Shouty dad has gone…

I’m interested in self reflecting. I’ve done it since being a kid and I always found it as a monkey on my back at the time. I didn’t want to think too much about how I reacted to certain situations. I wanted things to wash over me a bit more. Now, rather than be tortured on my behaviours and if I said or did the right thing, I use it as a tool to improve.

I reflect almost daily. Just a quiet time where I can replay back certain situations in my head. And it’s no surprise to those who know me, seeing as I’m there so often, that a minute or two between sets in the gym is a good time for me to think. The gym is my therapy. My meditation. A time for self reflection. Who am I? What am I becoming? To answer this I need to reflect on what I have done.

My thoughts often turn to my kids. I’m very hands on in their lives and they are pretty much my world. But as I rest from my latest set and I smile when I picture my kids faces, my heart begins to sink at how I snapped over their latest bickering with each other or my ranty voice when they didn’t listen to my instructions. I can be a shouty dad. I hate that.

I can’t just recognise my faults, click my fingers and change. Nobody can. But, much like training a muscle, I believe we can train our behaviours to become what we actually want to be. Sure, I’m a caring, loving dad. My kids love me. We tell each other often that we love each other. We hug daily. But I knew that I had to train away shouty dad. Sooner or later, my kids would come to resent me and I would be in a state of anger forever. I had to reflect daily on what I could do better in these tense situations. And I think I am getting better. But I need to keep training my behaviour and keep checking myself. If I become complacent then I lose my consistency. And consistency, again, just like training the body, is key.

Shouty dad has gone. I’m not saying that shouty dad won’t make a visit the next time my youngest draws on the curtains again. He might make an appearance. But I firmly believe calm dad will tap him on the shoulder and tell him to sling his hook. Calm dad has got this one under control thanks very much!