how long have I got left?!

Kids make the same diagnosis as these ads. Having worked with kids for the past year, I know that they are very keen to point out that I’m bald. I play on this, of course. I’ve been losing my hair for long enough to not care one bit about it. As we get caught in the rain playing football I will suggest that we go back inside so that I don’t get my hair wet. The chorus of kids shouting back at me ‘But you’re bald!!!” will forever amuse me.

And when I ask for a second opinion my own kids confirm the diagnosis of this baldness disease. They’re astute. The future of the NHS is safe.

These pills, potions and magical cures can be very costly. But one thing is free. The ability to love oneself is free and available to everyone. It’s sometimes difficult to find, but it can be found.

If losing weight is a goal then loving yourself at the beginning of the process makes the journey so much easier. We forgive those that we love. We wish the people we love the very best. We stand in their corner when they need someone to cheer them on. We give them good, honest advice.

So I don’t really need a Wonka-Vite to feel younger and I don’t need a cure for baldness. I already have a potion that makes me dance like a young John Travolta and sing Rock DJ like a top of his game albeit a little arrogant Robbie Williams circa 2000….

….It’s red wine.

And self love of course!